XXX ADULT PUNS!

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

I am such a lucky man.
My wife has just said that I can invite my sexy secretary to our house for a
few drinks and have sex with her as much as I want all weekend.
Well, what she actually said was,
"I'm off to London this weekend with work, so you will have the house to
yourself"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion,
I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one
day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over
said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval, but as he got ready to call on another hand
there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150-seat auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who
had spoken.
Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"

They made a movie about my wife's sex life,
'The Night of the Living Dead'.

I've decided to call our bathroom the "Jim" instead of the "John"
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the "Jim" every morning.

The judge turns to the woman and says:
"I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob.
Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks
tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered good
manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out,"
says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman "I wasn't talking about his finger."

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

A Catholic boy in confession says,
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my
sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers."