Nominated as best short joke this year......
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath ..
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
See how much U know
1. What programming language is GOOGLE developed in?
2. What is the expansion of YAHOO?
3. What is the expansion of ADIDAS?
4. Expansion of Star as in Star TV Network?
5. What is expansion of "ICICI?"
6. What does "baker's dozen" signify?
7. The 1984-85 season. 2nd ODI between India and Pakistan at Sialkot -
India 210/3 with
Vengsarkar 94*. Match abandoned. Why?
8. Who is the only man to have written the National Anthems for two
different countries?
9. From what four word expression does the word `goodbye` derive?
10. How was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
11. Name the only other country to have got independence on Aug 15th?
12. Why was James Bond Associated with the Number 007?
13. Who faced the first ball in the first ever One day match?
14. Which cricketer played for South Africa before it was banned from
international
cricket and later represented Zimbabwe ?
15. The faces of which four Presidents are carved at Mt.Rushmore?
16. Which is the only country that is surrounded from all sides by
only one country
(other than Vatican )?
17. Which is the only sport which is not allowed to play left handed?
HERE ARE THE ANSWERS
1. Google is written in Asynchronous java-script and XML, or its acronym Ajax ..
2. Yet Another Hierarchy of Officious Oracle
3. ADIDAS- All Day I Dream About Sports
4. Satellite Television Asian Region
5. Industrial credit and Investments Corporation of India
6. A baker's dozen consists of 13 items - 1 more than the items in a
normal dozen
7. That match was abandoned after people heard the news of Indira
Gandhi being killed.
8. Rabindranath Tagore who wrote national anthem for two different
countries one is Indian
's National anthem and another one is for Bangladesh- (Amar Sonar* *Bangla)
9. Goodbye comes from the ex-pression: 'god be with you'.
10. Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu is none other Mother Teresa.
11. South Korea ..
12. Because 007 is the ISD code for Russia (or the USSR , as it was
known during the cold war)
13. Geoffrey Boycott
14. John Traicos
15. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln
16. Lesotho surrounded from all sides by South Africa ..
17. Polo.
Medicine
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of
medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.
The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said:Viagra
Johnny. What is it used for?
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this?
Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
'take a Viagra, may be that little shit will get harder'
"ONE OF THE BEST" for 2008 - in my all time top 20 - Enjoy!
1. Your birth certificate is an 'apology letter' from
the condom factory.
2. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck
or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose?
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for
sex, she objects!
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying
"No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they
are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the
best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life:
Tri - weekly, Try - weekly, and Try - weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not a dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the
dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep
with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.
14. A couple 'just married' were happy with the
whole thing. He was happy with the hole and she
was happy with the Thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in
a man's life?
A: Life sucks, B: job sucks
and C:, the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes!!!
17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles
to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!!!
Barrel of Oil Hits $120!
Reality of the situation!
I went to the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of
gas.............
The pump attendant farted and gave me receipt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stock market definitions!
What the stock market really means!
Bull market: a random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
Bear market: a six- to eight-month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum investing: the fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value investing: the art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio: the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
Broker: poorer than you were last year.
Buy, Buy: a flight attendant making market recommendations as you step
off the plane.
Standard and Poor (S&P): your life in a nutshell.
Stock analyst: idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split: when your former wife and her lawyer split all your
assets equally between themselves.
Market correction: the day after you buy stocks.
Cash flow: the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Institutional investor: past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.
EBITDA : earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.
EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: chief fraud officer.
EPS: eventual prison sentence
Monday, April 28, 2008
Hourglass
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch
for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?'
The guy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'
The guy smiles, taps his watch and says,........ 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Woman of my dreams
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
THE CAVE (DO NOT DISTRIBUTE OUTSIDE THE ORGANISATION)
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but weve really
come together as a group and I love that. However, while we continue
to fight a Jihad in this New Year, we cant forget to take care of the
cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.
First. While its good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should
be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid
excessive dust inhalation, a health and safety issue so we need to
sweep the cave daily. Ive done my bit on the cleaning rota have you?
Ive posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area next to the
halal toaster.
Second. Its not often I make a video address but when I do, Im trying
to scare the s**t out of most of the worlds population, okay? That
means that while we are taping, please do not ride your scooter in the
background or keep doing the Wassup thing. Thanks.
Third. Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote Ossy
on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea
slices were gone. Consideration. Thats all Im saying.
Fourth. Im not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
ourselves from the Infidels bat and ball games. Please do not chant
Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five. Graffiti. Whoever wrote OSAMA F***S DONKEYS on the group toilet
wall. Its a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving
myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six. The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam , the old excuse
that the chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the
edge of the mountain will not be accepted in future, with donkeys,
there is a grey area.
Finally. Weve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise
trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for
them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug. Os.
PS Im sick of having Osama Bed Linen scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut
it out, its not funny anymore.
