XXX Adult PUNS!

"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a
low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'Does my pair annoy ya?'"

A woman who uses too much contraceptive cream is
A spermicidal maniac.

Howard was feeling guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him -
"Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one
of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian."

A man is dying of cancer.
His son asked
"Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?"
Dad replied:
"So when I'm dead no one is going to screw your mom."

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
"Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies:
"Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be
best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have
sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother:
"Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
The little boy returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!"
The father then says:
"Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal
for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister:
"Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies:
"Hell yes, I would!"
He returns to his father:
"Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!"
The father answers:
"Okay son, here's the deal: hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in
reality, we're just living with a couple of whores!

Cinderella is sitting home, crying.
A fairy flies by and hears the crying,
So he decides to check it out.
He goes in and asks Cinderella:
"Why are you crying?"
"Others are at the ball, but I can't go there!"
"Why?"
"I'm having my period"
"Others have periods too, but they are at the ball?"
"Yes, but I don't have a tampon!"
So, the fairy gives Cinderella a golden tampon, packed in a silver box.
Even Cinderella's step-mother doesn't have so beautiful tampons.
So, Cinderella goes to the ball.
Later that night, past midnight, Cinderella comes home, her legs spread wide
open, like she has given birth to five babies. The same fairy happens to see
her and asks, what happened?
"You didn't tell me that when it's midnight it will turn into a pumpkin!"

A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman.
He propositioned her, but all he got was a bust in the mouth.
Eventually, he went to bed with the woman, but his friends had to put him up
to it.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night.
Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd.
Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around
his bum.
"Sherlock, what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.
Sherlock smiles and replies.
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson".

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits