XX ADULT PUNS!

I don't know about the rest of you guys,
But
If I ever get a 4-hour erection,
My wife is the one who's going to need to seek immediate medical attention.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy
tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen...
The works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new
"body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that
often affects women your age, osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo--what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this
face, I get new bones quite often!"

Asphalt:
Haemorrhoids.

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that
although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with
the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to
eat her meals with them.

The waitress at the Greek beanery married the boss, and they seemed quite
happy.
But one day she sued him for divorce.
Her charge:
He was indifferent.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you got to help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I
date one of the young doctors working here, I end up in bed with him.
Afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!!!" exclaimed the Lori. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."

One sperm said to the other,
"I can't wait until we reach the fallopian tubes."
The other said,
"Forget it, stupid. We're in the stomach."

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and
troubles to the church's appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my
husband in line?"
The counselor scowled.
"Well, young lady," he said. "Maybe that's the problem. Your husband
shouldn't have to wait in line."

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their it me and when finally the last one is ready to
hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it
another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically,
"I guess all those fuckin' lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies,
"Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons
instead."

Confucius says
Girl who sit on judge's lap get honourable discharge.