X - ADULT PUNS

If the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a
Turkey, we all might be having a piece of ass for thanksgiving.

Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown
and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and
over again throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said,
"You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my
attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at
dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in
my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

Define "Outpatient":
Someone who takes his time admitting he's gay.

The voluptuous redhead was walking down a dimly lit street when a man
jumped out of the bushes.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
"I  don't have any," she managed to reply.
"Give me your money or I'll search you!" he threatened.
She repeated that she didn't have any, then gasped as he made a
tentative search.
"You'd better give me your money now," he said menacingly, "or I'm
going to rally search you!"
"But I don't have any!" she protested, almost in tears.
So he really searched her.
"I guess you were on the level," he finally muttered angrily. "You
don't have any money on you."
"For heaven's sake," she wailed, "don't stop now. I'll write you a check."
Sex like a game of bridge.
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion, she answered...
'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhoea.

There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said,
"It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."
So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing
because he had a case early in the morning.
She said,
"Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said,
"Why, yes I am!"
So, they went to his place.
When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already
screwing someone!"

After taking Viagra for a couple years now, I feel like the wife is
starting to take my hard-ons for granite.
While on a date in a dark movie theatre, Mary Jane's date slipped his
hand down her bra.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed.
She knew she kept her money hidden in her shoe.

To make a bull sweat,
Give him a tight Jersey.

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of
expensive imported panties.
"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to
find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping
on a dead beaver."

Some people are music lovers.
Other can love without it.

Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and
approached an executive.
"Sir," said one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and
rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?"
"Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly."