XX ADULT PUNS

On the beach woman lay in the buff,
And she hoped that she'd soon get enough
Oral sex from a guy
Who was just walking by;
'Twas a chance that she hoped he would muff.


The first old geezer said,
"My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogy one-upped him.
"My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all
my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said,
"That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I
came three times."

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the
door,
He opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.
She says,
"I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So, he lets her in.
"What`ll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches
her down the lot one by one.
She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs.
When he has had enough, he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a
twenty bucks per go.
Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where
she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night, at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and
the girl is back.
He can`t believe his luck.
Inviting her in he asks,
"Twenty five whiskeys again, Darling?"
"Oh" she replies, "No vodka please. Whiskey makes my twat sore."

I knew a guy who was into bondage, bestiality, & necrophilia but he finally
gave it up.
He said it was too much like flogging a dead horse.

The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said,
"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I
expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told
you you could come and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My lawyer."

One guy is very upset and yells at his friend,
"You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for
what you did."
"Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."

Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first
time.
Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed,
"Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby
and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty."
"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful
little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn.
Naturally, the oo's and AA's started ending with the same question,
'Where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?'
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about
$5,000."
The two little girls were stunned.
The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.
Finally, one of the little girls turned to the other and said,
"You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me,
she REALLY got screwed!"

Dave returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's
bedroom closet.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing in there?"
"I'm riding a bus," the man replied.
"That's a dumb, stupid thing to say!"
"Well, that was a stupid question for you to ask!"

He: "If I could see you completely naked, I'd die happy."
She: "Maybe, but if I saw YOU naked, I'd die laughing."