XX - Adult Puns!

According to "Nature Biotechnology", scientists have implanted human
DNA into female goats.
That certainly isn't new.
Farmers have been doing that for years.

Raggedy Ann got thrown out of the toy box because she kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home because she is not feeling well. '
What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice. 'What the
hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.

This little old lady calls 911.
When the operator answers she yells,
"Help! Send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat
on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with
himself and he's weird! I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send
the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Hillary wanted to be the perfect Mom.
She asked Chelsea,
"Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea said,
"Not according to Dad."

A recent study concludes that having sex decreases your chances of
getting a cold.
The more sex you have, the less frequent you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys hear of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I got something for that!"

The mortician calls Mrs. Jones, and says,
"Excuse me Mrs. Jones, but I can't seem to close the lid to your
husband's coffin because he has a huge erection."
To which she replies,
"Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only
hole in town it hasn't been in."

Two fellows were sitting in a bar and the one was complaining about
his current live-in girlfriend.
"I am telling you Sam, I have about had it with her. She keeps
bringing her work home night after night. I am seriously considering
just moving out and ending the relationship." "Well," replied his
buddy, "I can see how that could indeed be very annoying. But having a
girl who is interested in her career is hardly a reason to break up."
"It is if your girlfriend's a hooker." the first man maintained.

My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard.
He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his
house and knocked up my aunt.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with
a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."