Fwd: Adult Puns

XXX ADULT PUNS

Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favourite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.

Tomorrow is National Orgasm Day.
Are you coming?

In December of 1830, it was a cold mid-winter.
President Chester A. Arthur was visiting his home in Vermont.
The weather was frigid and he thought he would warm up the house.
He loaded the fireplace with logs and lit them.
Soon the flames filled the room with warming heat.
As the logs burned and the flames ebbed, he went to the hearth to stir
up the ashes so he could add some more wood to keep the room warm.
As he poked the glowing ashes, an ember suddenly flew out and landed
on the front of his pants.
They started to burn and he quickly tore them off.
Unfortunately, while his pants were burning, his crotch area was seared.
Many years later, at an affair to recall this historic and tragic
event, Mel Torme sang, "Chet's nuts roasting from an open fire." )

You know a woman is having a bad day,
If a tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Judy runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judy.
"He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid
came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god," shrieks Carol.
"Did it chop off his whole finger!?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Judy. "But it was the one just next to it!"

A blonde is like railroad tracks.
She's been laid all over the country.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running
late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how
it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived.
"You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between
depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of
town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you
anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a
long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each
of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved
each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
married."
The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father," Cheap ones too.

Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex,
But
My wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it.

A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and she
was very nervous about it.
The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he
started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.
He asked,
"Do you know how they make these gloves?"
The woman shook her head.
The doctor explained,
"In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with
different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge
tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and
do it again."
The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.
So, he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk.
So,he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed, she burst out laughing and
he had to stop in case she'd choke.
He asked,
"What's wrong?"
She just laughed and said,
"If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."

What does a wife and a swimming pool have in common?
The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following
an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "
I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, waived off this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied,
"You guys ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a
golf course."

In the great Mary Ann/Ginger debate, I have to go with Lovie Howell.
Not only is she loaded
But
Probably, the only one on the island who thought to bring along a douche.

There was a young lady called Valerie
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
"If you lose half your bust,
Then you're worth only half of your salary."