XX - Topical - Clinton Jokes - some are bawdy

One sunny day in 2008, an elderly man approached the
White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd
been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine
standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President
and doesn't reside here."
The elderly man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White
House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go
in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday,
Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away. The third
day, the same man approached the White House and spoke
to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day
in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs.
Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
Don't you understand?"
The elderly man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I
just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"See you tomorrow, sir!".


Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much
of her personality shines through, that in the end, you,
too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary
details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in
love with him, getting married, and living a passionate,
wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two,
the trouble starts." - Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an
affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping
for air. '' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York,
announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running
for office of the President of the United States. Her
husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is
crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment!
family." - David Letterman
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman
in America. Women admire her because she's strong and
successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband
to cheat and get away with It." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state
of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton
family Bible.... the one with only seven Commandments."
- David Letterman



Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a
recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight
attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought
and placed before him. The attendant then asked the
minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be
savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch
these lips!"
The President quickly handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was
a choice... I'll have the same thing he's having."


"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her.
I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks,
because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin
flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady,
Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little
older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not
for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be
married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid
FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up
a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff,
paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an
upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval
Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't
know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me
anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your
other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he
could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him
who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole
time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before
that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
'plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to
San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And
John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't
hang around long enough for America to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a
dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings
me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White
House, government is doing more for less. The budget is
balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job
as a night watchman. The stock market is higher than a
D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a
degree from a junior college who can spell "Internet" has
enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his
boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it
with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support,
not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a
hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what
kind of life you're living before you get too interested in
where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.


Early Christmas morning, Billy and Hillary(ous) get up and
look out their big picture window at the snow covered lawn
of the white house. But, much to the Prez's surprise,
somebody has written in the snow with urine. They rush
out to find that it says, in rather large letters, "BILL
SUCKS!".
Bill was really upset because the security was suppose to
be air tight around the White House, so, he got his Security
Chief to come & see him. "I want you to find out who did
it within one week." A week went by and the White House
Security Chief came to see Bill. "Sir, I have good news and
bad news for you regarding the writings on the snow covered
lawn." Bill told him to give him the good news first.
"Well my President, the good news is that we have found out
it was Al Gore out there on the lawn that night and it was
his piss that made the writing, sir!"
Clinton said, "But, he is my vice-President! Why would he
do that? and what's the bad news??" The Security Chief said,
"Well Sir, Mr. Gore did not do it... it was only his piss.
The bad news is that it was Hillary Clinton, the First
Lady's hand writing, Sir!!"


President Clinton and his body guards were in the cool down
phase after having jogged five miles. Clinton said, "Boy,
I can't wait to get back to the White House! I'm going right
upstairs to rip off Hillary's panties."
"Oh," leered one of the secret service men, "jogging make
you horny, huh, Mr. President?"
"No, jogging makes them ride up my crack!"

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled
upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-
and-behold a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked
if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant down-
sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce
global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...
what'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm good but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really
don't like my wife. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes
me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in
the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I
want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map
again."

For every Dick Johnson and Harry Johnson and Magic Johnson
and Dick Hare and Dick Long and Dick Strong out there who's
tired of all the cheap jokes about his name, I recommend a
new slang term for the male organ and his buddies...
A name inspired by a great American president.
A guy who clearly gets around.
He loves da nightlife. He gotsta boogie.
So, forget dick.
Forget willy.
Forget johnson.
From now on, it's a "Clinton." That's right, a "Clinton."
For short, you can call him "Clint."
And instead of "Jim and the Twins," it's "Clinton and the
Little Rocks."


While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp
David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their
pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple
of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of
it's cage.
The housekeeper knew the first family would be devastated
at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to
find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store
in Washington.
After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across
an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased
the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had
previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several
years in a house of ill-repute.
The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and
she took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clinton's return to the White House,
Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too
young."
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird
responded with, "Too old."
Late that afternoon the President entered the room and
the bird said, "HI, BILL!"


