X - Adult Puns.

Just think, if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of
a turkey, we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!

Sue lay sprawled in sweet exhaustion on the bed, wearing a red ribbon
in her bright blonde hair.
Beside her, wearing not even a ribbon, Mark slowly lit two cigarettes
and passed one to her.
For a long moment smoke and silence hung in the air.
Then:
"My mother always told me to be good," Sue said with a little smile. "Was I?"

Moby Dick:
A venereal disease.

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients
of their stutters and earn her PHD.
She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow
job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they
were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said,
"B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said,
"Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said,
"Miami."
The female instructor fell to her knees and began performing oral sex
on the man.
After finishing, she looked up and said,
"What do you now have to say?"
He replied,
"B-b-b-b-b-b-Beach!"

Ninety percent of men who try Camels prefer women. (Richard Lederer).

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come."

Remember to use ALL fingers when waving at a police officer.

Truman Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a Key West bar.
At a nearby table sat an inebriated couple.
When the woman recognized Capote, she approached him and asked for an
autograph. The woman's husband, in a display of drunken jealousy,
staggered over to Capote's table, unzipped his trousers, and in
Capote's own words,
"hauled out his equipment."
As the man did this, he bellowed,
"Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?"
A hush fell over the room, allowing everybody in the bar to hear
Capote's soft, high pitched voice reply,
"I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Colonel Sanders was a typical male.
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going
to lose my fuckin' arse." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde
sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this
month, I'm going to lose my fuckin' car."

Bonus Puns.

Boy : Can I touch your software?
Girl : First, show me your hardware..
Boy : Should I install it in your system?
Girl : Cover it with anti-virus and then install..

A very sexy and attractive female employer meets her boss and says:
" Sir, will you please remove something from my breast?"
Boss: "Vow!! what's that?"
She : "Your eyes sir "

SEX :
It is science with wife..
It is an art with a girlfriend..
It is commerce with a prostitute..
And It is just a social service with Auntie's..

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My 1 day employment

 So  after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter,  a good  find for
many retirees,
 I lasted less than a  day......
 About two hours into my first day on the job a  very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting
 woman walked into the store with her two kids,   yelling obscenities
at them all the
 way through the  entrance.
 As  I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning  and
welcome to Walmart.

 Nice children you have there. Are  they twins?'  The ugly woman
stopped yelling long
 enough to say,  'Hell no, they ain't  twins.   The oldest one's 9,
and the other one's 7.
 Why the  hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just  stupid?'

 So I replied,  'I'm neither blind nor  stupid, Ma'am, I just
couldn't believe someone
 slept  with you twice.

 Have  a good day and thank you for shopping at  Walmart.'
 My  supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of  work.

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X - Adult Puns.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party,
you're lucky you don't bark!"

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks,
"How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies,
"Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back!"

"I'm having a ball!", said the Queen.
"And If I had two I'd be King!"
And the King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had two."

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table
where she was sat and said:
"What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied:
"If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the
woman's ear, "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate
little bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to men?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said, "A professional!"

A doctor had just delivered twin boys.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune.
The twin boys were each enclosed in a blue blanket and cap.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe
they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said,
"You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he said proudly,
"You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"

Man to woman:
"Let's get something straight between us."

The company hires a new man.
He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up,
he calls his boss.
"I'm sick," he says.
Boss excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss.
"I'm sick," he says.
Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second
Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the
week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again.
"I'm sick."
Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into
his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard
worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in
sick every Monday."
Man says,
"Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her
every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we
end up making love all day long."
"Your sister?" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
Man says,
"I told you I was sick."

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism, bestiality
and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead
horse?"

Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was so erudite, and clever, and sophisticated.
"He speaks ten languages,
"Drives a Lamborghini,
"Took me to a Parisian restaurant and
"Ordered the meal and wine in French,
"Then, took me to his penthouse apartment to look over his Russian
book collection by the fireplace."
"Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get with you?"
"Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning linguist!"

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First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

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"Bill Gates in Hell"

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him,

"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.

"This will be your home for all eternity.

"You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.

"Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a

Choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are
chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says,

"I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?

Satan: That's what everyone thinks!

Lucifer: What about the PC?

Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!

Lucifer: Which three?

Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

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X - Adult Puns

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman
passes them. She's 5'10", 120#'s 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and
no tan lines!
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a
breathless whisper says,
"It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!

Jewish men are circumcised because Jewish women won't touch anything
unless it is 20% off.

