Fwd: Adult Puns

XXXX ADULT PUNS

A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue stick for pool.

What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked
"What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his
Neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.
"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've already let a fortune slip
through my fingers!"

Father to his six-year-old-son:
'Words are very important. When you talk to your Neighbours, just say
your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her, "The happy hooker!"

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class,
"Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.
No one knows.
Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for
foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask.
Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says,
"Yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely.
"Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you
explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'That's
lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation?
"Go F'ck Yourself."

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a
tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen, -- the works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the
new "body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem
that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and
this face, I get new bones quite often!"

What does a 85-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends

With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic
show and rushes down to the big-top.
He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but
manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent.
"Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.
The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up
his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back
to see the show.
He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.
"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a
magic show and that's what I expect!"
Visually annoyed, the magician tells him,
"Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife
and kids."
With that, the customer becomes more irate and demands that he be
shown at least one magic trick.
"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."
The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.
"Now bend over and grab your ankles."
As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches.
"There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"
The man winces and replies,
"Yeah."
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his
fingers in front of his face and shouts,
"At-Dah."

It used to bother me when people called me a pussy.
But the joke's on them.
After all, "You are what you eat!"

In biology class the teacher asks,
"Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Little Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents
about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude
from its head?"
Again, Little Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it,
and his eyes popped out in shock."

Striptease Dancers:
Girls with appeal.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as
possible.

When you cross a rooster and a telephone pole,
you get a 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

A worried young man from Stamboul,
Found lots of red spots on his tool,
Said the doctor a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic!"
Just wipe off the lipstick you fool!"