16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring
to Madelaine Albright by name.
15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak
out for a midnight run to McDonald's.
14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time
he hears "Bad boy."
13. President is no longer the only one accused of burying
his bone in someone else's yard.
12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no
longer automatically implicates the President.
10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
9. Obviously miffed, Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note
reading "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer
make Hillary suspicious.
7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily
to-do list.
5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the
Rose Garden.
4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno
burst into tears at State dinners.
3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, the dog is still
unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers
exclusively to the President.
and the Number 1 Change at the White House,
now that the Clintons have a Puppy...
1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom
now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.

Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for
the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter
and pressed her for information about college. "So, are
you enjoying college, dear?" she asked. Chelsea nodded
vigorously.
"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned. Once
again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's
activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with
these boys?"
Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened,
stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."


You've got to love New Yorkers!
A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special
on what they were calling the "Hillary Special" - two small
breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings!

Clinton is returning to Washington after a trip, and as he
walks down the steps of Air Force One, he is leading a small
dog on a leash. The Marine at the bottom of the steps snaps
a smart salute.
Marine: "Welcome back home, Mr. President."
Clinton: "Thank you. It's good to be back."
Marine: "Nice dog, sir."
Clinton: "Thanks. I got it for Hillary."
Marine: "Good trade, sir."

Bill & HIllary are at the first baseball game of the season...
opening day!!! Suddenly and very unexpectedly, (and before
the game had gotten started) Clinton grabs Hillary by the
collar and throws her over the side and onto the field.
The audience at the game as well as on the television
stations, was shocked. Equally stunned was the home plate
umpire, leaning over to help Hillary get on her feet, and he
shouted, "No, Mr. President!" I said, Throw the first "pitch" !"

One day the Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having
a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting.
Bill Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know,
we're such good friends, why don't we swap for one night and
make the sex more exciting ?"
They all think it's a great idea, and they head off to their
bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary from the next
room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He starts to get
a little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what Hillary could be
getting that makes her that happy ?"
Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper
must be really hot tonight!"
Paul McCartney says it's wrong to make criminals out of people
who smoke pot. The problem is, pot is a gateway drug. One
day you're not inhaling, the next day you're not violating
campaign finance laws.
Clinton's new nickname? The Unabanger.
What's the new name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.
What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader.
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
He just bends over the pages!

Should we rename it THE ORAL OFFICE?
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
Monica, Monica,
I told you to lick my erection,
Not wreck my election.
Monica, Monica,
I told you to lie in a different position,
Not lie in a deposition.
Did you hear Yasir Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
Sheep don't talk.
Know what the latest game-craze in Washington is?
Swallow the leader
Irrelvant fact #1: Monica Lewinski was in the same
2nd grade class as Tori Spelling of 90210 fame.
Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of
ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him
and wondering what he was doing now. After about an hour
one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with
the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied,
"It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."



A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and
scarf and says,
"I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and
came right away, but what could I possibly do to save the
country?"
Mrs. Clinton: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit."



According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have
sex as often as 100 times a day. In fact, at 103 times a
day, the other animals stop calling him "King of the Jungle"
and start calling him "President of the United States."

I was thinking what a wonderful country America is! Only in
America can a foreign diplomat claim diplomatic immunity
for charges of vehicular manslaughter, but our own President
cannot claim executive privilege for a blow job!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
In the year 2000 we will all remember Mr. Clinton
as "The President who followed Bush"
Did you hear that the FBI is having problems with the stains
on Monica's dress? It seems that everybody in Arkansas has
the same DNA.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production
in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river
and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon
a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After
I'm elected...'"
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and
be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking
Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane
as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's
finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe

Siskel and Ebert gave Clinton's video taped testimony two cigars up!
What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
Put a tiny weenie into real hot water.
I'm glad I'm not President of the United States, because then
I would be limited to having sex with pretty much whoever shows
up in my office.
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
In New York, a Democratic bumper sticker saying, "Run Hillary,
Run" has appeared. Republicans are putting it on their FRONT
bumper.
Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A: The nation.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a
dishonest lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why did all the homosexuals vote for Bill Clinton in the
last election?
A: Because they like assholes better than Bush.
Q: How come Clinton doesn't catch colds?
A: He knows how to avoid the draft.
Q: What's the difference between Bob Dole and Hillary Clinton?
A: Dole always wants to screw the president.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the cow's eyes.
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wears underwear?
A: To keep his ankles warm.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's
sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: What's furry, green, and smells like pussy?
A: The pool table in the Oval Office.