XXX ADULT PUNS!

An ancient Rabbi from Peru,
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw,
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

A woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.
The head foreman says:
"I don't know lady. You'd be the first woman. Before I can hire you I'll
have to see if you fit in with the guys. I have three questions for you. Do
you drink?"
She replies,
"At least a six-pack a day"
"Do you swear?"
"All the damn time!"
"OK, then, I got only one more question. You ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times!"

What do you get when you cross a Wall Street brokerage with a BDSM brothel?
A business for stocks and bondage.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was
The Xerox Flasher.
Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the
secretaries' desks.
The boss said,
"Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said,
"Well, not exactly."
He said,
"Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said,
"Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

Adultery:
The wrong people doing the right thing.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says,
"What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies,
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that
woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as
putting it in!"

"I've got to renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to
get pregnant!"
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant!"

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex
life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."

What is the difference between medium and rare? Six inches is medium, eight
inches is rare.

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails
have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
And
Helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:
You can't find your birth control pills
Worse:
Your daughter borrowed them