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.
The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it.
But, please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother
will not suspect."
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung, the son,......
Shooting Bird - $300
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird
is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he
wrote to his son.
"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar.
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how
personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

"Good morning! How may I help you say it with flowers?" the florist
cheerfully asked as he answered his phone.
"Well, since you put it that way," the male caller answered, "I want
you to send my secretary a cactus."
"What on earth does a cactus 'say' to your secretary?" the florist queried.
"It says I want her to feel a prick."

Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan,
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,
"From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up
the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."

Define "Download":
To flush the john

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not." "
Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

She was only a Meter-Reader's daughter but she liked a copper in her slot.

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To be six again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have
for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms,and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide,
The Wall of Fear,
The Screaming Roller Coaster,
Everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to:
A movie,
Popcorn,
A soda pop, and
Her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
He is gonna get it wrong.

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Dear Abby - a golden oldie

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  Dear
Abby,  What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,  I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not
even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,  I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,  I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,  Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,  I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now
how do I get out?

Dear Abby,  My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,  I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,  My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,  You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do Ido?

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in
her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go
into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

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Virginity Test

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he
can tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a
can of blue paint and a shovel.'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball
red and the other ball blue, and if she says,
'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with
the shovel.'

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A LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT

 Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects
the eyeball to the anus?
 It's called the Anal Optic Nerve .
It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if
it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

Be grateful that there are people like me to further your education

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X - Adult Puns.

The are risque to say the least..do not read if you are a prude.

Three guys met at the local bar.
They were discussing the events of the day.
After a few hours, one guy ordered buffalo wings.
He offered them to the other two.
First guy accepted.
The second guy said he didn't eat anything that has a face.
The first guy said, that must really piss off your wife.

The woman who had sex with a horse is in stable condition.

A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.
After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.
Then she left to pick up his favourite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in
hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high
heels.
"What the hell is going on!" she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,
"What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I
wanted to eat, drink and........ Be Mary."

Nobody is a virgin anymore,
Life has fucked us all.

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against
a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive
and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he
continued,"who' s not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really
knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second
thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was
finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of
acquittal, when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to
him,
"You know, a good sheep will do that.

Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms.
The other 44% carry babies.

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Remember to use ALL fingers when waving at a police officer.

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

A passionate kiss is like a spider's web.
It soon leads to the undoing of a fly.

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom jumps into bed.
His wife whines,
"I have a headache."
He replies,
"Perfect! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take it orally
or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Ninety percent of men who try Camels prefer women.
The supervisor was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his
secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?" he asked her. The secretary replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.

The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said,
"I'd like you to meet my little friend."
She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said,
"Call me when it grows up."

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X - Adult Puns.

Some are really risque..do not proceed if you are a prude.

  Said a woman with open delight,
  "My pubic hair's perfectly white.
   I admit there's a glare,
   But the fellows don't care
  They locate it more quickly at night,"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant
and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are
furiously masturbating.
She says,
"What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says,
"Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says,
"So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help
that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies,
"Because menu say, 'First Come, First Served!'"

A necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex is that they just lay there.

The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be
friends, the girl told her maiden aunt.
"I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a friend?"
The wise old lady smiled and said,
"The same as with your lover, Dearie, only not quite so often."

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out.
One day, he meets Geppetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters,"
Pinocchio says. Geppetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever
he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his penis.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Geppetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street.
He stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, to which Pinocchio replies,
"Hey, who needs girls?"

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says,
"I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room 12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,
"I want to get screwed."
 A sexy voice comes back with,
"Slide $20 under the door."
The man slides the $20 under the door and waits.
Nothing Happens.
He knocks on the door again,
"I want to get screwed!" he says.
The sexy voice behind the door says,
"Again?"

A deaf mute woman will masturbate with one hand so she can moan with the other.

The drinker announced to the bartender,
"It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big
bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up
to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after
that I was told if they ever wanted my fuckin' advice, they'd let me
know."

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded,
"I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied,
"And you must be what's passing through."

If a ram is a ram and an ass is an ass,
How come a ram in the ass is a goose?

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says,
"Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on
the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says,
"Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says,
"Stop wiping with cement bags."

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Exam Questions & Answers

Another Oldies but crazy funny

  The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

    These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 Q. Name the four seasons

  A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

 A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

 Q. How is dew formed

 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

 A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends  to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and  nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the
fight

 Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 Q. What are steroids

 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

 ...................................(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

 Q. What happens to your body as you age

 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

 ............. (So true)

 Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

 A. Premature death

 Q. What is artificial insemination

 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

 A. Keep it in the cow .....................(Simple, but brilliant)

 Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)

 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
the  abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels: A,E,I,O  and U

 ......................................................................(What
the *!!*???)

