XX ADULT PUNS!

I went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some woman who was snoring and
farting.
So, I knew I made it home OK!

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"
She rolled over away from him.
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather
tersely.
Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"
"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a freaking microwave?"

Why are clams like women?
Because
When the red tide comes you don't eat them.

Bob was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said,
"It's actually really romantic."
"Oh, yeah?" responded Bob. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the
kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madam wouldn't
give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

The drinker announced to the bartender,
"It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'sexual matters' at my
company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses
on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to
suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts, and it was after that I
was told if they ever wanted my f*ckin' advice, they'd let me know."