Fwd: Adult Puns

ADULT PUNS

A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. 'Twas unwise,
For he couldn't arise.
So, she graded his work "Incomplete."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says,
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them.
"She's 5'10", 120#'s 38DD-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!"
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a
breathless whisper says,
"It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!

"Is that Hortense?"
"Nah! She looks relaxed to me."

I called my 7-year old son to dinner last night, telling him that it
was almost ready.
"Just a sec," he said.
Five minutes passed.
"Dinnertime," I told him.
"Just a sec," he said.
"No more," I told him. "I warned you a few minutes ago."
Silence, as he continued working on whatever project he was working on.
I reached over and took it away from him.
"No more secs means NO MORE SECS."
As I spoke the words, I realized I sounded just like my wife.
Then there was the boastful Blonde who bragged that her husband had
never found a stranger in her closet. --
They were all his friends.

The truth revealed at last:
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at
the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a
replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told
that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his
finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of
Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good
chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to
excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,
scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was
so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the
bathroom.
He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out
from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that
he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around
his knees.
The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to
pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the
President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:
RESTROOMS TO THE LEFT. PLEASE WAIT FOR HOSTESS TO SEAT YOU.

Officer O'Leary is on the lookout for trouble.
He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet
convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot.
The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks,
"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides, we
were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed, so we're
still waiting."



The worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid is,
"No, she's not."

The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my
husband in line?"
The counselor scowled.
"Young lady," he said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"

Have you heard about the football coach whose penis was so big that
the weight caused his legs to buckle?
His name was Root Knock-knee.