I WILL SEEK AND FIND YOU
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU.
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE & SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN & GROAN.
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY, BEG FOR ME TO STOP.
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I AM FINISHED WITH YOU.
AND , WHEN I AM FINISHED, YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU.
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right Testicle, Turner Brown.
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big Guy kneels down and
brings him to by shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around'!
1. I'm confused, no wait... maybe not.
2. Despite the look on my face, you're still talking?
3. Don't take life so seriously. It isn't permanent.
4. Let me drop everything and work on YOUR problem!
5. Dyslexics Untie!
6. Embarrassing my children: Just one more service I offer.
7. HERE I AM. Now what are your other two wishes?
8. I'm not fluent in IDIOT, so please speak slowly and clearly.
9. Mess with me and you mess with the whole trailer park!
10. I never make mistakes. I thought I did once but I was wrong.
11. 333 - I'm only half evil.
12. I would do me.
13. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him,
is he STILL wrong?
14. To err is human. To blame someone else shows management potential.
15. Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.
16. I'm RETIRED... go around me.
17. I'm not an alcoholic (alcoholics go to meetings) - I'm a Drunk.
18. SQUIRRELS: Natures little speed bumps.
19. Can't feed 'em - Don't breed 'em.
20. Work Hard - Millions on welfare depend on it.
1. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
2. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
3. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
4. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone . . .
5. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
6. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
7. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
8. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
9. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
10. I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
11. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
12. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
13. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' till you can find a rock.
14. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
15. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
16. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
17. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
18. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
19. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
20. Do witches run spell checkers?
21. Demons are a Ghouls best friend.
22. Copywight 2006 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
23. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat.
24. Department of Redundancy Department.
25. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
26. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
27. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
28. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
29. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
30. Every morning is the dawn of a new error . . .
31. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
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Arthur sat brooding at his favorite bar. "Charley," he said to the bartender, "I'm a rat. I've got a lovely wife at home and instead of appreciating her, I've been out getting into trouble with another woman. But a guy can reform. I'm going home right now, Charley, and I'm going to tell her everything, beg her to forgive me, and start all over again as a model husband." Thereupon, Arthur paid his tab, went home, told his wife everything, and begged her to forgive him so he could start over. "I'll forgive you on one condition, Arthur," his wife said. "I want to know the name of the woman." But Arthur wouldn't tell. "Was it Susan Lopez?" she asked. "I see how she's always looking at you." "I can't tell you dear," he said. "I'll bet it was that Simpson bitch," the wife declared. "My lips are sealed," said the husband. "I know," exclaimed the wife, "its that slut Paula Higgins." The next day Arthur was again at the bar and Charley the bartender asked how he's made out with his good resolution of the night before. "Well, it's a mixed bag," said Arthur, "My wife didn't quite forgive me, but she did give me three pretty good new leads."
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. .
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin”
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up. Then, all the other bells started to ring….
Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes. After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it? "Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?" "Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie - I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you. "So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls. "Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! "He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President”.
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and the crew take you safely to your destination.". Ed, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female.". My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten.
"He's tattooed," she confided in a low voice, "in a very intimate place!"
"You mean-" gasped the beautiful nurse.
"Yes! Isn't that odd? There's actually a word tattooed there: "Swan.'"
"This I've got to see," exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten.
Half an hour later, she returned. "You were right," she said, "he is tattooed there. But the word is 'Saskatchewan'!"
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms. Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
A: Ten 1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed. 2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed. 3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb. 4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness. 5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb. 6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished." 7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark. 8. One to viciously smear #7.9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along. 10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country. See the light?
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a "tragedy." No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either".
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty.
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
Do not click on the second slide if you are a prude...
You gotta give it to the Germans – very creative indeed...
These billboard advertisements were printed on special paper, with special ink that reacts to moisture, i.e. rain.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this
package? "
The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "
Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March ..."
Need sound...
Do not click on the dot..click on the arrow at the bottom of the slide for specific instructions after putting your speakers on...
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and
starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little
bull.'
The kid is quiet for a few second then yells "If my dad was a Lion and my
mom a lioness I'd be a lion cub.
