X- Adult Puns.

  Q. What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38,
48, 58, 68, and 78?
  At   8: You take her to bed and tell her a story.
  At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.
  At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
  At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
  At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
  At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.
  At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
  At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

A man was talking to a woman in a bar.
"I have a 10 inch cock," he boasted.
"Well," she answered, "I find that hard to swallow."

The greatest lovers from England, America, and France were in a
contest to determine who was the world's greatest lover.
First question was to the Englishman:
"If you are on a first date with a woman and you want to kiss her,
where do you kiss her?" Englishman:
"On her lips."
Judge:
"That's right."
Second question was to the American:
"If you are on a second date with a woman and you want to kiss her,
where do you kiss her?"
American:
"On her breasts."
Judge:
"That's correct."
Third question was to the Frenchman:
"If you are on the third date with a woman and you want to kiss her,
where do you kiss her?"
Frenchman:
"Don't ask me, I missed the first two questions."

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.
I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

A woman wakes her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some
grapefruit juice and coffee?
He declines.
"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines.
The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Comes dinnertime and she asksif he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!

My ex came into the bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in his hand.
I asked him why he would bring pepper to our bedroom?
He told me that we needed to spice up our love life!

It's the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date's house to take
her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.
"Have a seat," the old man says. "Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute."
The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together.
"You know," the dad says, "my daughter really loves to screw. She just
loves to work up a sweat."
He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer.
"Yup, yup," the dad continues. "She loves that screwing. Just can't
get enough of it. " When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby
hurries her out the door to his car.
Five minutes later, she comes running back inside.
"Damn it, Daddy!" she screams. "The twist! It's called the twist! "

An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have
forgotten to zip up.'
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."

The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asks,
"Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy sighs.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks,
"With whom?"
"With you," he admits with a blush.
"But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is? It's
true that I would like a
husband of my own one day, but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use a condom."