XXX ADULT PUNS!

"There once was a guy from El Doot,
Who found seven huge warts on his root,
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He's got to finger the thing like a flute."

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's
children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth
to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of
Eden.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

They made an attractive couple in the swank restaurant,
He handsome, dressed in a hand-tailored suit, obviously well to do, and she
ravishing, shapely, and obviously quite hungry.
It was their first date.
"So, Margaret," he said. "What would you like?"
She scanned the menu with an experienced eye.
"To begin," she said, "I'd like a champagne cocktail, then a dozen
blue-point oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup.
For the entrees I'll have the filet of Dover sole aux chapignons followed by
the pheasant under glass.
Pommes de Terre Lyonnaises, plus an a la carte order of asparagus would be
nice, too.
And I'll have the tarragon oil dressing on the salad.
For dessert I'd like a great big plate of profiteroles, a few petits-fours,
and a large cognac, X.O.
That should do it."
Somewhat taken aback, the man smiled and asked,
"Do you eat like this at home?"
Margaret favoured him with a lazy grin.
"No," she said. "But then, nobody at home wants to sleep with me."

A farmer outside of Kingman, Kansas has made history by growing a field of
dildos!
Unfortunately,
he's had a lot of trouble with squatters.

If I ever had to choose between having sex with a beautiful woman and a
monkey,
I'd choose the monkey, because I'm sure there will be other times to have
sex with a woman, but come on, how often do you get to have sex with a
monkey?

What do you call a guy with a one inch penis?
Justin.

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
phones her.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6
months is going to shift this beer belly.

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the
attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've
got to give you draft."