Puns of the Day...

If you've spent retirement days
Relaxing, you must mend your ways
Old age is seductive
But should be productive
Don't yield to the thrill of the chaise
        (Gary Hallock)

The dyslexic agnostic wondered if there were a Dog.

Fred and Martha had applied for jobs at a large company and had to
take an intelligence test.
Though both of them found the test a breeze, they admitted to being
momentarily stumped by the final question:
"Name a 14-letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Martha.
"I thought it was tough at first.... Then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Fred said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Is it true that several of the justices on the Supreme Court refer to
their homes as 'legal pads'?

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling
$100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,
"I have just one question for you. Where we re you going to get the
rest of the money?"

I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I
immediately call back, it rings several times and goes into voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer?
Drop the phone and run away?

Once upon a time there was a guy walking along on all fours.
He runs into a friend who asks,
"Mate, what are you doing crawling around on your knees?"
The guy on his knees looks up at him and says,
"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".
The guy looks at him and says,
"Ahhh yeah righto," and leaves.
The next day the same thing happens.
The guy on his knees says,
"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".
His friend tells him,
"Mate, I think you've lost your mind," and again leaves.
On the third day the guy is on all fours again, but this time he's got
a girl on his back.
His friend says to him,
"I thought you'd lost your mind before, but this  really takes the
cake. What the heck are you doing now?"
The guy says to him,
"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".
The other guy asks,
"Yes, I know, but what's that on your back?"
The guy looks up at him and says,
"Oh, that's Michelle!".

Life is a waste of time,
Time is a waste of life,
So, if you get wasted all of the time,
You'll have the time of your life.

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the
application form.
It had -- in addition to the traditional personal information, about
twelve questions he had to answer.
One of the questions read:
"Do you favour the overthrow of the United States government by force,
subversion or violence?"
Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, after some pondering, he checked
"Violence."

Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

A grocer, while delivering orders in his station wagon, ran down and
injured an old lady. The lady sued and was awarded an amount large
enough to drive the man out of business.
After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try again.
But a few months after opening his doors he struck an old gentleman
with his delivery truck.
The gentleman sued and collected big damages, enough to ruin the merchant.
On a peaceful Sunday the grocer was sitting in his living room when
his little boy entered and called out,
"Father, Father, Mother's been run over by a great big bus."
The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice trembling with
emotion he cried,
"Thank the Lord, my luck's changed at last."

When two single people who have been given power of attorney over
several prominent citizens-but cannot currently remember their
gambling losses for the 2001 fiscal year-meet, they have no choice but
to proxy mate.

A railroad porter decided to get married in a large room on the second
floor of the the terminal.
So many friends and kin folk showed up, that their combined weight
caused the building to collapse injuring the bride groom and many of
the guests.
The moral of the story:
Never marry above your station.