XX Adult humour.

To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in
between them.

If outer one breaks, she will know'
if inner one breaks, you will know!
___________________________________________________

A Survey Report: 65% of all women carry condoms.
The other 35% carry babies.


A Guy picks up a girl for the date, and on seeing her, asks:
Why are you wearing your belt around the knee?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
_______________________________________________________________________
Thought for the day:
In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road and a man is like a
traveller.
The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!
_______________________________________________________________________

Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen.
________________________________________________________________________

A Greek & an Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!
________________________________________________________________________
Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her
dentist and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, "You're
beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist
THE man for you?" "Because," explained Marsha, "he is the first man
that ever said to me 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Q: Why does a prostitute need a triangle coffin?
A: Because everytime her head hits a pillow, the legs spread!
________________________________________________________________________

Jhony: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?
Leon: What are you saying. I would never even think about such things.
Jhony: Well. You might want to. She is much better, than yours.
________________________________________________________________________

Jeena: Do you watch your husband's face during sex?
Sheena: I did once & saw anger.
Jeena: Why?
Sheena: Because he was watching from the window.

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XX The Black Bra.. (as narrated by women) ...

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door each wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You
are the woman of my dreams... I love you.' Then we made passionate
love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble.. and we had wild brutal sex in 'untamed' places all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door
and saw me he said,

(you are just going to love this..)















So what's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Quotes .... Marilyn Monroe

In its feature on the top 100 people of the last century, TIME magazine
wrote about Marilyn Monroe,
"She sauntered through life as the most delectable sex symbol of the century
and became its most enduring pop confection."

Marilyn Monroe was born Norma Jeane Mortenson and legally changed her name
to Marilyn Monroe in 1956.

She became an American icon after a series of sexy performances on the
silver screen.

On this page, you can read some interesting quotes by Marilyn Monroe.

(on her marriage to Jim Dougherty)... My marriage brought me neither
happiness nor pain. My husband and I hardly spoke to each other. This wasn't
because we were angry. We had nothing to say.

A career is born in public -- talent in privacy.

Acting isn't something you do. Instead of doing it, it occurs. If you're
going to start with logic, you might as well give up. You can have conscious
preparation, but you have unconscious results.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After
marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Blond hair and breasts, that's how I got started. I couldn't act. All I had
was blond hair and a body men liked. The reason I got ahead is that I was
lucky and met the right men.

Dogs never bite me, just humans.

Even though I was born there, I still can't think of one good thing to say
about it. If I close my eyes, and picture LA, all I see is one big varicose
vein.

Every morning I walk across my apartment rolling an empty soda bottle
between my ankles, in order to preserve my balance.

Fame is fickle and I know it.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

I always sleep with my mouth open. I know because it's open when I wake up.

I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

I knew I belonged to the public and to the world. Not because I was talented
or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone
else.

I like actors very much, but to marry one would be like marrying your
brother. You look too much alike in the mirror.

I love to do the things the censors won't pass.

I never wear stockings or underclothes because I think it is important to
breathe freely.

I restore myself when I'm alone.

I seldom write letters, but I love calling friends, especially late at
night, when I can't sleep.

I used to think as I looked at the Hollywood night, "There must be thousands
of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm
not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."

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Samurai! and others

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai.

After a year, only three applied for the job:

A Japanese,
A Chinese and
A Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly
divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny
box, releasing a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! *

The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward opened a tiny box
releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his
sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.

But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly
isn't even dead."

"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !!


"Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

Party


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas
party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
" Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY...

-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

-There go the lights again...

-Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... And this guy's got two of 'em.

-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

-What's this doing here?

-I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?

-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

-Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

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Decided to offend someone today!!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy
peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said, "I've not
eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly
found in cells. Apparently, "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the
correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, "Sorry
about the wait." I said, "Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, "Any change?" I said, "No, you're
still black".

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, "What's
wrong?" The boy says, "Me ma is dead"."Oh bejaysus" the man says, "Do you
want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?" The boy replies, "No tanks
mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with
her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ... I'm
going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, "Where am I ?" The Irish farmer
looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up
there."

