Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: August 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Brilliant Quotes.. Must Read..

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it
again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign .

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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History of English Phrases- interesting

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be. Here some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they
were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone
in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath
water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and
fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would
get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added
more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a "thresh hold".

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot
to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:
"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine
days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the custom of "holding a wake".

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell or was
considered a dead ringer..."

Monopoly - I did not know this!

(You'll never look at the game the same way again!)

Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British Airmen found
themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown
was casting about for ways and means to facilitate their escape...

Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful
and accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also
showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go
for food and shelter.

Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when
you open and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet,
they turn into mush.

Someone in MI-5 (similar to America 's OSS ) got the idea of printing
escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny
wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise
whatsoever.

At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that
had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John
Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only
too happy to do its bit for the war effort.

By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. Licensee for the
popular American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and
pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE
packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of
war.

Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible
old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of
sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to
each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were regional
system). When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny
dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.

As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also
managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and
French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!

British and American air crews were advised, before taking off on
their first mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by
means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary
printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square.

Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an
estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly
sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since
the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse
in still another, future war.

The story wasn't declassified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen
from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honoured
in a public ceremony.

It's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail' Free' card!

I realize most of you are (probably) too young to have any personal
connection to WWII (Sept '39 to Aug. '45), but this is still
interesting.

Irish

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets
him & says 'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can
I have one?

Paddy said 'if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
have both of them!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

FATHER (this one IS Priceless!)

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."

Do not wet the lotto ticket........Adult Joke...........

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I
bought It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings....

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath
while She gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that
there is Barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What a great idea

Why didn't anyone think of this???

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that

eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body

scanners at the airports.

They have a booth that you can step into that will not

X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would

be none of this junk about racial profiling.

This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and

Expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed !

This is so simple...that it's brilliant. I can see it now.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on

Flight number_____"

Some things you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man
comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my
wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

Little Johnny on new constructions...

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I'd like you to give me an example of a
development that is currently being built near your home and what are
the advantages of this new development."
At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls
remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your
parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely
that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I
am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says
anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anna"

Anna: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't
have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anna! Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is
a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks:

"Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel"

As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, Little Johnny says,
"Hold it, you little whores, it hasn't opened yet!"

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth .

One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville, and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana.

They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas .

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.

My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview . She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look
forward to bringing her into the family.

I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell
her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Managers...

A team of Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a
small flagpole.

So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the
whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks
over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it
from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and
walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs."
See this idiot. We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral: "No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you".

Friday, August 20, 2010

My Resume

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but

that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice

to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...
couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found

I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't

have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered

I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I wasn't
fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a
job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because

it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Spending Wisley!

Sometime in the future, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic
Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Don't interrupt.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending the stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will
go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy a car, it could go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Monday, August 16, 2010

You've Been Married too Long

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You ' ve been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, ' What other
problem can there be greater than this one? '

**********

A wife asked her husband: ' What do you like most in me my pretty face
or my sexy body? '
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of humor. '

**********

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway
through, she leaned over and whispered To her husband, ' I just let
out a long silent fart. What Do you think I should do? '
He replied, ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid. '

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses....She yells to the other sisters, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know.
I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going
up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then
yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door."
_____________________________________

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell
phone and reported that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical
as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the
stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she
cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard...." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake..."

ROMANCE

An older couple was lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were
courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for
a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you
used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave
her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you
used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and
got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth," he replied

_____________________________________

Please!!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Book Report

Students at a local WA state school were assigned to read 2 books,
'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton :... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :...... Clinton doesn't remember Monica.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :...... Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Saturday, August 14, 2010

week enders

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..

Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee...

...... Leave them to us

2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:

" If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my galfriend has fallen off"

3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..

Love is always present..

Its just that,

One loves too much,

and

The other loves too many,

4 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!

BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!

5 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Philosophy of life

At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,

Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed..!

6 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is a Fear?

Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach

When pages of your book still smell new

and

Just few hours left for your exams..!

7 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise
man cannot answer"

No Wonder why so many of us are speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boy: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?

Shopkeeper: Oh sure..! How about this card, it says "To the only Girl
I ever loved.!"

Boy: Thats good, Give me 12 of them..!

9 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Long back,

A person who sacrificed his sleep,

forgot his family,

forgot his food,

fogot laughter were called

"Saints"

But now they are called..

"IT professionals"

Work!

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving
early. — Charles Lamb

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,

some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all. — Sam Ewing

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? — Edgar Bergen

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time. — Demetri Martin

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're
finished. — Leslie Nielsen

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss

and work twelve hours a day. — Robert Frost

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way
down. — Jimmy Durante

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like

asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. — Christopher Hampton

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's
work. — Steve Martin

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job

still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious
vocational error. — Dennis Miller

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. — Oscar Wilde

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest
willing to let them. — Robert Frost

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a
rat. — Lily Tomlin

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people
worry than work. — Robert Frost

The first sign of a nervous breakdown is

when you start thinking your work is terribly important. — Milo Bloom

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. — Dennis Miller

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in
the morning,

and doesn't stop until you get to the office. — Robert Frost

Figure this out

See if you can figure out what these
words have in common.

   1. Banana
   2. Dresser
   3. Grammar
   4. Potato
   5. Revive
   6. Uneven
   7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it
another try.... Look at each word carefully. You'll kick
yourself when you discover the answer below,.

Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first
letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the
word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it
out?

Friday, August 13, 2010

New version of Geography Of A Woman

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half
wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war,
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious
past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst
for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, entirely ruled by a couple of nuts.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Just accept that, some days, you're the pigeon: and, some days, you're
the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle
of it.
*Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "recalled" by
their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't
have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird sleep
late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp; some are pretty; and
some are dull. Some have weird names; and all are different colors; but they
all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Puns of the Day...

Neanderthals, science now thinks
Had no sausage to eat with their drinks
Without wieners, salami,
Hot dogs or pastrami
Quite frankly, weren't they missing links

When the hippie got a G.I. Haircut,
He was dis-tressed.

It was parent's day at the local university and the Dean was showing a
group of parents the great things about the campus.
While walking by the Science building a student walked out dressed
entirely in black, wearing a mask and brandishing a sword.
When one of the parents inquired if such a student could be considered
a distraction to the others, the Dean replied
"Well yes. But you see we have a Zorro Tolerance policy at this school."

I had a table server who got all our orders mixed up.
He was a real dumbwaiter.

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
When it was over, she asked her mother,
"Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked,
"What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."

The woman started dating rakes and fell on hard tines.

A blonde woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour,
when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her.
She shot up to 90 miles.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead.
She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her.
Without batting an eye, she said coyly,
"I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

The buxom soprano fainted right in the middle of her aria.
It took four men to carry her from the stage, two abreast.

I recently noticed that one young pigeon in our park had begun
decorating himself with shiny found objects such as paper clips or
discarded aluminum pull tabs.
As soon as they saw this, several other young pigeons began to emulate
him and collected their own bits of litter to serve as "jewelry."
Naturally, this resulted a good deal of squab bling.

Knowledge is power ...
But power corrupts ...
And corruption is a crime ...
And crime doesn't pay ...
So, if you keep on studying you'll go broke!

Tagging Birds according to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the
inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the
Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological
Survey, abbreviated: WASH. BIOL. SURV.
Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds.
I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell
you it was horrible."

Spinster:
Female disk jockey.

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and
met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked,
"What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was
paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch
out the bad ones!

Sign at a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet,
So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog
they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he
did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over.
They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major
skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do
any of the usual dog tricks, as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said,
"Let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Advice from a retired husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary
for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as
soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush
so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points...

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me, too...

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol
Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Callaway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his butt, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron,
somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Amazing Anagrams!

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Aviation Rules

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull
the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick
back...then they get bigger again.

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep
the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break
out into a sweat.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one
from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a
'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another
time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round
and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to
become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just
so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing:
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a
co-pilot who once was a captain.

* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's
flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire
hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table
where she was sitting and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied:
"If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the
woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?

The S&M fetishist stood up in the bar and announced that she could
whip any man in the house.

