Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

She slowly removes her hair clips
And sensuously gyrates and strips,
Yet causes him worry;
If she doesn't hurry,
He'll finish before he unzips.


Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants

Breakfast was a very late affair that day and the husband and wife
were fragile indeed -- badly hung over from a particularly wild party
the night before.
Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee,
our hero said to his wife,
"Was it you I had sex with in the garden last night?"
She struggled to bring him into focus.
"About what time?" she replied.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

A man woke up the one morning feeling horny, and asked his girlfriend
for a shag, but she said she wasn't in the mood.
So, he got up, got dressed, and went downstairs and cooked breakfast
for them both.
He ate his, and then took hers up to the bedroom so she could have
breakfast in bed.
He was still feeling horny, and so, after she'd finished her
breakfast, he asked again for a shag.
She said she was still not in the mood.
So, he decided to go out to the newsagent and buy that day's newspaper.
When he got back he found her still in bed, but with her arms and legs
tied up to the bedpost.
So, thinking that she'd changed her mind, and fancied some bondage
fun, he got undressed again, and proceeded to climb into bed for some
action.
She asked him what did he think he was doing, and he told her that as
she was tied up, he thought she'd changed her mind.
She said
"You daft bastard! - While you were out, we were robbed!"

John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says,
"This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John says,
"Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
She says,
"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the
way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good
sport."
John says,
"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan says, "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John says,
"Say, you ARE a good sport."

The bride tells her husband,
"Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can
you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place
'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do
is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the
first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling
with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner
seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles.
"Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes,
but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love,
gives him a suggestive smile,
"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a
recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says,
"Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her,
"Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water'.
One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation
will join in.

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was
walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her
skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled
The woman snaps at him,
"Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly replies,
"And I kin see you ain't one, neither!"

A woman put her husband's ashes in her breast implants.
Geeze!
I wonder how many guys at that funeral asked to see the body?

A woman was perched on the floor.
She threw down her sponge and she swore,
And yelled at her gent,
"That is not what I meant,
When I told you to use the back door!"