Fwd: Adult Puns

XXXX ADULT PUNS

A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.


When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living
room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer, and me on the
couch having done nothing, but drink beer and watch football all day,
she yelled,
"Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I
don't want to do!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blow job out of this!"

What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?
The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen.

A man asked his neighbour how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbour replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties
and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers,
So, one day at the office he asked:
"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you
wear them out?"
"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put
them back on again!"

Michael Jackson's favourite poet?
Emily Dick-in-son

"I'll tell you," smiled prom chairman Mose,
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose:
She's as cheerfully free
As the wind on the sea
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"

A mental patient suffering from an acute case of split personality
appealed to his psychiatrist for advice.
"Oh, I'm so lonely and miserable, Doctor," he wailed. "Isn't there
anything you can do for me? When I get into one of my depressed moods
I could just hang myself."
"You'll have to make an effort to re-adjust yourself to the world
about you," he advised. "Do you have any lady friends?"
The patient shook his head.
"Perhaps that is the trouble. Why don't you find a nice young lady
whom you could love?"
The patient brooded for a while in silence.
"Well?" prompted the analyst.
"Love?" mused the unhappy man.
"That's right."
"Look, Doc," he snapped, "Between you and me, don't you think love is silly?"
"Between you and me," answered the doctor, "it would be ridiculous!"

Many women have trouble working for a woman boss.
They are used to having a man above them.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to
Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go
to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob,
"So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says,
"This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Sex is a lot like doing laundry,
If you have a small load,
Do it by hand!

When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental
health clinic, I just shrug it off.
But when they tell me I'm f*ckin' nuts, I have to smile, because then
I know they understand.

I may be constipated,
But
Quite frankly,
I don't give a shit.

Last night, I shaved off all my hair.
No, not on my head, but 'down there.'
When faced with the sight,
My hubby took flight.
My bald patch was too bare to bear.