XXX ADULT PUNS!

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he
would like to enjoy life a little.
So, he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club.
He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by
the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of
days.
Two days later, he was told that his application was refused.
He went there to find out why.
He was asked,
"You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that." "Well, the board decided that they could not stand a
circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march
in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of
Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a
complete schmuck (prick) to be a Scotsman!"

Went to our local bar with my wife last night.
Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my
wife is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which
his Dad keeps saying
"No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says,
"OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks
"Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds
to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks,
"So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbled on."

When a girl says,
"No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

Someone once asked me,
"What is your job?"
I replied,
"I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, he asked,
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fuckin' advice,
she'll ask me for it."

A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said,
"Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and more money than you thought
you had."

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu,
Would it be called a bullshit?

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod
cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks
or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's
plenty of shot in your bag.

Men's Thoughts During Love Making:
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking:
"I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking:
"If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."