XX PUNS OF THE DAY!

'Twas a sailor who caused commotions
While aboard ships upon the oceans.
He was court-martialed; found
That he likely was bound
To forever go through de-motions.


According to statisticians,
If you live half the year in New York City and half in Los Angeles, on the
average,
You live in Topeka, Kansas.

When I first started practice 44 years ago, each staff physician was
required to cover the local hospitals' emergency rooms in rotation, no
matter what specialty one might be in.
I was on call at a hospital near Disneyland one Sunday and a young man was
brought in who had injured his arm falling off one of the rides.
He was followed by a crowd of spectators and several reporters and I
discovered he was a famous English singer named Mick Jagger.
X-rays revealed a non-displaced fracture and as was policy in those days, an
orthopedist could be called only if the fracture was complicated.
So, I treated him and he left very happy.
However, I never expected the condemnation I received from my medical
colleagues for his care.
Why did I receive such a response?
For casting the first Stone.

My friends call me Mesa because of my big butte.

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his
college class.
While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he
told his students,
"You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod."
Which was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

The Bible says Joseph rode into Bethlehem on his ass.
Well, duhhh!
Did you ever hear of anyone riding anywhere on their head?

Donations to the order were down and the convent did not have the funds to
continue in their usual manner.
Rather than shutting down, Mother Superior ordered an austerity program
requiring recycling of old clothing.
As the gowns had faded over the years, they were sent to the manufacturer to
restore them to their original black.
Unfortunately, when the dresses were returned, while improved, they were
still a dark grey.
Which just goes to prove that old habits dye hard.

PMS jokes aren't funny.
Period!

"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with whom she lived
concurrently is the father of her child, Your Honour," stated the attorney
in court, "she seeks to combine them as joint defendants in this legal
action."
"So, what she really is pressing for then," commented the jurist wryly, "is
a paternity suit with two pairs of pants."

I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah's Witness said,
"Can I talk to you about God?"
I responded,
"Sure, what would you like to know?"

Pat and Harry had just finished all their post-graduate coursework and
defended their theses successfully.
They went to the local bar to celebrate.
When the bartender found out what they were celebrating, he immediately
asked them to leave with the explanation:
"I can't serve two Masters."

Is a group of trainee secret service agents aspiring?