XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a man from Havana,
Screwed a girl on a player pee-yana,
At the height of their fever,
Her ass hit the lever,
And yes, he has no banana!

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet
like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his
genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss it. {sniff} Make it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts,
"Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Dictaphone:
Instrument for making obscene calls.

A sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond
cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his
boots.
He arrests the man for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks,
"Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says,
"Well it's like this, sheriff. I was in this bar down the road and this
purdy little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So
I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I
did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I
did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go
to town, cowboy.' And here I am."

Sex is a lot like doing laundry,
If you have a small load,
Do it by hand!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
a snack cake.
The barber says to her,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says,
"Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

My love life is terrible.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Sylvester was a sprightly ninety years of age when he married Elizabeth, who
was a resoundingly ripe eighteen-year-old. As they prepared for bed on their
wedding night, he asked her:
"Tell me, sweet child, did your mother tell you the facts of life?"
She blushed furiously from her hairline to the tips of her toes.
"No," she shyly murmured.
"That's a great pity," he said, "because I'm afraid I've forgotten them."

It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and in his innocence,
he sought lodging in the city's red-light district. His money, however, was
as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly offered him a room for the
night.
When a friend questioned him about his accommodations over lunch the
following day, the young Briton replied,
"Well, the room was very pretentious, you know, but gad, what maid service!"

Eternity:
The length of time between when you come and she leaves.