Puns of the Day...

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity.
On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point
about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can
recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying,
"What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Our computer centre has both PCs and Macs, and the most frequent
stupid error is people who create a file on a Mac, and try to edit it
later on a PC.
When I tell them that they have to use a Mac to edit their Mac files,
they look at me and say,
"But all the Macs are being used."

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what people need to pay their restaurant tab.

A man was driving through the Arizona countryside when he saw a
middle-aged smiling squaw standing by a Native American goods shop by
the roadside.
She was surrounded by sixteen happy laughing children, ranging in age
from toddler to teenager.
The man stopped to visit the shop and see what was for sale.
While looking around, he asked the woman,
"Are these all your children?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, smiling, while simultaneously trying to sell
him blankets and other relics on display in her shop.
"How do you handle them all?" he asked. "With such a huge family,
don't you have lots of fights and arguments?"
"Oh, no," the woman declared with a chuckle, "We're just one great big
Hopi family!"

When one of my sons was three years old, he ate some of the greens
from a bouquet I gave my wife and developed quite a diarrhoea.
I told her,
"With fronds like that, who needs enemas.""
She wasn't happy about either the results or my comment.

Cross a rabbit with an amoeba gives you an Amoebit.
It can multiply and divide at the same time.

At a mass where a group of young ladies were to take their final vows
to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two men in rabbinical
garb enter the church.
They found seats at the back of the sanctuary on the right side of the
centre aisle.
The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire
before the mass began.
But when it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him.
He announced,
"I am delighted to see two rabbis in our midst at this very special
mass where these young ladies are to become the 'brides of Christ'.
But I'm curious: why did you choose to be present at this occasion?"
The elder rabbi slowly rose to his feet and announced,
"Family of the Groom."

A bridge player complained to her partner that her cards were sticking together.
Her partner suggested that perhaps her body was generating a lot of
static electricity. "That's probably true," the first player said,
"because I charge all my clothes."

Synonym:
A word you use if you can't spell the other one.

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a
truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread
some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then, they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said,
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

If bridge were played in Biblical times, the following conversation
might well have occurred:
"I want to Noah if you are Abel to play this Eve, Eden though you are tired."
The reply was Adamant:
"Yes, I Cain. I will Goliath down. A short nap should be Enoch."

If you're traveling in Scandinavia and you come to the last Lapp,
You must be near the Finnish line.

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now, he's
dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that
they are somebody or something unusual."
Sophie leans forward, as she softly whispers this confidence,
"But, you see, doctor, it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with
his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of
black sediment in the bottom of the cup.
So, I called the grounds keeper.