XXX: ADULT PUNS!

Good: You have a great vibrator.
Bad: You can't find it.
Worse: Your daughter 'borrowed' it

An old West Virginny mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over
custody of their children.
The mother protested that since she brought them kids into this world, she
should retain custody of them.
The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long
moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked,
"Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"

Good. You're wife is great in the bedroom
Bad: She's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to
apply to a hospital.
The director of the hospital thought the woman was very bright and had a lot
of potential.
But the doctor wanted to ask her a few questions just to quiz her.
"Well." said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions
before we make anything definite, OK?"
"Of course," said the woman."
"Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the
director
"That's easy," the woman said, "A tonsillectomy."
"Very good. OK, What is the removal of your appendix called?" the director
continued.
"I believe that is an appendectomy," the woman said confidentially
"Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director
asked.
Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known
to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change
operation was called.
She sat staring at the wall for some time before the director began to get
anxious.
"Do you know?" he asked repeatedly.
Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said,
"Of course, addadictomy."

Good: Your wife has a high paying job.
Bad: She's been arrested for soliciting.
Worse: You're the John

An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her own.
"It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just as
soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate and I
want to make love to whomever I happen to be with."
"I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a
couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed,
and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."

Good: The secretary said, "Yes."
Bad: Your wife says, "No."
Worse: The secretary is pregnant

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but
when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts
kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't
be able to race, so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the
stallion away.
So that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found.
The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the
neighbor's kid out by their barn.
"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed
sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid replies,
"No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief
sticking out of her ass."


Good: Your car conveniently 'runs out of gas'.
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod
cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks
or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's
plenty of shot in your bag.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's ten