Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

A shepherd who needed a doc
But instead had a beer, a bock,
Then enjoyed some hard booze,
Fell in love with the ewes,
Rambunctiously tended his flock.


You remind me of a championship bass,
I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning.
When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said,
"I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."
His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.
Little Johnny replied,
"I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom.
When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'Should I swallow it or
let it fly!'"

A Yankee is the same as a quickie,
But
A guy can do it alone.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your
rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while
not in use.
Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no
kinks or any wear.
Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that
there's plenty of shot in your bag.

The gay man told the census taker, "I was born in Chicago but reared
in San Francisco."

Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy
got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.
Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town.
On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, fire trucks, the whole bit.
He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man
Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! And everything!"
Little Johnny looks up and says,
"Yeah, I know, I heard about it ten minutes ago on the news on my radio."
Willy scowls and jealously mutters,
"You and your f*ckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.
In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever!
Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank
had been robbed.
He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even
completely in the door,
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"
Little Johnny dryly interrupts with,
"The bank was robbed?"
Willy scowls and storms off, muttering,
"You and your f*ckn' radio!"
Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the
countryside on the other side.
A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck
in a fence.
He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down
and gives it to the porker.
Then he races as fast as he could all the way home.
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual
experience!"
Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave,
"Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"
"You and your f*ckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.

The difference between a blonde and an ironing board is;
it's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with
his dad. He had a smile on his face.
"It must be true love, dad" he sighed.
"What makes you think that it is true love?" asks his dad.
"Well," says Little Johnny, "Suzy started out giving me the best blow
job I've ever had."
"Nah," replied his dad, "that's not true love, it is just lust."
The next night, Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down
again to talk with his dad.
"For sure it is true love, dad." he said.
"What makes you think that it is true love this time?" asks his dad.
"Well," says Little Johnny, "Tonight, Suzy gave me the best blow job
of my life, then let me take her up the ass!"
"That's not true love, Johnny," replied his dad, "that is just infatuation."
"'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true
love?'" asked Little Johnny, confused.
"Well," says his dad, "if it was true love, she would let you f*ck her
up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!"

Menstruation:
A bloody waste of f*ckin' time.

Three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear,
Both are hot,
Both look better while going down, and
Both disappear at night.

The first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons is;
You can also sit upright in a car.

There was a young lady from Brewster,
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin,
And my finger slipped in,
And it still just don't smell like it used ter