 Q. What is the fibula

 A. A small lie

 Q. What does 'varicose' mean

 A. Nearby

 Q. What is the most common form of birth control

 A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
................(That would work)

 Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 Q. What is a seizure

 A. A Roman Emperor

 ..........................................................(Julius Seizure,

 I came, I saw, I had a fit)

 Q. What is a terminal illness

 A. When you are sick at the airport

 .......................................(Irrefutable)

 Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

 A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

 Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

 A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

 .......................(OMG)

 Q. What does the word 'benign' mean

 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

 Q. What is a turbine

  A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

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#2 Pencil--very funny

An Oldie which still reads funny..

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.. This time Susie jumped up and
shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!'

The nun fainted.

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The SEVEN Blunders of the World

Wealth without work.

Pleasure without conscience.

Knowledge without character.

Commerce without morality.

Science without humanity.

Worship without sacrifice.

Politics without principle.

Mahathma Ghandhi.

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Puns of the Day...

If you've spent retirement days
Relaxing, you must mend your ways
Old age is seductive
But should be productive
Don't yield to the thrill of the chaise
        (Gary Hallock)

The dyslexic agnostic wondered if there were a Dog.

Fred and Martha had applied for jobs at a large company and had to
take an intelligence test.
Though both of them found the test a breeze, they admitted to being
momentarily stumped by the final question:
"Name a 14-letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Martha.
"I thought it was tough at first.... Then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Fred said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Is it true that several of the justices on the Supreme Court refer to
their homes as 'legal pads'?

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling
$100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,
"I have just one question for you. Where we re you going to get the
rest of the money?"

I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I
immediately call back, it rings several times and goes into voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer?
Drop the phone and run away?

Once upon a time there was a guy walking along on all fours.
He runs into a friend who asks,
"Mate, what are you doing crawling around on your knees?"
The guy on his knees looks up at him and says,
"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".
The guy looks at him and says,
"Ahhh yeah righto," and leaves.
The next day the same thing happens.
The guy on his knees says,
"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".
His friend tells him,
"Mate, I think you've lost your mind," and again leaves.
On the third day the guy is on all fours again, but this time he's got
a girl on his back.
His friend says to him,
"I thought you'd lost your mind before, but this  really takes the
cake. What the heck are you doing now?"
The guy says to him,
"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".
The other guy asks,
"Yes, I know, but what's that on your back?"
The guy looks up at him and says,
"Oh, that's Michelle!".

Life is a waste of time,
Time is a waste of life,
So, if you get wasted all of the time,
You'll have the time of your life.

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the
application form.
It had -- in addition to the traditional personal information, about
twelve questions he had to answer.
One of the questions read:
"Do you favour the overthrow of the United States government by force,
subversion or violence?"
Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, after some pondering, he checked
"Violence."

Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

A grocer, while delivering orders in his station wagon, ran down and
injured an old lady. The lady sued and was awarded an amount large
enough to drive the man out of business.
After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try again.
But a few months after opening his doors he struck an old gentleman
with his delivery truck.
The gentleman sued and collected big damages, enough to ruin the merchant.
On a peaceful Sunday the grocer was sitting in his living room when
his little boy entered and called out,
"Father, Father, Mother's been run over by a great big bus."
The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice trembling with
emotion he cried,
"Thank the Lord, my luck's changed at last."

When two single people who have been given power of attorney over
several prominent citizens-but cannot currently remember their
gambling losses for the 2001 fiscal year-meet, they have no choice but
to proxy mate.

A railroad porter decided to get married in a large room on the second
floor of the the terminal.
So many friends and kin folk showed up, that their combined weight
caused the building to collapse injuring the bride groom and many of
the guests.
The moral of the story:
Never marry above your station.

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Idiot Sighting

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a
quarter..

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back. 'She sighed and went to get
the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed
me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry, but they could not do that
kind of thing.'  The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75
cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. This does happen!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor
on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and
said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger
than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'.  He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce.

  IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
'To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street..
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I
announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already
got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi .

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UPS Airlines.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major carrier that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last:
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

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A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION!!

an Oldie but still funny

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making

love to an attractive young woman.

 And she was somewhat upset.'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

 And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can
tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!'

 And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.

 I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

 So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away.

 Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

 I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought
at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
pair the same.'

 The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?

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X - Survey on what they liked best about ...

  Oral sex Survey Results:

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best
about 'Oral Sex':

 A.. 03% liked the warmth.

 B.. 04% enjoyed the sensation.

