XX ADULT PUNS!

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas! She was not on the pill.

Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage
counselor.
The counselor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded,
"Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired,
"Is that true?"
Sam replied,
"Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

A baby conceived on the back seat of a car with automatic transmission
Will grow up to be a shiftless bastard.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive
young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the
coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best
friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman! She is dead!"
"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu! I took her for an English
lady!"

Please tell your pants
Its not polite to point.

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town
to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of
the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I
want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left
for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife,
"I guess it's to hang up your pants."

Gentleman:
One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still
find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

"Daddy, what does a pussy look like after sex?"
"Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my ass fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said,
"I know! I heard it snoring!"

Good:
Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad:
You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse:
You're in them.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

An ancient Rabbi from Peru,
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw,
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

A woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.
The head foreman says:
"I don't know lady. You'd be the first woman. Before I can hire you I'll
have to see if you fit in with the guys. I have three questions for you. Do
you drink?"
She replies,
"At least a six-pack a day"
"Do you swear?"
"All the damn time!"
"OK, then, I got only one more question. You ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times!"

What do you get when you cross a Wall Street brokerage with a BDSM brothel?
A business for stocks and bondage.

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was
The Xerox Flasher.
Every morning, he Xeroxed his privates, made copies & left them in the
secretaries' desks.
The boss said,
"Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said,
"Well, not exactly."
He said,
"Oh God! Don't tell me!"
She said,
"Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

Adultery:
The wrong people doing the right thing.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says,
"What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies,
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that
woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as
putting it in!"

"I've got to renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to
get pregnant!"
"But I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant!"

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex
life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."

What is the difference between medium and rare? Six inches is medium, eight
inches is rare.

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails
have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
And
Helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:
You can't find your birth control pills
Worse:
Your daughter borrowed them

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Irish Joke

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon
and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

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Short, but GOOD!!!

An Israeli arrives at London 's Heathrow airport

As he fills out the entry form,

the immigration officer asks him: "Occupation? "

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, no, just visiting!"

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

An amorous sailor of Brighton,
Said to his fave girl, "You're a tight'un!"
She said, "'pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
And there's plenty of room in the right'un!"

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to
watch the squirrels climb the tree.
One day, while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie
walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said,
"Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in
your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the
same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed
"Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said,
"Go get 'em Pussy."

Did you hear about the inventive girl who somehow wired her personal
vibrator to her bedside FM set and came up with the world's first
radio alarm cock?

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front a
teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said,
"I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the
other half."

A birth control pill for men, that's fair.
It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a
bullet-proof vest.

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"

The best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it is the wrinkles.

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her
eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate," replied the lad. "I think I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "And with whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "Don't you
see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own
someday, but not a child!"
"Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman,
It doesn't matter if its Visa or MasterCard.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

It was the first time that they had made love.
They were fondling each other intimately.
She had his donger in her hand...
"What do you call it?" She asked.
"Some blokes call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie."
"What do you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied. "It usually 'cums'
without being called."

What sex toy might be a suitable surrogate partner for a suicide bomber?
A Blow-Up Doll!

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers,
"Thank you honey. What would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says,
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks,
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for. The English girl."
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait 9 months to
see if it is a girl."

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young, female, and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed.
She said,
"Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell
me what's wrong, and I'll check it out."
I said,
"My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

Horse Show:
A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing
their horses.

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife,
"Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks,
"Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies,
"I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a
mink coat.
He says,
"I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies,
"Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is
only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband,
"HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies,
"I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message
claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch.
It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.

Tired of sitting at home every night, an ugly single heiress decided
to take out a personal ad.
"Rich, sex-crazed, admittedly not good-looking woman wants man for
quiet liaisons," she wrote.
She then sat by the mailbox and waited for a response.
Lo and behold, the day after the ad appeared she received an express-mail reply.
Her heart thumping in her throat, she tore open the envelope.
Looking on, the girl's mother asked, "
So? Who's it from?"
Her expression dour, the young woman replied,
"Daddy."

Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard.

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born Black

Nominated by UN as the best Poem Written by an African Kid

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black :
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black

And you white fellow
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey
And you calling me colored??

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a man from Havana,
Screwed a girl on a player pee-yana,
At the height of their fever,
Her ass hit the lever,
And yes, he has no banana!

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet
like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his
genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss it. {sniff} Make it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts,
"Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Dictaphone:
Instrument for making obscene calls.

A sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond
cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his
boots.
He arrests the man for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks,
"Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
The cowboy says,
"Well it's like this, sheriff. I was in this bar down the road and this
purdy little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So
I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I
did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I
did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go
to town, cowboy.' And here I am."

Sex is a lot like doing laundry,
If you have a small load,
Do it by hand!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
a snack cake.
The barber says to her,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says,
"Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

My love life is terrible.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Sylvester was a sprightly ninety years of age when he married Elizabeth, who
was a resoundingly ripe eighteen-year-old. As they prepared for bed on their
wedding night, he asked her:
"Tell me, sweet child, did your mother tell you the facts of life?"
She blushed furiously from her hairline to the tips of her toes.
"No," she shyly murmured.
"That's a great pity," he said, "because I'm afraid I've forgotten them."