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question .......
Which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the curliest hair
?' Apparently the correct answer was Fiji...

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; "You are grossly overweight" he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed "OK - you're bloody ugly as well"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the tits of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.
I spent $2,000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent another $2,000 on liposuction for her.
She was over the moon.
Then I spend $50 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental.
Women!

70% of the gay population were born that way.
30% were sucked into it.

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.
After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having
any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the
husband.
"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.
"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the
doctor patiently.
The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky, so
I shoot it into the pillow."

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

When I first learned that my teenage daughter went through the car wash with
her top down, I thought,
"Well, kids can be forgetful sometimes."
Then, I remembered she doesn't have a convertible.
Or a car, for that matter.

Pick-Up Line:
Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.


Tony, the milkman, had a door to door delivery service.
A lady called down from her apartment,
"Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk."
"What apartment, lady?"
She said,
"4 Q."
Tony yelled back,
"4 Q too, lady!"

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Men's Thoughts During Love Making: Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

I am such a lucky man.
My wife has just said that I can invite my sexy secretary to our house for a
few drinks and have sex with her as much as I want all weekend.
Well, what she actually said was,
"I'm off to London this weekend with work, so you will have the house to
yourself"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion,
I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one
day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know.
I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over
said,
"Twelve."
The professor nodded approval, but as he got ready to call on another hand
there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150-seat auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who
had spoken.
Finally, he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally, she said,
"Only one sir."
And the professor said,
"Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice,
"A hundred and two!"

They made a movie about my wife's sex life,
'The Night of the Living Dead'.

I've decided to call our bathroom the "Jim" instead of the "John"
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the "Jim" every morning.

The judge turns to the woman and says:
"I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob.
Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks
tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered good
manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out,"
says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman "I wasn't talking about his finger."

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

A Catholic boy in confession says,
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my
sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he
would like to enjoy life a little.
So, he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club.
He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by
the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of
days.
Two days later, he was told that his application was refused.
He went there to find out why.
He was asked,
"You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that." "Well, the board decided that they could not stand a
circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march
in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of
Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a
complete schmuck (prick) to be a Scotsman!"

Went to our local bar with my wife last night.
Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my
wife is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which
his Dad keeps saying
"No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says,
"OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks
"Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds
to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks,
"So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbled on."

When a girl says,
"No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

Someone once asked me,
"What is your job?"
I replied,
"I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, he asked,
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fuckin' advice,
she'll ask me for it."

A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said,
"Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and more money than you thought
you had."

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu,
Would it be called a bullshit?

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod
cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks
or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's
plenty of shot in your bag.

Men's Thoughts During Love Making:
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking:
"I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking:
"If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

The gay man took two aspirin with his Viagra
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

"So at the end of our first date, he told me he wanted me for a friend."
"All right."
"Yeah, but on the second date, he brought the friend!"

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of
temptation," she said, "Ask yourself just one question:
Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Garbage men come once a week.


Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot.
You've got to take your time.
You've got to stir gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

On a southbound train a few months after the civil war, a young belle
suddenly moved from her seat next to a businessman and sat beside a
confederate veteran who was on his way home from the front lines.
"That carpetbagger offered me fifty dollars to sleep with him tonight," the
offended girl indignantly told the soldier.
The southerner immediately drew his gun and shot the man.
"Let that be a lesson to any other damn Yankees. We never pay a girl over
twenty dollars here in Dixie!"

What do a condom and a woman have in common?
They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your
dick.

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A look back at 2012 - SOME NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT - BUT WHAT THE HELL

No offence intended to any sensitive flowers!

A look back at 2012 - SOME NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT - BUT WHAT THE HELL
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small
jugs.

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's
riots.... Your one-year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon ….

-------------------

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and
with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They're both in hospital - one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy
tikka!

----------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their hands on.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A freshman college girl described her date with the star quarterback to her
roommate.
"And, you won't believe this, he unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me, 'Do you want some of this?'"
"Oh God! What did you say?"
"I said, 'No, thanks. But you go ahead. You really don't have enough to
share.'"

