XXX ADULT PUNS!

There was old guy named Lee,
Who was stung in the balls by a bee,
He made oodles of money,
By oozing pure honey,
Every time he attempted to pee.

A new study concludes,
"Sex decreases the incidence of airborne viral infections.
The more sex you have, the less chance you have of getting a cold."
Now every time a woman sneezes, I hear someone say,
"Hey, I got something for that."

If you drink
Don't park,
Accidents cause people.

Confucius Says:
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grows up to
be shiftless bastard.


ADULTERY:
The wrong people doing the right thing.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks,
"Do you still get horny?"
The other replies,
"Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks,
"What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies,
"I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

A drunk was staggering through the park and saw a young athlete doing
pushups.
"Wash the matter, Mac?" inquired the lush. "Lose your girl?"

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said,
"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife .
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the Doctor said. "Now turn all the
way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes
back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection
either."

A game show contestant mooned the camera.
His ass was in Jeopardy!

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.
He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says,
"You wanna screwdriver?"
He says,
"Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off anyway."

Does the career advice,
"Come early on your first day"
Apply in the porn business?


I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was conceived
under the "No Parking" sign.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

Sign in a pharmacy window:
FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING-PENICILLIN.

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XX ADULT PUNS!

Martinis, my girl, are deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table.

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.
The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the lawyer's
name.
One of the recipients sent an email of thanks back to the lawyer saying,
"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."


What is worse than a piano out of tune?
An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and after
dining in the restaurant, he invited the waitress called Julie up to his
room for drinks.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded
him he was a holy man.
"It's O. K.," he replied. "It's written in the bible."
So, after a wild night of sex the waitress asked to see where in the bible
it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone had written in pencil,
"Julie, the dining room waitress puts out!"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.

I thought I was being pretty funny, initiating sex by telling my wife,
"Prepare to be invaded by the Mongol hordes!" -- until I discovered she had
built a Great Wall of Vagina to keep me out.


Gesundheit:
What the guy said about how he fit into the virgin.

Did you hear about the game show contestant who mooned the camera?
His ass was in Jeopardy!

As Mark fixed himself a martini to carry him through the ordeal of waiting
while Peggy got ready for their date, he could hear her singing in the
shower.
"Sorry I'm so late," she finally called out to him, "but I was shopping and
lost track of the time."
Clutching a large towel about her, she edged into the room.
"Would you like to see me in my new dress?" she asked.
Mark took appreciative note of her newly bathed charms straining at the
confines of the barely adequate towel.
"I would like," he said with a smile, "nothing better."

One of my favourite activities is surfing the net while sitting stark naked
in my chair.
I'm still not sure why they fired me, though, because I only did it during
my break.

A man was shopping in the men's department at Blooming dale's when he
noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said,
"Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked,
"And what would you like?"
"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you
tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run
my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to
your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning
your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits
and bite your nipples lightly. But what I came to buy is a new tie."

Why is being in the military like a blow job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

"There once was a guy from El Doot,
Who found seven huge warts on his root,
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He's got to finger the thing like a flute."

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's
children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth
to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of
Eden.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

They made an attractive couple in the swank restaurant,
He handsome, dressed in a hand-tailored suit, obviously well to do, and she
ravishing, shapely, and obviously quite hungry.
It was their first date.
"So, Margaret," he said. "What would you like?"
She scanned the menu with an experienced eye.
"To begin," she said, "I'd like a champagne cocktail, then a dozen
blue-point oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup.
For the entrees I'll have the filet of Dover sole aux chapignons followed by
the pheasant under glass.
Pommes de Terre Lyonnaises, plus an a la carte order of asparagus would be
nice, too.
And I'll have the tarragon oil dressing on the salad.
For dessert I'd like a great big plate of profiteroles, a few petits-fours,
and a large cognac, X.O.
That should do it."
Somewhat taken aback, the man smiled and asked,
"Do you eat like this at home?"
Margaret favoured him with a lazy grin.
"No," she said. "But then, nobody at home wants to sleep with me."

A farmer outside of Kingman, Kansas has made history by growing a field of
dildos!
Unfortunately,
he's had a lot of trouble with squatters.