It was the young Englishman's first visit to Las Vegas and in his innocence,
he sought lodging in the city's red-light district. His money, however, was
as green as his outlook, and the madam gladly offered him a room for the
night.
When a friend questioned him about his accommodations over lunch the
following day, the young Briton replied,
"Well, the room was very pretentious, you know, but gad, what maid service!"

Eternity:
The length of time between when you come and she leaves.

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Secret To A Long Marriage

An Indian Secret to a 50 year long marriage!

At The Swami Narayan Temple in Neasden London, they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Popatbhai, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.

Popatbhai replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've tried to treat her
nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Bombay, India
for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, "Popat bhai, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary?"

Popatbhai proudly replied, "I'm going back to Bombay to pick her up."

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XXX Adult Humour time

The wife said to me last night,
''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass"
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first?

Son said to Dad,
''I'm gay.''
Dad looks at his other son and said,
''What about you?''
Other son said,
''Me too, Dad.''
Dad said,
"Shit me, doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?
Daughter said,
''I do!''


Dear Abbie.
I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from
my bedroom window.
The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out.
I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my
wife standing in the bedroom door.
She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word.
Is she a pervert?

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Confucius says man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a
particular model of toilet.
"We haven't got one of this here," said the clerk.
"Oh, no!" I said, crestfallen.
His number had been the fourth one I'd called.
"Don't worry," he added helpfully. "I'll contact our other outlets to see if
there's anybody out there sitting on one."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said,
"He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive
jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis
bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those
carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit ."

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.
He knocked on the door of a house.
"Wanna buy some strawberries?"
"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.
Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell, and the woman opened the door.
To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.
Not a stitch of clothes on.
Dave started to cry.
"What's the matter?" asked the blonde.
"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave, "I lost three
thousand dollars on the stock market, and now you're gonna screw me out of
my strawberries."

SPRING FEVER -
When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I've been screwing his wife."

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Recognition

'Muslims do not recognise Jews as God's chosen people
Jews do not recognise Jesus as the Messiah,
Protestants do not recognise the Pope as the leader of the christian world,
Baptists do not recognise each other at the liquor store'!

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XX ADULT PUNS!

A popular house of ill repute was visited by a lesbian.
The woman requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

A lady and a gentleman were arguing on every subject they discussed.
Said the lady,
"Sir, we cannot agree on a single thing."
"You are wrong, Madam," he said. "If you should go into a room in which
there were two beds, one with a woman in it and the other with a man in it,
with whom would you sleep?"
"Why, with the lady, of course."
"You see; so would I."

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour,
An asshole is always in front of you!

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his
friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!"
Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing
it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4
inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how
his situation was.
Jim replied,
"I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller -- I lost two
inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco is shortening,"

Most women prefer old gynaecologists because they have shaky hands.

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to a man?"
"That's my business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional!"

He's a real humanitarian.
He just opened a halfway house for girls who won't go all the way.

We did sex education at school, and were shown various films on the subject.
One I especially remember was called, 'How To Put On A Condom'.
So, when the time came, and I was in the position to try out what I had
learned at school, I took the condom and followed the instructions from the
video.
All was going well, until she said,
"So, now what do we do with the banana?"

Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

A young woman was walking in the park one day when she came across a frog.
She picked it up and decided to take it home with her.
Later that night, she kissed it, and put it under her pillow and the next
morning when she awoke, the frog was gone and there was a handsome young man
sleeping beside her!
She could not believe it!
Given the screaming and yelling a bit later, apparently neither did her
mother and father!

DONKEY BARBECUE:
Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

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Father of the Nation

God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an
award scheme… During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on learning
about the situation in India:

He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many children
he had during his time on earth. Nehru replied… only one!

Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded Nehru
with a Celestial Rolls Royce!

Indira Gandhi was next, and God asked the same question. She replied she
had two children, and God thought, not too bad, so he gave her a BMW.

Dr. Radhakrishnan was next in line. God was not pleased to hear that he had
six children, and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment…

Sometime later, the three (Nehru, Indira and Radhakrishnan) were going
around in their new cars, saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot!!!

Wondering what went wrong; they asked him why God hadn't been merciful with
him…

The Mahatma replied in disgust, "God did not even ask me!!! Some idiots had
told him that I am the father of the whole Indian nation!"

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A Good Jewish Story

A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to
absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the
father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had
a great time in Israel . By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his
friend Jacob what to do.



Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel , and he
also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask
him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel .
He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?



Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons
and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said,
"Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . . .

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Condom

In 1272 - the Irish invented the condom, using a goats lower intestine.

In 1873 - the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of
the goat first.