Raped...
Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute (wiping away her tears): 'When the check bounced.'
Friday, April 25, 2008
MARRIAGE AT A GLANCE
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,
Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
From a McCain supporter on The Difference
John McCain and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street and came to
a homeless person. The Republican, John McCain, gave him his business
card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out
of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
Hillary was impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she
stepped forward to help. She gave him directions to the welfare office,
then reached into McCain's pocket and got out another $20. She kept $15
for administrative costs and gave the homeless person $5.
Now, I understand the difference!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Irish Humor
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons.'
'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want
to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
XX - Topical - Clinton Jokes - some are bawdy
One sunny day in 2008, an elderly man approached the
White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd
been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine
standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President
and doesn't reside here."
The elderly man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White
House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go
in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday,
Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away. The third
day, the same man approached the White House and spoke
to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day
in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs.
Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
Don't you understand?"
The elderly man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I
just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"See you tomorrow, sir!".
Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much
of her personality shines through, that in the end, you,
too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary
details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in
love with him, getting married, and living a passionate,
wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two,
the trouble starts." - Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an
affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping
for air. '' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York,
announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running
for office of the President of the United States. Her
husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is
crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment!
family." - David Letterman
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman
in America. Women admire her because she's strong and
successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband
to cheat and get away with It." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state
of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton
family Bible.... the one with only seven Commandments."
- David Letterman
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a
recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight
attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought
and placed before him. The attendant then asked the
minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be
savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch
these lips!"
The President quickly handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was
a choice... I'll have the same thing he's having."
"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her.
I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks,
because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin
flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady,
Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little
older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not
for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be
married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid
FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up
a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff,
paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an
upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval
Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't
know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me
anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your
other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he
could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him
who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole
time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before
that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
'plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to
San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And
John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't
hang around long enough for America to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a
dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings
me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White
House, government is doing more for less. The budget is
balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job
as a night watchman. The stock market is higher than a
D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a
degree from a junior college who can spell "Internet" has
enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his
boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it
with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support,
not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a
hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what
kind of life you're living before you get too interested in
where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Early Christmas morning, Billy and Hillary(ous) get up and
look out their big picture window at the snow covered lawn
of the white house. But, much to the Prez's surprise,
somebody has written in the snow with urine. They rush
out to find that it says, in rather large letters, "BILL
SUCKS!".
Bill was really upset because the security was suppose to
be air tight around the White House, so, he got his Security
Chief to come & see him. "I want you to find out who did
it within one week." A week went by and the White House
Security Chief came to see Bill. "Sir, I have good news and
bad news for you regarding the writings on the snow covered
lawn." Bill told him to give him the good news first.
"Well my President, the good news is that we have found out
it was Al Gore out there on the lawn that night and it was
his piss that made the writing, sir!"
Clinton said, "But, he is my vice-President! Why would he
do that? and what's the bad news??" The Security Chief said,
"Well Sir, Mr. Gore did not do it... it was only his piss.
The bad news is that it was Hillary Clinton, the First
Lady's hand writing, Sir!!"
President Clinton and his body guards were in the cool down
phase after having jogged five miles. Clinton said, "Boy,
I can't wait to get back to the White House! I'm going right
upstairs to rip off Hillary's panties."
"Oh," leered one of the secret service men, "jogging make
you horny, huh, Mr. President?"
"No, jogging makes them ride up my crack!"
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled
upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-
and-behold a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked
if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant down-
sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce
global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...
what'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm good but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really
don't like my wife. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes
me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in
the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I
want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map
again."
For every Dick Johnson and Harry Johnson and Magic Johnson
and Dick Hare and Dick Long and Dick Strong out there who's
tired of all the cheap jokes about his name, I recommend a
new slang term for the male organ and his buddies...
A name inspired by a great American president.
A guy who clearly gets around.
He loves da nightlife. He gotsta boogie.
So, forget dick.
Forget willy.
Forget johnson.
From now on, it's a "Clinton." That's right, a "Clinton."
For short, you can call him "Clint."
And instead of "Jim and the Twins," it's "Clinton and the
Little Rocks."
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp
David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their
pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple
of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of
it's cage.
The housekeeper knew the first family would be devastated
at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to
find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store
in Washington.
After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across
an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased
the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had
previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several
years in a house of ill-repute.
The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and
she took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clinton's return to the White House,
Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too
young."
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird
responded with, "Too old."
Late that afternoon the President entered the room and
the bird said, "HI, BILL!"
16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring
to Madelaine Albright by name.
15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak
out for a midnight run to McDonald's.
14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time
he hears "Bad boy."
13. President is no longer the only one accused of burying
his bone in someone else's yard.
12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no
longer automatically implicates the President.
10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
9. Obviously miffed, Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note
reading "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer
make Hillary suspicious.
7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily
to-do list.
5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the
Rose Garden.
4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno
burst into tears at State dinners.
3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, the dog is still
unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers
exclusively to the President.
and the Number 1 Change at the White House,
now that the Clintons have a Puppy...
1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom
now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.
Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for
the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter
and pressed her for information about college. "So, are
you enjoying college, dear?" she asked. Chelsea nodded
vigorously.
"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned. Once
again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's
activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with
these boys?"
Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened,
stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."
You've got to love New Yorkers!
A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special
on what they were calling the "Hillary Special" - two small
breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings!
Clinton is returning to Washington after a trip, and as he
walks down the steps of Air Force One, he is leading a small
dog on a leash. The Marine at the bottom of the steps snaps
a smart salute.
Marine: "Welcome back home, Mr. President."
Clinton: "Thank you. It's good to be back."
Marine: "Nice dog, sir."
Clinton: "Thanks. I got it for Hillary."
Marine: "Good trade, sir."
Bill & HIllary are at the first baseball game of the season...
opening day!!! Suddenly and very unexpectedly, (and before
the game had gotten started) Clinton grabs Hillary by the
collar and throws her over the side and onto the field.
The audience at the game as well as on the television
stations, was shocked. Equally stunned was the home plate
umpire, leaning over to help Hillary get on her feet, and he
shouted, "No, Mr. President!" I said, Throw the first "pitch" !"
One day the Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having
a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting.
Bill Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know,
we're such good friends, why don't we swap for one night and
make the sex more exciting ?"
They all think it's a great idea, and they head off to their
bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary from the next
room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He starts to get
a little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what Hillary could be
getting that makes her that happy ?"
Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper
must be really hot tonight!"
Paul McCartney says it's wrong to make criminals out of people
who smoke pot. The problem is, pot is a gateway drug. One
day you're not inhaling, the next day you're not violating
campaign finance laws.
Clinton's new nickname? The Unabanger.
What's the new name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.
What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader.
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
He just bends over the pages!
Should we rename it THE ORAL OFFICE?
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
Monica, Monica,
I told you to lick my erection,
Not wreck my election.
Monica, Monica,
I told you to lie in a different position,
Not lie in a deposition.
Did you hear Yasir Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
Sheep don't talk.
Know what the latest game-craze in Washington is?
Swallow the leader
Irrelvant fact #1: Monica Lewinski was in the same
2nd grade class as Tori Spelling of 90210 fame.
Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of
ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him
and wondering what he was doing now. After about an hour
one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with
the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied,
"It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."
A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and
scarf and says,
"I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and
came right away, but what could I possibly do to save the
country?"
Mrs. Clinton: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit."
According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have
sex as often as 100 times a day. In fact, at 103 times a
day, the other animals stop calling him "King of the Jungle"
and start calling him "President of the United States."
I was thinking what a wonderful country America is! Only in
America can a foreign diplomat claim diplomatic immunity
for charges of vehicular manslaughter, but our own President
cannot claim executive privilege for a blow job!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
In the year 2000 we will all remember Mr. Clinton
as "The President who followed Bush"
Did you hear that the FBI is having problems with the stains
on Monica's dress? It seems that everybody in Arkansas has
the same DNA.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production
in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river
and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon
a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After
I'm elected...'"
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and
be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking
Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane
as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's
finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
Siskel and Ebert gave Clinton's video taped testimony two cigars up!
What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
Put a tiny weenie into real hot water.
I'm glad I'm not President of the United States, because then
I would be limited to having sex with pretty much whoever shows
up in my office.
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
In New York, a Democratic bumper sticker saying, "Run Hillary,
Run" has appeared. Republicans are putting it on their FRONT
bumper.
Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A: The nation.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a
dishonest lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why did all the homosexuals vote for Bill Clinton in the
last election?
A: Because they like assholes better than Bush.
Q: How come Clinton doesn't catch colds?
A: He knows how to avoid the draft.
Q: What's the difference between Bob Dole and Hillary Clinton?
A: Dole always wants to screw the president.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the cow's eyes.
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wears underwear?
A: To keep his ankles warm.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's
sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: What's furry, green, and smells like pussy?
A: The pool table in the Oval Office.
Peel Pictures
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
Lost in Translation!
DIFFICULTIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!:
In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A
MAN." Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR." Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES". Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS". In a Nairobi restaurant: "
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER." On a
poster at Kenya:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP." On an Athi
River highway: this is the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS." A sign seen on an automatic
restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS." In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES." Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS
IN BED." On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR." In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS." Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID." In the lobby
of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY." A
sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS
PURPOSE." Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING
GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE
LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE." In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM." Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS." A laundry in
Rome: " LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME."
Gotta luv this nurse...
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs in his crotch.
Worried that there might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you
pull it off.
Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence:
'Get well quick.... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.'
Comprehending Engineers -
TAKE 1 :
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said.
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
TAKE 2:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
TAKE 3:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" "The pastor said, "Hey,
here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night ?"
TAKE 4:
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of
their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone
else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called
on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the
past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on
a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The
company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded briefly:
one chalk mark $1; knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
TAKE 5:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
TAKE 6:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
TAKE 7:
Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.
TAKE 8:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
lab and get some work done."
TAKE 9:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Monday, April 21, 2008
Folding Bottle
This guy goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new
designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new
invention. It's a folding bottle."
"Ok," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a
folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the bloke, "You're really going to hate the
name of my folding bucket."
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Older and Wiser
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on
his coat. His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He said! , "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those
new little blue pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her
coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that
rusty old thing, I¹m going to get me a tetanus
shot."
Oh Father Oh Father
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar
backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
"I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! "
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to
reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
then leaned over and said.
"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants
backwards instead of your collar."
The truth ROBOT
One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot
was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who
lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad
asked him, 'Son why are you late from school?' Kyle answered, 'Dad, we had
extra classes today'.
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and
slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, 'Son this robot is special in
that it can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on
tell me the truth. Why are you late?' 'Dad, I went to a movie' 'Which
movie?' 'The Ten Commandments' Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the
face from the robot. 'Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen'.
'Shame on you son, when I was your age I never
watched obscene movies or misbehaved' Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap
on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes
walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, 'After all
he is YOUR son!!!' To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a
resounding slap on her face!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
A 55-year old ass........
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Oh... Your name never came up, dear' she replied.
The Paper bag
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot hi gh and sets him on the c ounter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano
bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the
bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls
out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub
it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one
wish. Just ! one wish - each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is fille d with ducks
and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
Mirth - trouble makers
Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were
always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in
the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG
trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
AMAZING STUFF !!!! Type single word and watch
Hats off to the guys who developed this!!!
Check out the following link
It works only in Internet Explorer
It's really interesting.
Connect to this link. You will see a person sitting in front of the computer.
Type the words like "LAUGH" and then press dispatch? The person will
do that action.
Like laugh, u can also try walk, run, sleep, eat, stand, drink, draw,
hit, scream, play etc...............
But, remember it should be a single word all the time.
http://www.subservientprogrammer.com/main.aspx
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Blonde Cookbook!
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan
me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a
friend home for supper!
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming
the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't
say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom
asked me why I was rolling around in the garden...
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for
some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in
the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,
much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can
talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
a chocolate moose.
Luck of the Irish or Good Catholics ?
an oldie but still good..
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in
Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top O the mornin'to ye! Aren't ye
Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2
years ago?"
She replied,"Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones
yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next
week and I'll light
a candle for ye and yer hoosband.
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked,
" Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied,
"Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee
ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins
and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer
loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer
fookin' candle."..................
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Why men are never depressed..........
Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because
this one is just too icky..
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it
Old Lady
an oldie but still good ...
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I
can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it
comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!"
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay"
Murphy's Other 15 Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by
those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
And another...."If you play with something long enough, you'll break it!"
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Married 3 Times
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and
color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this
the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for
those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps
ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as
innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was
soexcited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our
hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on
our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately
and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened."
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Dilbert Factor!
Understanding your Boss!
When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough
When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Most interesting Questions asked in an interview
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins
with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in
3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go
out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all
of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers,
and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when
you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
See the answers below....
Answers:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the
barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
Hee Haw
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists:
A university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word and then allowed two minutes to study the word
and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The aboriginal won.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Man's Best Friend
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try
this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, see which one is really happy to see you!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
For Nature Lovers - Great shots
Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...
Casino Joke
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of
the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.
__________________________
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Deep Snow
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Ohio's Bay Village,
were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through.' So the good wife went out
and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.' The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park.... Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very
upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't
know what to do. Which side of
The street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?'
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time.'
Top 10 Thoughts For 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a
clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge
of immigration.
And the BONUS thought for today
'Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.'
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Did you know that beer contains female hormones!!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour
period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Children's science exam answers
Enjoy these children's science exam answers:
Question: Name the four seasons.
Answer: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon because there is no water on the moon, and
nature hates a vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels
A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
XXXX - COURSE HUMOUR
What is below is crude, really crude but fun to read.
If you are a prude please do not scroll down.
Simply go to the next joke.
Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a
woman you fix your legs and move your ass
Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come you are in big trouble .
Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place
where most people find pleasure!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
REDNECK VASECTOMY
A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went
to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.'
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what
finally made them make the decision, why after nine children, would
they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one
out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican,
and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because
neither of them could speak Spanish.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Shopping at Tiffany's
A woman walks into Tiffany. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she
looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident
and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns
around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman
standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete
professionalism, the salesman greets the woman with, 'Good day, Madam.
How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the
salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little
'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)