XX ADULT PUNS!

It was the first time that they had made love.
They were fondling each other intimately.
She had his donger in her hand...
"What do you call it?" She asked.
"Some blokes call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie."
"What do you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied. "It usually 'cums'
without being called."

What sex toy might be a suitable surrogate partner for a suicide bomber?
A Blow-Up Doll!

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers,
"Thank you honey. What would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says,
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks,
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for. The English girl."
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait 9 months to
see if it is a girl."

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young, female, and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed.
She said,
"Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell
me what's wrong, and I'll check it out."
I said,
"My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

Horse Show:
A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing
their horses.

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife,
"Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks,
"Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a
mink coat.
He says,
"I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies,
"Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is
only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband,
"HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies,
"I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Tired of sitting at home every night, an ugly single heiress decided
to take out a personal ad.
"Rich, sex-crazed, admittedly not good-looking woman wants man for
quiet liaisons," she wrote.
She then sat by the mailbox and waited for a response.
Lo and behold, the day after the ad appeared she received an express-mail reply.
Her heart thumping in her throat, she tore open the envelope.
Looking on, the girl's mother asked, "
So? Who's it from?"
Her expression dour, the young woman replied,
"Daddy."

Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard.