THE SQUIRREL AND THE GRASSHOPPER
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building And improving his house and laying up supplies for the
winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
Grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
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THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live
coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the
squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald That the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls For an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to
make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels
to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined
for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing
on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court
the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
Furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to
the more Needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country
of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport
because of Britains apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police
fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves
to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered
to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a
botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond
65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
