Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

The Mother Superior pled,
"You ought to be chaste till you're wed.
You should try flagellation
To end your frustration.
It works great, on the hole, so it's said.


68 is the maximum speed for blonds,
Because
At 69 they blow a rod.

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and said,
"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get
it over with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

When Cinderella got to the ball,
She gagged!

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey
sitting by herself at the bar,
So, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said,
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
Honest Harry replied:
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

Hear about the new movie featuring a woman who uses a wooden vibrator?
It is called,
"Love is a many splintered thing."

I was teaching a science lesson on ecosystems last week to my 5th-grade class.
We had filled a bottle with gravel and soil and divided the bottle
into 4 equal sections where we would be planting grass seed, mustard
seed, and alfalfa seed.
The last section would be filled with decomposers.
Then the sections were labeled with the first letter of the type of
seed that would be planted there.
"Okay, is everyone ready for the next set of instructions?"
And they were.
My next instruction sent the 5 adults in the room, one of whom was a
parent visiting for the afternoon, into a fit of giggles.
"Find your cup with the grass seed and then find your g-spot and put
the grass seed in the hole you made. Gently cover the seeds and do not
push down on the soil."
I didn't realize what I had said until the rest of the adults were
giggling uncontrollably, and the kids were looking around to see what
was so funny!

You know a blonde is having a bad day when;
A tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist?
Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

A schoolboy who messes around with a school girl during her period is,
Usually caught red-handed.

One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her
sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and stated,
"Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and
now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued,
"Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's
forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will
sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back
yelled out in a clear voice,
"That's right momma, f*ck 'em all."

Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?
His name was Rumpled Foreskin.

There was a young boy called Taylor
Who seduced a respectable sailor.
When they put him in jail
He settled the bail
By doing the same to the jailer.