X- Adult Puns.

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant.
She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, she just said, 'I can't believe I have a person inside me!'
I said, 'So do I. Could I call you back in an hour or so?'"

Archeologist finding a discarded tampon,
"What period do you think this came from?"

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she
was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said
"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied
"Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, except for
her heart condition. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied
"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to
do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and
hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

I know a guy who has a map of Canada tattooed on his ass.
Every time he sits down Quebec separates.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says:
"My wife sure is stupid!..... She bought an air conditioner. "
 2nd Hillbilly says:
"Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says:
"We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says:
"That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new
fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says:
"Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says:
"'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says:
"That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put
together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say:
"Well, what's so dumb about that? "
3rd Hillbilly says:
"She ain't got no pecker."

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Swine flu germs can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years his wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
leisure device.
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one!
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying
to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
Her husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly,
"I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."

Without nipples,
Breasts would be pointless!

"My ex was probably the dumbest man of all time."
"Why do you say that?"
"He came into the bedroom one night holding a jalepeno pepper in his hand.
I said,
'Why in hell did you bring that pepper to the bedroom?'"
"Well, what did he say?" "He said, 'You told me that we needed to
spice up our love life!'"
"And then he seduced me. And it wasn't the first time, either!"

Mitzie was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into.
Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the
machine by using the power button.
She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to tech support.
The tech told her to flip it off.
Mitzi said,
"OK, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what do I do?"