XX ADULT PUNS!

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas! She was not on the pill.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?"
Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

A baby conceived on the back seat of a car with automatic transmission
Will grow up to be a shiftless bastard.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive
young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the
coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best
friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman! She is dead!"
"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu! I took her for an English
lady!"

Please tell your pants
Its not polite to point.

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town
to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of
the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I
want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left
for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife,
"I guess it's to hang up your pants."

Gentleman:
One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still
find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

"Daddy, what does a pussy look like after sex?"
"Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my ass fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said,
"I know! I heard it snoring!"

Good:
Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:
You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse:
You're in them.