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Sunday, November 03, 2013

Two nuns and a dog

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your
dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

One liners to wince over

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam
can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change
supplier I think.

OH HELL !! ... Let's Offend Everybody !!!!!!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans

On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in Northern redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already
in the United States

OH be quiet ... Just pass it on!.....

A Little Poem, So True It Hurts ...........

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seemed much colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'living in the past !'

We used to go for weddings
Football games & lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And while the night away.

We used to go out dining
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home & take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near & far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in a car.

We used to go to night clubs
And drink a lot of booze.
Now we stay at home at night
And watch the evening news.

That my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So enjoy each day & live it up,
Before you're too damn old !

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Punyawathi & Karunadaasa

BRILLIANT SRI LANKAN HUMOUR

There was once a married couple, named Punyawathi and Karunadaasa.
They had a son who was about 22 years old.
One day this couple thought of opening a Tours & Travel business.
So they bought a bus and, using the first two letters of their names,

they called it "PuKa."
(Punyawathi + Karunaadasa).

After a while the business began to do very well; Puka Tours was in full swing.
Now this son of theirs began an affair with a girl whose family
wanted to find out more about him. So they went to the girl's house
to meet her parents.
However, only Punyawathi was at home as Karunadasa was at the river
washing the bus.

When the guests asked where Karunadasa was, Punyawathi replied: "Puka hodanava".

Obviously, the guests were quite upset about these people's language,
and sat down to talk.
The girl's father then asked Punyawathi from where they got their
income.
Punyawathi replied: "Pukenma thamai".

When the guests, now quite shocked, decided to leave, Punyawathi
stopped them saying:
"Poddak innako, dan Karunadasa awilla ogollo serama pukenma arii."

Today is a fine day...

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife couldn't take it and asks her husband:

Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day, today is a
fine day.. I am fed up. Stop it.

says Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will
leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.

WD-40

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet' The doctor
then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil
ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,
we aint got done yet.' The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran
out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...
'Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f??kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

How children perceive their grandparents.

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before..
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods"
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough.. to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas
leaks.. and they blame their dog..

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
IT WILL MAKE SURE THEIR DAY IS Great.!

Being Blonde

A blonde girl came skipping home from school one
day."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying
the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it
to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school..
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym
class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24!"

Thursday, October 17, 2013

It's An Age Thing !

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells
his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I
hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't
help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is
perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the
fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did ! " replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight ".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Church Bells Ringing -Joke of the Day

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A Very VERY VERY IRISH Joke

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench
saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to
the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says,
"Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now
re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to
Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse
replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to
hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down
and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b*****d put his head in a plastic bag and
he suffocated.

WHEN I am 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, JUST LET ME.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

Monday, October 14, 2013

Some Legal Jokes, For Free

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house, with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call
from Home Depot, who installed them. The guy there complained, that
the work at my house had been completed, a year ago, but that I still
hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo?!, just because I'm blonde, it doesn't mean that I am also
automatically stupid?! So, I told him, just what his fast-talking
sales guy had told me, last year. That these windows would pay for
themselves, in a year. Hellooooo!? It's been a year, so they are paid
for, I told him.

There was only silence, at the other end of my phone line. So, I
finally hung up. That guy, never called me back. I bet he felt, like
an idiot.
..........................................................................................

A man went to his lawyer, and told him, "My neighbour owes me US$ 500,
and doesn't want to pay me. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?", asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter, asking him for the US$ 1,000, that he
owes you", said the lawyer.

"But it's only US$ 500?!" replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply, and we will have the proof, that we
need", replied the lawyer.

............................................................................................
The professor of a Contract Law class, asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go
about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange, for you."

The professor was outraged, and said, "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Ok. I will tell him - "I hereby give
and convey to you, all and singular, my estate and interests, rights,
claims, titles and advantages, of and in the said orange, together
with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and
advantages with full power, to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the
same, or give the same away, with and without the pulp, juice, rind
and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or
deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind, whatsoever to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dog ran into a butcher's shop, and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog, as belonging to a
neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be, a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor, and
said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast, from my butchery, would you be
liable, for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course! How much was the roast?"

The pleased butcher replied, "US$ 7.98".
A few days later, the butcher received a cheque in the mail, for
for US$ 7.98. Attached to it, was an invoice that read, 'My Legal
Consultation Charges - US$ 150'.
............................................................................................

The lawyer's son, wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. So he
went to law school. He graduated with Honours, and then went home, to
join his father's legal firm. At the end of his first day at work, he
rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, you know what? In
one day, I managed to solve the Accident Case, that you have been
working on, for the past 10 years!?" His father responded, "You
idiot?! We lived comfortably, on the funding of that case, for the
past 10 years!?"

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together...
And then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement...

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's
Middle name is so he can
Tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will
Reach a point when you stop
Lying about your age and
Start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back
Their odometers. Not me, I want
People to know 'why' I look this
Way. I've traveled a long way and
Some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and
Would like to go back to your
Youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting
Old when everything either
Dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no
One tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young. Ah, being
Young is beautiful, but being
Old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around
My shoulder and your hand
Over my mouth . . . AMEN

XXX ADULT PUNS!

"You look mad, Jill. Why are you so upset?"
"It's work! My boss gave the job I deserved to another woman! I'm
better qualified and have been at the company longer!"
"Oh, that's a shame! What's the position?"
"Well, from what I understand, it's on her knees under his desk!"

The New York Police Department fired all their gay detectives
Because
They kept blowing all their cases.

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"
"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the
film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering
for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G. E. Logo printed on
my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied,
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on
my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So, he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said,
"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young
man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said,
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied,
"Hellooooo. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Confucius Say:
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always
after the girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said,
"I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied,
"But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse then?"

Good:
Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad:
Making a sex Ed video.
Worse:
He's the star of it.

What Love Means to a 4 to 8 year old

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to
8 year-olds ,

'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined

See what you think:

'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time
, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mom and
Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend
who you hate , '

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mom gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mom sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford .'

Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mom sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..'

Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little
boy said , 'Nothing , I just helped him cry'

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND!!!

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.

When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get
a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not
an option for us in the evening, I'm ready for some home-cooked food
when I walk through that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills
during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so
I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or
even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her
figure.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice
big cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just relax for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make
one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol.
I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is
easy.
Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I
will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on
this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
Inches of grip showing.
Ron, somehow without looking, must have accidentally sat down on his golf club

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Oh God

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.
Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in
front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips
the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses,
being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts
for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it's heading for the water
trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches
the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird
swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it's circling
over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to
drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth,
and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling
around we're not gonna bring you next time.""

Monday, September 23, 2013

Old Friends Get Together

A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the waitresses

there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food and

service was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because they could dine

in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because the restaurant

was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant,

because they had never been there before and heard it was quite
good !!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

BP

Kamasutra says:

If you suck one nipple,the woman herself offers the other one. And
that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a
"B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini , Boobs & lower body with a "P". Petticoat,
pants, panties, pussy....

No wonder why men suffer from high BP!

My friend

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Hope this put a smile on your face

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted..
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

*********************************************

On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'

*********************************************

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,'was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel...

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

*********************************************

SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.
Hope this put a smile on your face it

Sure did mine!

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Baptist White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group
in Tuscaloosa,
but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging
through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while
drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper. She plunked it
in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head
for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and
to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What
would they think? She would be ostracized,talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her
And talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about
the cake, and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the
home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who
more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a
single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but
having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to
stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for
dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a
beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought
to herself,

"God is good."

While on a road trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
At a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
Restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before
They could find a place to turn
Around,
In order to return to the restaurant
To retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and
Scolded
His wife relentlessly during the
Entire return drive. The more he
Chided her,
The more agitated he became. He
Just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
Car, and hurried inside to retrieve
Her glasses, the old
Geezer yelled to her,
While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the credit card.

Confession of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 20th
wedding anniversary when the wife says,
'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I
made a confession...... Before we were married I was a hooker for
eight years..'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for 20 years and I cannot hold
your past against you.. So may be you could show me a few tricks of
the trade so as to spice up our sex life a bit..?'

She said,
'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was Robin
and I played rugby for Ireland.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Fifty Shades....