C.. 93% appreciated the silence.

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Keep Your Assets Clean, use a mask...

I'm not really concerned about swine flu.
Here's my concern.

• 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . .  Mad Cow disease.
• 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . .  Avian flu.
• This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . .  Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the ROOSTER . . .  Whose Worried Now?

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X- Adult Puns.

  Q. What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38,
48, 58, 68, and 78?
  At   8: You take her to bed and tell her a story.
  At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.
  At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
  At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
  At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
  At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.
  At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
  At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

A man was talking to a woman in a bar.
"I have a 10 inch cock," he boasted.
"Well," she answered, "I find that hard to swallow."

The greatest lovers from England, America, and France were in a
contest to determine who was the world's greatest lover.
First question was to the Englishman:
"If you are on a first date with a woman and you want to kiss her,
where do you kiss her?" Englishman:
"On her lips."
Judge:
"That's right."
Second question was to the American:
"If you are on a second date with a woman and you want to kiss her,
where do you kiss her?"
American:
"On her breasts."
Judge:
"That's correct."
Third question was to the Frenchman:
"If you are on the third date with a woman and you want to kiss her,
where do you kiss her?"
Frenchman:
"Don't ask me, I missed the first two questions."

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.
I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

A woman wakes her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some
grapefruit juice and coffee?
He declines.
"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines.
The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Comes dinnertime and she asksif he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!

My ex came into the bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in his hand.
I asked him why he would bring pepper to our bedroom?
He told me that we needed to spice up our love life!

It's the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date's house to take
her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.
"Have a seat," the old man says. "Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute."
The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together.
"You know," the dad says, "my daughter really loves to screw. She just
loves to work up a sweat."
He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer.
"Yup, yup," the dad continues. "She loves that screwing. Just can't
get enough of it. " When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby
hurries her out the door to his car.
Five minutes later, she comes running back inside.
"Damn it, Daddy!" she screams. "The twist! It's called the twist! "

An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have
forgotten to zip up.'
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."

The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asks,
"Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy sighs.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks,
"With whom?"
"With you," he admits with a blush.
"But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is? It's
true that I would like a
husband of my own one day, but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use a condom."

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X- Adult Puns.

Two college coeds were having a beer.
One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant.
She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh, she just said, 'I can't believe I have a person inside me!'
I said, 'So do I. Could I call you back in an hour or so?'"

Archeologist finding a discarded tampon,
"What period do you think this came from?"

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she
was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said
"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied
"Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, except for
her heart condition. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied
"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to
do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and
hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

I know a guy who has a map of Canada tattooed on his ass.
Every time he sits down Quebec separates.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says:
"My wife sure is stupid!..... She bought an air conditioner. "
 2nd Hillbilly says:
"Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says:
"We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says:
"That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new
fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says:
"Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says:
"'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says:
"That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put
together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say:
"Well, what's so dumb about that? "
3rd Hillbilly says:
"She ain't got no pecker."

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Swine flu germs can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years his wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
leisure device.
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one!
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying
to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
Her husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly,
"I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."

Without nipples,
Breasts would be pointless!

"My ex was probably the dumbest man of all time."
"Why do you say that?"
"He came into the bedroom one night holding a jalepeno pepper in his hand.
I said,
'Why in hell did you bring that pepper to the bedroom?'"
"Well, what did he say?" "He said, 'You told me that we needed to
spice up our love life!'"
"And then he seduced me. And it wasn't the first time, either!"

Mitzie was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into.
Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the
machine by using the power button.
She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to tech support.
The tech told her to flip it off.
Mitzi said,
"OK, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what do I do?"

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X - ADULT PUNS

If the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a
Turkey, we all might be having a piece of ass for thanksgiving.

Anne's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown
and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and
over again throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said,
"You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my
attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at
dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in
my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

Define "Outpatient":
Someone who takes his time admitting he's gay.

The voluptuous redhead was walking down a dimly lit street when a man
jumped out of the bushes.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
"I  don't have any," she managed to reply.
"Give me your money or I'll search you!" he threatened.
She repeated that she didn't have any, then gasped as he made a
tentative search.
"You'd better give me your money now," he said menacingly, "or I'm
going to rally search you!"
"But I don't have any!" she protested, almost in tears.
So he really searched her.
"I guess you were on the level," he finally muttered angrily. "You
don't have any money on you."
"For heaven's sake," she wailed, "don't stop now. I'll write you a check."
Sex like a game of bridge.
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion, she answered...
'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhoea.

