XX ADULT PUNS!

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with whom, and to whom.

After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow
passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country.
"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I
got myself a paramour."
The passenger was astonished.
"A paramour?" he said.
"Does your wife know?"
"Sure", said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

When you cross LSD with a birth control pill,
You get a trip without the kids.

A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said.
He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames.
"Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper turned the
frame over, studied the back and said to the woman,
"Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed,
"What kind of girl do you think I am?"

My cousin Vinny is in a bad spot.
He has a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his
hearing on that side.
He has no insurance, though, and the cost is way too much for him.
He does have a way out, though.
A local widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only if he'll marry
her afterwards!
She's 20 years older than him and not very bright.
You could call it a wife or deaf situation.

Jewish girls have gold diaphragms
So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!

On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan.
He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no
intention of leaving America to live in a desert. Immediately, the Arab
bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California,
and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in
his private jet.
Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.
Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her
back home.
"Whatever for?" asked her father.
"I've married a pervert," she cried.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me home."
So, her father drove to her New England home.
Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove
along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples.
And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made
the White House look like a dog kennel.
He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall,
and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and
ready to go.
"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to
stay a moment longer."
Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendour.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.
"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.
He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.
"When I married him," she sobbed, my ass-hole was as tight as a penny piece,
and now, it's as big as a half dollar."
"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for the sake
of forty-nine cents!"

"How is it I find you sleeping with my daughter?" stormed the outraged
father. "I ask you, you little bastard, how is it?" "Why, just great, sir,"
replied the calm young man, 'just great!"

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the
newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
Replied the widow,
"Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for
posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he
really was."