Little 4-year-old Melanie rushed into the kitchen where her mother was
preparing lunch.
Melanie was all excited, tugged one her mother's skirt, and looking up,
asked,
"Mommy, can a 4-year-old girl have a baby?"
Her mother looks at the small child, and tells her,
"Of course not, honey. She's too young."
The mother turning back to the stove hears the screen door slam, and her
daughter running across the porch loudly exclaiming happily,
"It's okay, boys. We can play the same game again!"


What do you call an empty Budweiser bottle with 15 bumblebees trapped
inside?
A redneck vibrator.


A salesman is visiting West Hollywood California, and checks into a local
motel.
As he was checking out the next morning, the desk clerk noticed that he
looked a bit frazzled.
He asked
"Sir was everything OK with your room?"
He angrily replies,
"Was everything OK? I wake up at 2:00 in the morning with this huge cowboy
sitting on my chest holding a pistol to my head. He tells me that if l don't
suck his dick he's going to blow my freaking head off!"
The desk clerk is shocked and asks,
"What did you do?"
The salesman replied,
"You didn't you hear any shooting, did you?"


Don't do it with bankers,
Most of them are tellers.


A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger on
top of his wife in their bed.
He says,
"What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says,
"I told you that he was stupid."


You can tell you're in a tough lesbian bar
When even the pool table doesn't have balls.

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Marriage India style

This is an actual letter (taken from The Times of India) in response to a
`Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am
seeing your advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper.

So I decide to press myself on you and I am hopping you will make the
marriage with me.

I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna .
I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I
educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School , Bezna Road .

I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled
with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly.
Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast
baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are
running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. Balls are
bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.

I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy
always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I
giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how
nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things.
I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for
all the peoples. So I am not doing so. I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I
am going to jim and I am pumping like anything.

Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I
pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing
everywhere.

I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open
for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself
only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands everyday. That
is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my
things into your hands.

Madam, if you are marrying me, I am telling you, I will be hardly loving you
everyday. If you are not marrying me then I will press you and press you
until you come. I am at your feet and slowing looking up, with hope. I am
waiting very badly for your reply why because I am stiff with excitement and
anticipation.

Expecting good answer and speedy replies to me in the future.
Namaste.
Yours,
Hiralal

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Mohammads first day at school

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you
will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two
fucking Arabs."

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Golf balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking

deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Today's Short Reading from the Bible... really funny

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis :

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in
all corners of the earth."


Then he made the earth round ...................and he laughed and
laughed and laughed!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

I went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some woman who was snoring and
farting.
So, I knew I made it home OK!

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"
She rolled over away from him.
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather
tersely.
Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded.
"Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"
"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a freaking microwave?"

Why are clams like women?
Because
When the red tide comes you don't eat them.

Bob was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said,
"It's actually really romantic."
"Oh, yeah?" responded Bob. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the
kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madam wouldn't
give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

The drinker announced to the bartender,
"It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'sexual matters' at my
company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses
on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to
suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts, and it was after that I
was told if they ever wanted my f*ckin' advice, they'd let me know."

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XX ADULT PUNS!

It was at a cocktail party, and the guy was getting nowhere with a really
stunning blonde.
Finally, he consulted the host, a buddy, about the situation, and the latter
thought a bit, then said,
"Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff
that she'll go to bed with you just like your wife."
"Hell, no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her that stiff."

Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous gal sitting by herself at the
bar,
So, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then, returning the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Harry replied,
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

Did you hear about the gay bear that laid his paw on the table?

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


Pick-Up Line:
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were
naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right',"
he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting
for 'Mr. Big'."

Men always pay more for car insurance
Because
Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving._,_.___

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XX Swimming lessons

A man was teaching a woman how to swim. After a long teaching ,
finally the woman said .

"Tell me frankly, will I really sink like a leaking boat if you take
your 'finger' out.???

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Little Johnny strikes again.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she
called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Noreen has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.............

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