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mother, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell,
"It's okay, Jessica, we can play that game again!"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing"

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road
and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his
kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse.
Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home.
Later that night, she wrote in her diary,
"A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road.
As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt.
Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home.
Later that night, she wrote in her diary,
"I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time, however, Mary didn't get home until very late.
That night, she wrote in her diary,
"There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

A Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
"Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."

*My friend is out there job hunting.
He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application
and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M'.
He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to 'F', but he spends most of the time alone 'M'-ing.

Dr. Pepper came in a bottle when his wife died.

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the
size of the other's manhood,
So, he asked,
"How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded
"Well I rub it down every night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole.
Once again, there was a comparison made with no results.
The first boy said,
"I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed
"Well, no wonder, that's shortening."

Sorority girls don't talk during sex because their mothers taught them
never to talk to strangers.

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in
Hertfordshire, lives a women called Linda Lykes.
She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn.
For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives
her post: "Linda Lykes The Cockwell Inn Erbum Tillet Herts."

A guy walks up to a hooker and asks,
"How much do you charge to rub the genitals?"
She says,
"The same as the Jews."

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."
"That's not true. The last time, you woke me up twice!"

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service.
The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which
her talent was listed.
Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and
told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.
When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said,
"I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the
ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so
charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you.
You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are,
falling for the oldest trick in the book."

Nike is making a new shoe for lesbians;
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.

Law Student

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty
old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a
professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me
the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give
me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and
neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the
answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark
into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all
afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a
group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really
tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but
not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students
immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old
and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an
"A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

JEWISH ONE LINER JOKES

ONE LINERS BY SOME JEWISH COMEDIANS

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy.. Here are a
few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be
reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.
" Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American- Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't
eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part
in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the vagrant who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

XX - Adult Puns!

According to "Nature Biotechnology", scientists have implanted human
DNA into female goats.
That certainly isn't new.
Farmers have been doing that for years.

Raggedy Ann got thrown out of the toy box because she kept sitting on
Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home because she is not feeling well. '
What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice. 'What the
hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.

This little old lady calls 911.
When the operator answers she yells,
"Help! Send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat
on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with
himself and he's weird! I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send
the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Hillary wanted to be the perfect Mom.
She asked Chelsea,
"Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea said,
"Not according to Dad."

A recent study concludes that having sex decreases your chances of
getting a cold.
The more sex you have, the less frequent you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys hear of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I got something for that!"

The mortician calls Mrs. Jones, and says,
"Excuse me Mrs. Jones, but I can't seem to close the lid to your
husband's coffin because he has a huge erection."
To which she replies,
"Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only
hole in town it hasn't been in."

Two fellows were sitting in a bar and the one was complaining about
his current live-in girlfriend.
"I am telling you Sam, I have about had it with her. She keeps
bringing her work home night after night. I am seriously considering
just moving out and ending the relationship." "Well," replied his
buddy, "I can see how that could indeed be very annoying. But having a
girl who is interested in her career is hardly a reason to break up."
"It is if your girlfriend's a hooker." the first man maintained.

My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard.
He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his
house and knocked up my aunt.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with
a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Sex at 74!

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can
have sex at 74!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 68.....
so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

Monday, August 09, 2010

Puns of the Day...

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity.
On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point
about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can
recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying,
"What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Our computer centre has both PCs and Macs, and the most frequent
stupid error is people who create a file on a Mac, and try to edit it
later on a PC.
When I tell them that they have to use a Mac to edit their Mac files,
they look at me and say,
"But all the Macs are being used."

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what people need to pay their restaurant tab.

A man was driving through the Arizona countryside when he saw a
middle-aged smiling squaw standing by a Native American goods shop by
the roadside.
She was surrounded by sixteen happy laughing children, ranging in age
from toddler to teenager.
The man stopped to visit the shop and see what was for sale.
While looking around, he asked the woman,
"Are these all your children?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, smiling, while simultaneously trying to sell
him blankets and other relics on display in her shop.
"How do you handle them all?" he asked. "With such a huge family,
don't you have lots of fights and arguments?"
"Oh, no," the woman declared with a chuckle, "We're just one great big
Hopi family!"

