XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius says man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a
particular model of toilet.
"We haven't got one of this here," said the clerk.
"Oh, no!" I said, crestfallen.
His number had been the fourth one I'd called.
"Don't worry," he added helpfully. "I'll contact our other outlets to see if
there's anybody out there sitting on one."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said,
"He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive
jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis
bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those
carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit ."

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.
He knocked on the door of a house.
"Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.
Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of
my strawberries."

SPRING FEVER -
When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I've been screwing his wife."