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body.

You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me
without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while
you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no
avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake,
waiting for you........

Damn Mosquito

Breakfast special.................

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to
ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had fuck all', he says, ' F-U-C-K-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her
which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in
bed with my mother.

That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

Little Johnny : 2+2+2=7...

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how
many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2
cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples,
and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!

GLASS OF WINE

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine
and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

Monday, September 09, 2013

New Senior's Exam, need 4 out of 10 to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 04 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
Remember, you need only 04 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of
course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

Pass this on to your brilliant friends.

Friday, September 06, 2013

Spanish Computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine
gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, But half the time they ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you
Commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could
have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know
...and all the men that have a sense of humour.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

EATING IN THE UK IN THE 50's ?

For those of you who are old enough to remember, enjoy.

For the rest - it's a history lesson!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.

Have things really changed this much in our time?

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt
on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white
gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a
real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and

charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was
elbows

A Marine Story

During a commercial airline flight an old experienced Marine was seated
next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying
during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly
as possible.

The Marine pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he
gallantly offered his
assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the Marine responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time
spent on the breast would help alleviate pressure in the baby's ears. The Marine
sadly shook his head, and in true Marine fashion exclaimed
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

A Great Lesson on Stress

A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised

glass of water while leading a seminar and explaining stress manage-ment to
her audience. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question,
'Half empty or half full?' She fooled them all.

"How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on

how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case

it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our
burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly
heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest
before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the
burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Pick them

up again tomorrow if you must.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days

you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to

eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the

middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their

Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was

probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a

warning to others.

8. Forget 8 it was not very good..

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then

you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.(think about it).

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you

live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are

pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are

different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on

a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought

about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the
devil says ~~

Fwd: You gotta love Harold..

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a
difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are
boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have
found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us
wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

This is a quote from Harold:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and
one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey
into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do
it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all!!!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Fwd: Interesting Golf Statistics

1. 125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th
hole of the Stadium Course at Sawgrass.

2. The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a
monstrous 375 feet.

3. Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right handed.

He learned to play golf by mirroring his father's golf swing, and
he has used left handed golf clubs ever since.

4. The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one
in 67 million.

5. Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight years old.

6. Balls travel significantly further on hot days. A golfer swinging a
club at around 100 mph will carry the driver up to eight yards longer
for each increase in air temperature of 25°F.

7. The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International
Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards.

8. The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in
Morococha , Peru , which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its
lowest point.

9. The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the
Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan . It measures an
incredible 909 yards.

10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the
585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey .

11. The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par
6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts , with an area in
excess of 28,000 square feet.

12. The driver swing speed of an average lady golfer is 62mph; 96mph
for an average LPGA professional; 84mph for an average male golfer;
108mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130mph for Tiger Woods;
148-152mph for a national long drive champion.

13. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

14. The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with
feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that flew the farthest.
Feather balls were used until 1848.

15. The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was
five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton , Colorado , in
1975.

16. 22.8% of golfers are women.

17. Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens
wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion.

18. The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While
playing 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which
became "birdie" over time.

19. The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden".
This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the
Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve", meaning "club". Historians believe this
was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to
"golve," "gowl" or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved
into the word we know today.

20. Don't feel bad about your high handicap --- 80% of all golfers
will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.

Monday, August 26, 2013

The English Gentlemen

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the
following group of people are shipwrecked :-

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Latvian men and 1 Latvian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Latvian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another
long look at the Latvian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the
Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't
raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English
aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

Brig n the lady

Brigadier Preston-Jago of the Royal Army Maintenance Corps was
undergoing a court-martial for an incident where he was found to be
chasing a young lady through the hallways of the Grafton Hotel,
Catterick, Yorkshire, England, in which they were both residing.
Neither of them were wearing any clothing whatsoever.
The main charge was that of "being out of uniform."
The Brigadier's lawyer, a clever cove, argued that the officer was not
"out of uniform", as the regulations read, 'An Army officer must be at
all times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is
engaged.'

Brigadier Preston-Jago was acquitted

Wife DOES NOT WORK

Conversation between a Husband (H) and a Psychologist (P):

P : What do you do for a living Mr. Bandy ?
H : I work as an Accountant in a Bank.

P : Your Wife ?
H : She doesn't work. She's a Housewife only.

P : Who makes breakfast for your family in the morning?
H : My Wife, because she doesn't work.

P : At what time does your wife wake up for making breakfast?
H : She wakes up at around 5 am because she cleans the house first before
making breakfast.

P : How do your kids go to school?
H : My wife takes them to school, because she doesn't work.

P : After taking your kids to school, what does she do ?
H : She goes to the market, then goes back home for cooking and laundry. You
know, she doesn't work.

P : In the evening, after you go back home from office, what do you do ?
H : Take rest, because I'm tired due to all day work.

P : What does your wife do then ?
H : She prepares meals, serving our kids, preparing meals for me and
cleaning the dishes, cleaning the house, then taking kids to bed.

Who do you think works more, from the story above ???

The daily routines of your wives commence from early morning to late night.
That is called 'DOESN'T WORK' ??!!

Yes, Being Homemakers do not need Certificate of Study, even High Position,
but their ROLE/PART is very important!

Appreciate your wives. Because their sacrifices are uncountable. This should
be a reminder and reflection for all of us to understand and appreciate each
others roles.

All about a WOMAN ....

* When she is quiet, millions of things are running in her mind.

* When she stares at you, she is wondering why she loves you so much in
spite of being taken for granted.

* When she says I will stand by you, she will stand by you like a rock.

Never hurt her or take her wrong or for granted...

Forward to every woman to make her smile and to every man to make him
realize a woman's worth...!!!

Dating a Chinese girl...

Always try to understand what others are saying in their context! Don't jump
to conclusions!

I asked a Chinese girl if she would come out with me for a date and I asked
her telephone number so that I could call her.

She got all excited and said:
"SEX SEX SEX FREE SEX TO NIGHT"
... wow I thought am in for a treat !

but then, my friend told me what she really meant was
"6 6 6 3 6 2 9"

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Adam

God Said, Adam "I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Fwd: WORD SCRABBLE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Garage sale

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a
retirement village. On the front lawn were six old
ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement
village with the same six old ladies lying naked
on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and
I went inside to talk to the retirement village
administrator and ask her "Do you know there
are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn ?"

Yes, she said, "Aren't they darlings? They're
retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale"

XXX ADULT PUNS

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: FARID Abdelcader <farid@sltnet.lk>
Date: Wed, Aug 21, 2013 at 7:09 AM
Subject: ADULT PUNS
To: undisclosed-recipients@sltnet.lk

ADULT PUNS

"Go to father," she said,
When he asked her to wed,
And she knew that he knew that her father was dead,
And she knew that he knew what a life he had led,
So she knew that he knew what she meant as she said,
"Go to father."

Texas makes me think of the old slogan
"Remember the Alamo."
It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put
his wife, of all people, on the battle line.
She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from
the front line.
After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo
knee.

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so
they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon
So they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true."
She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied
"Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true."
Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied
"Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

"How do you spell clitoris?"
"I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago."

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.
For twenty years he never sees another human being.
Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped
off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.
He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and
eating fruits and berries.
She says,
"Well, what did you do for love?"
He says, "Love? What's that?"
She says,
"I'll show you."
She shows him.
Then she shows him again.
Then she shows him one more time.
When they're finally done, she says,
"Well, how do you like love?"
He says,
"It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

Jewish girls have gold diaphragms so they can tell their fathers that their
boyfriends are cumming into money!

Little Johnny and his dad are walking in the park when they pass two dogs
having intercourse.
"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" asks Little Johnny.
His dad explains,
"Well, son, the one on top hurt his foot, and his friend is carrying him
home."
Little Johnny looks back at the dogs and remarks,
"Geez, ain't that just like a friend? You try to help him out and he screws
you every time!"

Bambi could never have been a mother If her hart hadn't been in the right
place (Alan F. G. Lewis)

Albert Einstein married his cousin after he had postulated that men have a
special attraction to the breasts of women in their own family.
He titled this his 'Theory of Relative Titty'.

Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite!

The rich milkman..

A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his
wife and the nurse.

He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."

To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los
Angeles Plaza."