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Alive

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

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HUMOUR from Great Minds

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
"Sir Norman Wisdom


"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman
That even a bargain costs money."
Edgar Watson Howe


"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
success!"
Doug Larson

"A harmful truth is always better then..a useful lie!"
Eric Bolton


"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way,
So, I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
Erno Philips


"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
"Robert Paul


"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk
And the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller


"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
Victor Borge


"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
W.C. Fields


"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
Will Rogers


"Always get married early in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
Mickey Rooney


"Women now have choices.
They can be married,
Not married,
Have a job,
Not have a job,
Be married with children,
Unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had:
Work or prison."
Tim Allen


"I'm not afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't."
Erica Jong


"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive."
Elbert Hubbard


"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
Wendell Johnson


"In life, it's not who you know that's important,
it's how your wife found out."
Joey Adams


"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
Henry Youngman


"Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already
born?"
Benny Hill

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

They call a sister a nun
Because
She ain't never had nun,
Doesn't never want nun,
And
Ain't never going to get nun.

A woman was complaining to the neighbours that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband
came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out, 'Is
that you, Jim?' and that cured him."
"Cured him," asked the woman. "But how?"
The neighbour said,
"You see, his name is Bill."

The teacher asked Johnny to make a sentence using the math terms add,
subtract, divide, and multiply.
He said,
"To have sex, you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and
hope you don't multiply.

The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level
executive position in the advertising agency.
Finally, the interviewer concluded with,
"I like your style, Miss Benson. I think you'll do just fine. All we ask is
that you put out."
"Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to
work or sex?"
"Well, little lady," he replied, "around here, if you don't do one, you had
better be doing the other."


Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the
girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said,
"I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied,
"But they'll stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse then?"

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Politically Incorrect but PRICELESS - Fully worth reading !

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the
altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ..." I'm sorry it has come
to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues
to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do
this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to
start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"There was no
answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on
board?"
Again silence.

" C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother
and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let
them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......

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XX ADULT PUNS!

There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club:
"Can I buy you a drink?", he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have
girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago." he assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine
please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her
place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said,
"So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on
earth did you split with your girlfriend?"
He said,
"My wife found out"

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends
and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the
crowd, said to his best man,
"You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've
made love to every woman in this room."
To which his friend responded,
"Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

Does the career advice,
"Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

A guy stops by to visit his friend.
They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my
sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says,
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say,
"That can't be!"
He replies,
"OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
The father shouts back,
"Yes, both of them!"

Bumper Sticker:
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

A woman phones her blonde neighbour and says,
"Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are naked. The whole
street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies,
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

The judge turns to the woman and says:
"I see you're divorcing your husband one the grounds he's an uncouth slob.
Can you give me an example of this?"
"Yes, your honour", replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks
tea with his pinkie sticking out"
"There's nothing wrong with that madam, In fact, it's considered go do
manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out,"
says the judge.
"But your honour" replies the woman " I wasn't talking about his finger."

Dance:
A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

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50 Facts each of you to know...

1. The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still
pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

2. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried
bacon.

3. Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most
definitions!

4. Camel can spit.

5. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters
in alphabetical order.

6. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

7. In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of
a child

8. A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

9. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

10. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

11. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

12. It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

13. Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

14. Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was
throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

15. The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of
the University of London

16. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people

17. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

18. The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

19 One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

20. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

21. The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667,
when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young
man

22. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! Most dust
particles in your house are made from dead skin!

23. The present population of 6 billion plus people of the world is
predicted to become 16 billion by 2080.

24. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

25. Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.

26. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of
Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

27. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

28. Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

29. On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

30. More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

31. The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write
approximately 50,000 English words.

32. More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

33. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

34. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all
four feet at all times!

35. The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French,
Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

36. Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

37. It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

38. You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you
only have 206.

39. Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

40. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

41. It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

42. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

43 The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

44. Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She
declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or
not

45. Slugs have 4 noses.

46. Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

47. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

48. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

49. The average person laughs 10 times a day!

50. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was a young sailor from Munich
Who carried a sword 'neath his tunic.
The Fandango he tried,
And he severed his pride;
Now the sailor from Munich's a eunich

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their
client's wife in bed with another man.
"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."
"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

Her son was the only male who came out of her vagina.

A bloke and his bird walking home from an Australian pub one night start
screwing up against a fence.
Suddenly, the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.
The house owner comes out, looks at them and says,
"You gonna pay for that?"
Bloke says to his bird,
"What do you think, go halves on the cost?" "F*ck off," says his bird, "I
was pushing the other way!"

What do you call a 400 pound woman who likes sex with both men and women? A
bisexual built for two.

A famous violinist noticed after a spectacular performance that a rather
pretty woman was waiting for him at the stage door.
He strikes up a acquaintance with her and goes to her apartment, where they
make love five times.
The next morning he says to her,
"You were a pretty good lay, so I'm going to give you two orchestra tickets
for my program tonight.
"Fie," says she, "I'm famished and have not even any bread here at home. If
I do this with you, it's to be able to put bread on the table for my
children."
"Bread you want?" said the fiddler, "If it's bread you want, you should be
screwing the baker!"

What do you call a guy who is sexually attracted to tramps?
A hobosexual

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back
door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college. I just f*uck'n love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Confucius says,
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

One day Joe goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional.
"Father," he says, "this week I have sinned forty three times."
"My son," the priest says, "this is a bad thing. Who did this happen with?"
"My wife, Jill," Joe answers.
"But that is not a sin," the priest says, "That is common behaviour in a
marriage."
"I know," Joe says with a smile, "I just wanted to tell someone."

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