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my
dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little
elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and
yells at the kid,
''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Father : You want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father : "But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally
Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father : "But this young man is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one ..
That's right, you've been " elfed " . He who elfs last, elfs loudest!!!!
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French for how to fool men and....the voters..
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one
word is 'to be prepared'. " - George W. Bush
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future." - George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow. " George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - George W. Bush
" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe." - George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy." - George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." - George W. Bush
" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children." - George W. Bush
" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it. " - George W. Bush
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - George W. Bush
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is
Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start
again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Familiarity breeds attempt...
Ninety-two percent of the stuff told you in confidence, you
couldn't get anyone to listen to...
Life is like a box of chocolates - it disappears before you
get your share.
The more you have the more you spill.
When eating a buffalo, take one bite at a time.
My science text has a chapter explaining the formation of
water droplets: Dew Process
If at first you don't succeed you are running about average.
Life is the ultimate IQ test.
Another day, another zero.
Never wave to your friends at an auction.
The stupid people of the world band together for strength
against intelligence. Really. You just can't win.
When you illegally park in a disabled only parking spot, is it
because you think disabled people don't exist or that you
don't exist?
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."She replies, "If your penis is as hard as
your elbow, I'm in room 221."
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."The husband,
rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge tostick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong."What's wrong, Bill?"
she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicker?" 'Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here atthis breakfast table
together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.""Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old
times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table."You
know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.""I wouldn't be surprised,"
replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
But at the same time your fitness should not trouble others.
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THESE ARE NOT TOUGH! At first you'll think the C in the first group and the 6 in the second group are not there, but I assure you they are. The same with finding the N in the third group. Have fun.
This is NOT tough!
Can you find the C? (Good exercise for the eyes!)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Once you've found the C..........
Find the 6!
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you've found the 6...
Find the N! (it's hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
--
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
--
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Heard before still good ...
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $280,000,and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick
heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where
are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and
heardyou telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her telling
you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm
staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they
lived in Honolulu .
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had
to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of mutton She
didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted
up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with mutton legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't
know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breasts.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a
way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll page down.)
What were you thinking?
-
-
Helloooooooooo,
her husband speaks English!!
Now get back to work
Here is the publication of long year's of reserch on the dating habits of women around the World.
ENGLISH WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have s*x but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have s*x.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have s*x.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have s*x.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have s*x, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having s*x.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
SRI LANKAN WOMEN:
First date: Dinner, but no s*x
Second date: Dinner, and Kiss but no s*x
Third date: Dinner, and grope, but no s*x
Fourth date: S*x first, then Dinner
Fifth date: S*x first, Dinner optional
Sixth date: Parents object as one is Tamil the other Sinhalese
Seventh date: Couple elope, girl gets pregnant, parents reconcile and look afterchild.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have s*x in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, hertwo sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father'sgirlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and histhreekids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your lifeinyour home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along theTijuanastrip.
AUSTRALIAN WOMEN:
First date:She allows s*x but you are too drunk to perform
Second date:You find you are more attracted to her brother
Third date:Her brother and you move to Sydney
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
This is crude but extremely funny and well drafted.
If you are a prude please skip completely.
No intentions of upsetting anyone....
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, .................
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
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Interesting how a young mind works ..
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One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
(What were you thinking?)
*Break Into the House*
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
____________________________________________________________
*Lost Wife*
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out
of nowhere."
___________________________________________
*Teacher*
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself."
_______________________________________
*Hearing*
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit+
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
_______________________________________
*Wedding*
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day
of her life." Her mother tried to
explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, "So, why is the
groom wearing black?"
__________________________________________
*Dream*
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to
his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the
package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".
___________________________________________
*Laugh out Loud*
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked,
"Honey,if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said,"I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the
man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the women asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the
man replied, "No, she's left handed.
1 . Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"
2 . How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.
3. Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on
other so the man asked him why did he do so?
He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would
be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
4. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from
Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend .. He reached
there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to
return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he
didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally
reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him
"Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and
said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear
banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?"
5. Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!
6. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne
Flag Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
7. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes
to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
8. Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying .... When a
Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies
Yaar...!!!
9. Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said
"My MobileNo. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"
10. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, "
I LOVE U SISTER."
11. What is Common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.
12. Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab .
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.
Keep smilingg (Sardar ishtyle) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This link will take you to an 8 minute video of an amazing performance.
excuse the first 30 seconds of French intro if you don't understand. It
is really worth watching.
Enjoy
Need sound. Trust me. Really great
Click here
A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in
bed. She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up
from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to
jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been
released today"!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16 If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish
>and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
>each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
>usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their
>antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to
>EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of
>them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY
>women would be able to drag the chubby man in a red velvet suit all around
>the world in one night and not get lost...Ho Ho Ho....
Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Boston
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- New York
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- Italy
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
-
- SRI LANKA (welcome)
One hand on horn,
one hand holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on brake,
eyes on females in next car!
My dear son,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because i knw you cannot read fast.
We dont live where we did when you left home.Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I want to be able to send the address as the last Sardar who who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to
change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here and our address will remain the same too.
This place is really nice. it even has a washing machine situated right above the toilet im not sure it works too well.
Last week i put in 3 shirts, pulled the drain and havent seen them since.
The weather here isnt too bad.It rained only twice last week. the first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in
the pocket.
Your father has another job. he has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetry.
By the way i took bahu to our club's poolside.The manager is Badmash.He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club.
We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning.I havent found out weather it is a girl or a boy,so i dont know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well.Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
There isnt much more news this time.Nothing much has happened.
-love Amma.
p:s- ..........Singh, I was going to send you some money but by the time i realized, i had already sealed off this letter.
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in
my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you
have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors,"
said the man.
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However,
two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father," the man replied. "That's a great load off my mind.
But I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is incarcerated. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2002, the penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00
8 - 10" Privilege Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Pole Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under Capital Gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a Refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months, or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered:
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here, or take them with us?' Well, I just panicked!"
Three Old Men
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the woman to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
1. A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but
A WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS
are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication:
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell a Woman
4. Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE.
4. A man got 2 wishes from GOD.
He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC
5. Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE?
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.
6. Why does the Government NOT allow a Man to MARRY two Women. Because the
Constitutionsays that you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Blonde: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs".
Man: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Blonde: "No, they open".
"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS:
• "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."
• "But here is the sad part — before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."
• "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
• "The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."
__
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC:
• "Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.
• "That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."
• "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"
Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"
___
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central:
• "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
• "Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted — it's just not worth it."
___
"Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS:
• "He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right."
• "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.' "
• "The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."
"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that
her hair smells nice.The woman immediately goes into her
supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a
sexual harassment suit and explains what happened.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's
wrong with a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administraiton; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was........... God,
I
miss him!".........
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government.......This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
screwed."
A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the
third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third
grade too."
Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While
Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to
the first grade and behave. She agreed Johnny was brought in and the
conditions
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade
should know. The principal
looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and
delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."
Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat
and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send
Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it! ?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
10. Women ( mostly) calling and expecting you to recognize their voices - and god forbid if you identify someone else ...Oh so you like her more than me Huh. Lady. Give your bloody name when you call.
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy .
. you just hoped nobody ever found out!
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut
off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow
inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think
it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a
phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get
any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information vital to the survival of the species. Some people
still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but
most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you
into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge"
- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in reply
"A sheep in sheep's clothing."
- Winston Churchill, on Clement Atlee
"There but for the grace of God, goes God."
- Winston Churchill, on Stafford Cripps
"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened."
- Winston Churchill, on Stanley Baldwin
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman.
"I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable,
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice,"the woman replies. "I have a
still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean," he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that'll teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this! - they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got
out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me
and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy"
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man replied, '150.' So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, atomic chemistry, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'
The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about Cricket, Teledramas, and so on.
The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'
The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.'
The robot then said, 'So, you going to vote for the Dems again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her doctor for advice . . .
. .. . She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think Democratic politicians come from?"
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on!!!!
"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London Pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."
"Sir" the Englishman patiently replied, "Wiklinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."
"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," The Texan retorted.
"I assure you they are very good sir." The peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle-and I still got 10 shaves out of it."
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden
the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day - I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