"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Center
offices".

And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."

The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your
husband is very rich! And what's great is he is bequeathing all his
properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"

The wife retorts,"Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the
routes where he delivers milk!!"

Clapping

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South
Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the
audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children,
every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun
violence.' Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced
the quiet and said, "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Other daddy

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just
don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always
leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like how my other
Daddy does ?"

Two liners

GOA RADIO ORGANISED A COMPETITION OF A TWO-LINE POEM, IN WHICH THE FIRST
LINE MUST BE THE MOST ROMANTIC, BUT THE SECOND LINE SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE.

This was the winner sent by Joao Caitan :
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of urrak, one part lime ! ;

Friday, August 09, 2013

XXX LEWINSKY vs KACZYNSKI Courtesy of Mr.CALVIN FERNANDO

The Washington Post Runs A Weekly Contest In Its Style Section Called

The 'Style Invitational'.

The Requirements This Week Were To Use The Words 'Lewinsky'

(The Intern gWas Giving 'Personal Assistance' To President Clinton In
The White House)

And 'Kaczynski' (The Unabomber Who Sent Bombs In The Mail) In The Same Limerick
As A Play On Words.

The Winning Entries (Below) Were Actually Printed Verbatim In This
Very Popular Newspaper, Without Bleeps Or Alterations Of Any Kind.

Third Place:

There Once Was A Girl Named Lewinsky

Who Played On A Flute Like Stravinsky

Twas 'Hail to the Chief'

On This Flute Made Of Beef

That Stole The Front Page From Kaczynski.

Second Place:

Said Clinton To Young Ms. Lewinsky,

We Don't Want To Leave Clues Like Kaczynski,

Since You Made Such A Mess,

Use The Hem Of Your Dress

And Please Wipe That Stuff Off Your Chinsky.

And The Winning Entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczynski Must Surely Have Known,

That An Intern Is Better

Than A Bomb In A Letter

When Deciding How Best To Be Blown.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Gardening with grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through
blouse on, and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not
to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up. Grandma! These
are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show' and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting
there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off
your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

(This is too funny not to share!)

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

weekly jokes

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
Concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
Hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
He stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
Damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His
buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
The process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Politically incorrect but Alphabetically correct

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and
speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ...
" I'm sorry things have come to this stage ladies and gentlemen, but
unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the
aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease.

Once again the pilot gets on the intercom,
"I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to
have to start off-loading some passengers.
The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the
letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"

There was no answer so the pilot calls,
"Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.."
Colored…are there any colored people on board?"
Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother
and said,
"Mum, ain't we African?
...... Ain't we black?
.......Ain't we colored?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers.

Let them do the Americans...and the Australians first,

.........then the Bhutanese, ............the British,

the Burmese,. ..the Canadians , the Chinese......
in that order......
till they reach the Sri Lankans, the Vatican & then Zambia
After that...
if the plane still needs more jettisoning...we is Zulus".

.....O.K?

Monday, August 05, 2013

The Little Red Hen - version 2012

"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and
ripened.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They
wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said, "No,
I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around
the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came He said to the little red hen, "You must not be
so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.
But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked
bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the
Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so
long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years
repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT ?

Sunday, August 04, 2013

Birth control

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at
the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if
they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was,
"The rhythm method". "That will work," said the counsellor, "but only if
you keep a good record."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using
birth control pills" she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as
you don 't forget to take them".
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told
her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a
specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used
the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am,
going to have a baby."'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The
birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the
bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what
the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has
worked well for you."
She replied, "Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers ....
"I kick the bucket out from under him".

Friday, August 02, 2013

Nonsense Generation

Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and
he lives in UK.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had
long chats on whatsapp,he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2
months of relationship through viber.I need ur blessings and good wishes
daddy ..................

Dad said: Wow! Really!! then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy
your kids on e-bay, send them thru gmail. And if you are fed up with your
husband.... sell him on amazon.

Thursday, August 01, 2013

When you get old..

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts
on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send
her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a
friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed
woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest
caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with
my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce
issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. Alligator that suddenly emerged
from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must
have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I
would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator
got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk
pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... The amount I
saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

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