There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said,
"It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."
So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing
because he had a case early in the morning.
She said,
"Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said,
"Why, yes I am!"
So, they went to his place.
When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already
screwing someone!"

After taking Viagra for a couple years now, I feel like the wife is
starting to take my hard-ons for granite.
While on a date in a dark movie theatre, Mary Jane's date slipped his
hand down her bra.
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed.
She knew she kept her money hidden in her shoe.

To make a bull sweat,
Give him a tight Jersey.

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of
expensive imported panties.
"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to
find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping
on a dead beaver."

Some people are music lovers.
Other can love without it.

Two well-dressed, matronly women entered the business office and
approached an executive.
"Sir," said one, "we are soliciting funds for the welfare and
rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?"
"Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly."

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Plea

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man
accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's
bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to
'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why
didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time
and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I
thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence
against me."

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THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left.. When she got home she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

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Caution is the mother of Safety

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

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Office Phrases - new definitions.

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and...

What they really mean!

For your information, please. (FYI)

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

Noted and returned.

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

Review and comment.

Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

Action please.

Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

For your necessary action.

Meaning: It's your headache now.

Copy to.

Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

For your approval, please.

Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

Action is being taken.

Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

Your letter is receiving our attention.

Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

Please discuss.

Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

For your immediate action.

Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

Please reply soon.

Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities.

Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

Regards.

Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

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X - Dublin City Council

These are genuine clips from Dublin City Council complaint letters -
so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words …

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

3. Its the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof.... I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces...

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning
at 6:00 a...m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for
me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I
still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.

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I'm coming..

A truck driver was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.

Just as he was starting down, the equally steep other side, he noticed
a man and a woman lying in the center of the road making wild and
passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was
bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or
get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just
inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.

He looked down at the two, still on the road and yelled,
"What the hell's the matter with you two?
 Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!!!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied
and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming
and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.." !!!

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You know the economy is bad when .....................

Just to make you laugh for the day.

The economy is so bad . . .
that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad . . .
I ordered a burger at McDonalds
and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad . . .
that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad . . .
if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad . . .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad . . .
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad . . .
parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad . . .
a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The economy is so bad . . .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad . . .
people in Africa are donating money to Americans.

The economy is so bad . . .
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad . . .
the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad . . .
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

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Wonderful Definitions...

School:A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all  your life so that
you can die Rich.

Nurse:A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage:It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.

Tears:The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine   waterpower.

Lecture:An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of     the students without passing through "the
        minds of either"

Conference:The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the   biggest piece.

Dictionary:A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody  disagrees later on.

Father:A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got caught.

Boss:Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classics:Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:The only time some married men ever get to open their mouths.

Etc.:A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:Individuals who can do nothing  individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

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X- Doctor's unforgettable moments

  1. A man comes into my examination room and yells, 'My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the
cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the
wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'
I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she
answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

5. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the
grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

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Simple Riddles

I know you are sharp..try the following:

The 5 Riddles....

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST SET OF FIVE RIDDLES....THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.
RIDDLE  No.5  IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS
ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS !!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haven't eaten in 3 years.. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go
out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

I know you are laughing.....been easy so far...OK...

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when
you throw it away ?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.. In fact,
nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and
think about it, but you still may not find anything odd... But if you
work at it a bit, you might find out.. Try to do so without any
coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
..

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead...
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Sure you can name three consecutive days - yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

4. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

5.. The letter 'e', which is the most common letter used in the
English language,
does not appear even once in the paragraph.

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Eyeglasses

 A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had
purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?" asked the salesman.

She replied, "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband.
He's still not seeing things my way."

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Cabbie and a Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

The Nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab
driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,

'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK',  the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

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From SA

The stands at Ellis Park Rugby Ground were packed for the Currie Cup Final.
Two old friends spotted each other and waved.
"Hello Piet. How did you manage to get in?"
"I used Harry's season ticket"
"That's lucky. What is Harry doing today?"
"He stayed at home to look for his season ticket". (Einaaaaaaaaaaaaaah….).

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she
needed an in-house counsel.
So she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can
understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a
business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and
I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money." (Yislaaaaaik..)

We must limit politicians to two terms: ….  one in office and one in jail.

 The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women ask too Many Questions.

 Laugh  And The World Laughs With You, Snore  And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
 Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Advertisement in a Long Island Shop:

Guitar for sale....... Cheap....... ....no strings attached.
Ad in Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On
Lipstick Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You, Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password :……

………MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at
least 8 characters long.

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Dont Argue with your Dad?

A teenage boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't got your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair... and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked
whereever they went?

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