Laffaday!

There was a farmer who had many pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:
"What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because, I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because, I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's
unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying
with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:
"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

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"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said
looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

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A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."

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One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a
little too much at an office reception.
Although, this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it
to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden
under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking
out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the
car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.
That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

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A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards...
You need a Heart to love him.
A Diamond to marry him.
A Club to smash his f@*%ing head in.
And a Spade to bury him.

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A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold.
The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys get hold of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I've got something for
That."

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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in
Korea for his first time.
While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red
light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask
the local girls how much it costs for a good time.
He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a
get laid plan.
One of the local girls approaches him and asks,
"Wat is you name?"
He replies,
"Rick Venus."
She says,
"Lick Penus?"
He says,
"Sure how much?"

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If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and
Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another
for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortuneteller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man
Scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said,
"That's what YOU think..."