XX ADULT PUNS!

A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
Resounded for miles upon miles.
Said the friar, "Good gracious,
The brother Ignatious
Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."

If you don't believe in oral sex,
Keep your mouth shut.

A man asked his neighbour how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbour replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he
used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers,
So, one day at the office he asked:
"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them
out?"
"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back
on again!"

What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon.

A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
solicitation.
The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not
guilty when police had caught her in the act.
The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.
"I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed.
"How can you claim you are celibate?"
"It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there."

Impotence:
Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

In the traditional ocean-liner interview, the reporter said to the glamorous
movie queen,
"I understand you were courted by many European noblemen during your four
weeks abroad."
"That's right, honey," she replied, hiking her skirt still higher and
smiling into the flashing cameras.
"I managed to make every second count

What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is
frigid?
"No, she isn't"

One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy
went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his
friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend,
"My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt
something getting hard, so I ran."

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the
pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know
it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

One of our favourite bartenders told us about a very proper Englishman who
came into his place a couple of weeks ago.
The fellow sat down at the bar, but didn't order.
The bartender, an unusually friendly guy, asked him if he couldn't fix him a
drink, on the house.
The Englishman shook his head.
"Tried liquor once," he said. "Didn't like it."
The bartender then offered the Englishman a cigarette.
"No, thank you," he said. "Tried tobacco once. Didn't like it."
Still trying to be friendly, the bartender asked the Englishman if he would
like to join a couple of friends seated at the bar in a few hands of poker.
The Englishman shook his head.
"Tried gambling once. Didn't like it. I wouldn't be sitting in this place at
all, but I promised my son I would meet him here."
"I see," said the bartender. "Your only child?"

"How many beers does it take to make you dizzy?" he asked.
"Four or five," she retorted. "And don't call me 'dizzy'!"