When one of my sons was three years old, he ate some of the greens
from a bouquet I gave my wife and developed quite a diarrhoea.
I told her,
"With fronds like that, who needs enemas.""
She wasn't happy about either the results or my comment.

Cross a rabbit with an amoeba gives you an Amoebit.
It can multiply and divide at the same time.

At a mass where a group of young ladies were to take their final vows
to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two men in rabbinical
garb enter the church.
They found seats at the back of the sanctuary on the right side of the
centre aisle.
The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire
before the mass began.
But when it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him.
He announced,
"I am delighted to see two rabbis in our midst at this very special
mass where these young ladies are to become the 'brides of Christ'.
But I'm curious: why did you choose to be present at this occasion?"
The elder rabbi slowly rose to his feet and announced,
"Family of the Groom."

A bridge player complained to her partner that her cards were sticking together.
Her partner suggested that perhaps her body was generating a lot of
static electricity. "That's probably true," the first player said,
"because I charge all my clothes."

Synonym:
A word you use if you can't spell the other one.

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a
truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread
some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then, they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said,
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

If bridge were played in Biblical times, the following conversation
might well have occurred:
"I want to Noah if you are Abel to play this Eve, Eden though you are tired."
The reply was Adamant:
"Yes, I Cain. I will Goliath down. A short nap should be Enoch."

If you're traveling in Scandinavia and you come to the last Lapp,
You must be near the Finnish line.

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now, he's
dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that
they are somebody or something unusual."
Sophie leans forward, as she softly whispers this confidence,
"But, you see, doctor, it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with
his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of
black sediment in the bottom of the cup.
So, I called the grounds keeper.

POEMS FOUND IN TOILETS.

some of this is really crude but funny.

do not read if you are a prude.

THE 'FUTURE' IS IN YOUR HAND,

HOLD IT GENTLY'

Excellent poems by not so famous poets...

Found on toilet doors and walls...

A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapour,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit
Broken hearted.
Tried to shit
But, only farted.

Someone who had a different experience wrote:

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...

Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But, I come
Here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls....

Toilet's walls also double as job advertisement space... (written high
upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,

The Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

XX - Adult Puns!

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a small woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The tall tree says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker
in.

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend Sally, puts her hand on
her shoulder, and says, "There's something I've been meaning to tell
you about myself. I'll be frank, I'm a lesbian." "That's OK," says
Sally. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."

A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the
bartender came over, he said,
"I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his three shots.
One, two, three -- they disappeared!
"Fill 'ER up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two,
three -- they were gone!
Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this.
When the man asked for a third fillup, he said,
"Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"
The customer said,
"Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I
go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said,
"A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I
saw 3 gorgeous women!"
Joe said,
"That's not unusual. A lotta lovely women on the I nternet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes.
He said,
"Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see
are your daughter, your wife, and your mother?"

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate
little bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to a man?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional!"

It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and, in his
innocence, he sought lodging in the city's red-light district.
His money, however, was as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly
offered him a room for the night.
When a friend questioned him about his accommodations over lunch the
following day, the young Briton replied,
"Well, the room was very pretentious, you know, but gad, what maid service!"

"Darling," she sighed, "love me like you've never loved me before!"
"Not in this state," he replied. "I could get ten years."

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.

Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got
even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment
and located unused condoms in a drawer.
She carefully opened the condoms and put peppered chili powder in
them, resealed them and waited for the results.
Later, after a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend,
Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on fire.
Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said,
"He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it."

Three sailors who were walking along the beach.
A wave came along and sucked them under the boardwalk.

Friday, August 06, 2010

SEX

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,
and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?".

"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let
my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"

And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but
this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual,"
and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex,
pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc....

The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple'
and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...

FATHER COMMITTED SUICIDE !!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 02, 2010

Happy b'day

Hi All

Thanks for the birthday greetings. Another year older.
Guess what my wife bought me for my birthday.
A S U V. Wow !!! Isn't she wonderful.
Socks, Underwear, & Viagra

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Monday, August 16, 2010

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Friday, August 13, 2010

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Monday, August 09, 2010

Friday, August 06, 2010

Monday, August 02, 2010

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

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