If I ever had to choose between having sex with a beautiful woman and a
monkey,
I'd choose the monkey, because I'm sure there will be other times to have
sex with a woman, but come on, how often do you get to have sex with a
monkey?

What do you call a guy with a one inch penis?
Justin.

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
phones her.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6
months is going to shift this beer belly.

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the
attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've
got to give you draft."

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XX Male Anatomy

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the
government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it
is.

Oxford University allocated a budget of ₤500,000 for research. After 2
years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider
than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This
would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of
successful fertilisation.

Cambridge University spent ₤750,000 on a research programme that
lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip
because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during
sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of
impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent ₤2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10
minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at
the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

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XX Boobs In Church!

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her
boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after
everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me
that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her
tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear
any angels singing!"
"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

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Philosophy Class

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after
a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already
seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped
it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair
does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled
in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the
class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group
wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written
anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
Resounded for miles upon miles.
Said the friar, "Good gracious,
The brother Ignatious
Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."

If you don't believe in oral sex,
Keep your mouth shut.

A man asked his neighbour how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbour replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he
used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers,
So, one day at the office he asked:
"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them
out?"
"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back
on again!"

What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon.

A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
solicitation.
The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not
guilty when police had caught her in the act.
The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.
"I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed.
"How can you claim you are celibate?"
"It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there."

Impotence:
Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

In the traditional ocean-liner interview, the reporter said to the glamorous
movie queen,
"I understand you were courted by many European noblemen during your four
weeks abroad."
"That's right, honey," she replied, hiking her skirt still higher and
smiling into the flashing cameras.
"I managed to make every second count

What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is
frigid?
"No, she isn't"

One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy
went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his
friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend,
"My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt
something getting hard, so I ran."

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the
pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know
it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

One of our favourite bartenders told us about a very proper Englishman who
came into his place a couple of weeks ago.
The fellow sat down at the bar, but didn't order.
The bartender, an unusually friendly guy, asked him if he couldn't fix him a
drink, on the house.
The Englishman shook his head.
"Tried liquor once," he said. "Didn't like it."
The bartender then offered the Englishman a cigarette.
"No, thank you," he said. "Tried tobacco once. Didn't like it."
Still trying to be friendly, the bartender asked the Englishman if he would
like to join a couple of friends seated at the bar in a few hands of poker.
The Englishman shook his head.
"Tried gambling once. Didn't like it. I wouldn't be sitting in this place at
all, but I promised my son I would meet him here."
"I see," said the bartender. "Your only child?"

"How many beers does it take to make you dizzy?" he asked.
"Four or five," she retorted. "And don't call me 'dizzy'!"

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XX ADULT PUNS!

When a horse-playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling,
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."

A college girl comes back to the dorm after spending all day hiking in the
wilderness with her boyfriend.
After her shower she's toweling off when her roommate notices her butt all
bruised up black and blue.
"Good heavens! What happened to you? You're all bruised up."
She replied,
"Well, you know how it goes, just got caught between a rock and a hard-on."

Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring,
Necrophilia is dead boring.

There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of a
meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the clubhouse
at 8 PM Wednesday.
I decided to go and see what the group was like.
I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00 that evening and
found the room completely empty.
It was then I realized that I came too soon.

What did the Indian say when the prostitute tied a knot in his pecker?
\"How come!"

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a
prostitute for sex.
"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honour."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds,
"How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both
the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right
here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't
engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime
-- gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor.
"How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier
that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet
you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is
just footage of me losing the bet!"

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend?
Let everyone else go first!

Charles was taking his out-of-town buddy Clyde on a walking tour of the
city.
Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if he knew her.
"Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars."
A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl and asked
if Charles happened to know her also.
"Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars."
After the process was repeated twice more, Clyde remarked,
"Good Heavens! Aren't there any respectable women in this city?"
"Of course!" replied Charles, highly offended. "But you couldn't afford them
either."

Why did the priest get AIDS?
He forgot to clean his organ between hymns!

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch.
The shrink says,
"What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?"
The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.
The shrink says,
"So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?"
The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every time
he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his
pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.
The psychiatrist says,
"I think I know what your problem is. You're fuckin' nuts."

Confucius say woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

Elton John and George Michael were standing on Circular Quay looking out
over the harbour.
George pointed to a ferry and asked,
"Elton, what's that?"
"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.
"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we
had our own navy!"

Gesundheit:
What the guy said about how he fit into the virgin.

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XXX ADULT PUNS!

Said a specialty hooker named Jean,
Who made the Jacuzzi her scene,
"A rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub
Not only cum close, they cum clean.'


An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,
watching the news from San Francisco.
"Jus' look at them homo- sexshuals. They're ruining the country, with men
marryin' men, and women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta'
go out there and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied,
"Yes, Daddy."

Homosexual:
One who has sex only in his own residence

A female teacher with a great figure was starting her junior high class on a
unit on astronomy.
She asked the class which part of the Universe interested them most.
A boy in the front row immediately replied,
"Uranus!"

The earthworm comes equipped with both male and female sex organs.
Now there's a creature who really can go Fuck himself.)

Two desert travelers rented a Camel from Hertz-Rent-a- Camel.
Out in the middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down.
The chaps could not get it to arise no matter what they tried.
They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a Camel
Mechanic when they got to the nearest village.
A few hours later the Mechanic arrived.
He looked in the Camel's mouth, ears, and up its rectum.
He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large rubber headed sledge hammer.
He raised this high in the air and brought it down on the Camel's belly, as
hard as he could.
Well, that Camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away as 17 sand
dunes.
It then struggled to its feet.
"Ah ha," the Mechanic said! "Just as I thought, vapour locked!"

Confucius say man who eat too many prunes,
Get good run for money.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism zipper,
buttons or Velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

When a brothel catches fire,
Some come out running while others run out coming!

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to
"out-status" each other.
The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn
there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said,
"I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
The neighbour smiled and said,
"Take it from me, Pal, your wife certainly could use a refresher course."

What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city?
In the end, the hero gets the heroin.

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the aborigine

A rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided that he wanted to throw
a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited
Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and
flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the
croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the
croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

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Middle east humor

An Arab walks into a bar

and is about to order a drink

when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap,

a prayer shawl /tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.


He doesn't have to be an Einstein

to know that this guy is Jewish.

so he shouts over to the bartender

loudly enough that everyone can hear,




"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender,

but not for that Jew over there".



Soon after the drinks have been handed out,

the Jew gives him a big smile,

waves at him, then says,

"Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.


He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"


The Arab asks the bartender,

"What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?

I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him,

and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"


"Nope," replies the bartender.

"He owns the place.. ."

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XX PUNS OF THE DAY!

'Twas a sailor who caused commotions
While aboard ships upon the oceans.
He was court-martialed; found
That he likely was bound
To forever go through de-motions.


According to statisticians,
If you live half the year in New York City and half in Los Angeles, on the
average,
You live in Topeka, Kansas.

When I first started practice 44 years ago, each staff physician was
required to cover the local hospitals' emergency rooms in rotation, no
matter what specialty one might be in.
I was on call at a hospital near Disneyland one Sunday and a young man was
brought in who had injured his arm falling off one of the rides.
He was followed by a crowd of spectators and several reporters and I
discovered he was a famous English singer named Mick Jagger.
X-rays revealed a non-displaced fracture and as was policy in those days, an
orthopedist could be called only if the fracture was complicated.
So, I treated him and he left very happy.
However, I never expected the condemnation I received from my medical
colleagues for his care.
Why did I receive such a response?
For casting the first Stone.

My friends call me Mesa because of my big butte.

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his
college class.
While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he
told his students,
"You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod."
Which was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

The Bible says Joseph rode into Bethlehem on his ass.
Well, duhhh!
Did you ever hear of anyone riding anywhere on their head?

Donations to the order were down and the convent did not have the funds to
continue in their usual manner.
Rather than shutting down, Mother Superior ordered an austerity program
requiring recycling of old clothing.
As the gowns had faded over the years, they were sent to the manufacturer to
restore them to their original black.
Unfortunately, when the dresses were returned, while improved, they were
still a dark grey.
Which just goes to prove that old habits dye hard.

PMS jokes aren't funny.
Period!

"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with whom she lived
concurrently is the father of her child, Your Honour," stated the attorney
in court, "she seeks to combine them as joint defendants in this legal
action."
"So, what she really is pressing for then," commented the jurist wryly, "is
a paternity suit with two pairs of pants."

I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah's Witness said,
"Can I talk to you about God?"
I responded,
"Sure, what would you like to know?"

Pat and Harry had just finished all their post-graduate coursework and
defended their theses successfully.
They went to the local bar to celebrate.
When the bartender found out what they were celebrating, he immediately
asked them to leave with the explanation:
"I can't serve two Masters."

Is a group of trainee secret service agents aspiring?

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Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,
and make love to her until dawn.. Three weeks later she was discovered by
the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."

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GEORGE CARLINISMS

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?


Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?


Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?


Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
You turn down the volume on the radio?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour,
&
Dish washing liquid made with real lemons?


Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?


Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?


Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?


Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
That he just whipped out a quarter?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?


How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?


How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?


If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
Can he still hear his Walkman?


If athletes get athlete's foot,
Do astronauts get mistletoe?


If Barbie's so popular,
Why do you have to buy all her friends?


If blind people wear dark glasses,
Why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter,
Then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?


If space is a vacuum,
Who changes the bags?


If swimming is good for your shape,
Then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin,
What do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish,
Do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive,
Why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?


If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
Does he become disoriented?


Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?


Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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A Smart Canadian Redhead

I am not sure how true this is, but good humour for all my friends living in
Canada.

Stephen Harper was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a
redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of Canada.

Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was,

'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,

My panties as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in,

And keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and

Screw me the way you have retirees,

Then you can have it for free, like everything immigrants get.'

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XX ADULT PUNS!

I don't know about the rest of you guys,
But
If I ever get a 4-hour erection,
My wife is the one who's going to need to seek immediate medical attention.

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy
tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen...
The works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.
Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new
"body work."
When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that
often affects women your age, osteoporosis."
Bambi looked puzzled.
"Osteo--what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."
Bambi giggled, blushed and said,
"Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this
face, I get new bones quite often!"

Asphalt:
Haemorrhoids.

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that
although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with
the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to
eat her meals with them.

The waitress at the Greek beanery married the boss, and they seemed quite
happy.
But one day she sued him for divorce.
Her charge:
He was indifferent.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you got to help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I
date one of the young doctors working here, I end up in bed with him.
Afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!!!" exclaimed the Lori. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."

One sperm said to the other,
"I can't wait until we reach the fallopian tubes."
The other said,
"Forget it, stupid. We're in the stomach."

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and
troubles to the church's appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my
husband in line?"
The counselor scowled.
"Well, young lady," he said. "Maybe that's the problem. Your husband
shouldn't have to wait in line."

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
But
You come in one, and go in the other.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their it me and when finally the last one is ready to
hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it
another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically,
"I guess all those fuckin' lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies,
"Now, you see, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons
instead."

Confucius says
Girl who sit on judge's lap get honourable discharge.

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X Know your monkey

A Girl realized that she had grown hair in between her legs
She got worried and asked her mother about it
Her mother calmly said:
"that part where hair has grown is called Monkey
and be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
The girl was happy to know that
At dinner, she told her sister:
"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said:
"that's nothing
mine is already eating bananas"

Mother fainted..............

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Father!!!!!

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church,
he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years
and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her
house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept
with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but
nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her
too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was
around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he
walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began
searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table
behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

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Little johnny!!!!

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they
grow up. It was Johnny's turn.

Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a
bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a
Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, get her
expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day."



The teacher was lost for words and didn't know what to do. She just
proceeded along and askedMarie what she wanted to be.



Marie replied: " I'd like to be Johnny's bitch!!"

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Sueing the hospital

A woman has sued her local hospital saying that after treating her
husband recently he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied
All we did was correct his eyesight...

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Breaking News

The Thames river police stop two Pakistani gentlemen in a row boat, rowing
towards central London.
"The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft, where are
you heading?"

One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts, "We are invading the
United Kingdom !"

The crew of the Police launch all start laughing and when the captain
finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says
"Just the two of you then?"

The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts, "No, we're just the last
two. The rest are already here!"

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