Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

An innocent maiden from Maine
Declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain he had lain.

Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.

There's a new club in L.A. Called Club Curves, it's a club that caters
to plus size women.
It is a great idea because there are a lot of beautiful, big girls out
there; a lot of guys like the plus sized women.
This is a place where they can go, meet a beautiful woman, get a
drink, and chew the fat!

Doctor:
"How long have you been suffering from premature ejaculation?"
Patient:
"Ever since I was a little squirt."

Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if
we ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our
testicles.
We answered that it was possible that we had.
You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused.
She then asked,
"What do you do about it?"
We said in unison,
"Nothing, why?"
She then say,
"You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"
We said no way!
She then states,
"You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"
We both said yes.
At which time she says,
"I'm going to kill my husband."

Viagra Chapstik, one way to keep a stiff upper lip!

A company now takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and
compresses the carbon into a blue diamond?
This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "family jewels."

My wife was upset when she found out, after all these years of me
telling her otherwise, that the song is not titled 'O Cum All Ye
Faceful.'

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks,
"How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies,
"Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks,
"What's that supposed to mean?"
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back!"

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed.
So, I said,
"Get off me, you two!"

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work.
The Abbot hires him, but tells him to clean all the windows except the
top three.
So, the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for
years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him.
He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in.
He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table
with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in.
There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window.
He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is
waiting for him.
The window cleaner says,
"Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what
is going on up there."
"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to
see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky
monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese
in his foreskin."

A guy yells at his friend,
"You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. You're going to pay for
what you did."
"Bull," replies the other one. "Why should I pay twice."