Some old some new...

Sometimes A Light Goes On

Two men working in a factory were talking.

"I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.

The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.
"I'm a lightbulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man
walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed
him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

It Was All A Blur

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the
police show up, they ask him what transpired. The shaken turtle
replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Confident Vs. Confidential

A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident
and confidential?"

His dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend
over there is also my son. That's confidential!"

Anger Management?

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

A Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon and laid it
on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the
bird's chest and informed the woman that her duck was dead.

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned with a Labrador
retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted
the dog on the head and led it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer
terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill and screamed, "$150!
Just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat
scan, it's now $150."

Say What?

Three old guys are out walking:

The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Huh?

A man is telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," says the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."