XXX ADULT PUNS!

An amorous sailor of Brighton,
Said to his fave girl, "You're a tight'un!"
She said, "'pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
And there's plenty of room in the right'un!"

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to
watch the squirrels climb the tree.
One day, while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie
walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said,
"Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in
your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the
same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed
"Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said,
"Go get 'em Pussy."

Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her personal
vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's first
radio alarm cock?

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front a
teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

A birth control pill for men, that's fair.
It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a
bullet-proof vest.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it is the wrinkles.

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her
eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate," replied the lad. "I think I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "And with whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "Don't you
see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own
someday, but not a child!"
"Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
It doesn't matter if its Visa or MasterCard.