Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: December 2008

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY T HINGS
AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA,
TWO TEQUILA,
THREE TEQUILA,
FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS
BECAUSE, HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?'
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME,
IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS,
DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU S EE
AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED,
CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL,
IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME,
DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE
YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS,
DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTI-PASTO,
WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL,
AND SUCCEED,
WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP'
TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS'
INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON
IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR-CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK.

So, the Bush years are coming to a close.
It's the end of an error.
(Jerry Smith)

Congress has given itself a $4700 a year pay raise.
They want to make sure that they make enough money so that if a
lobbyist wants to bribe them, it will have to be really worth it.
(Jim Barach)

When did Mark Tiexeria become Willie Mays, Ted Williams and Mickey
Mantle rolled up in one.
Oh, I remember now. Right after CC Sabathia became Sandy Koufax.
(Mitch Hammons)

In other news, the Yankees signed Prince and the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir to provide live pre-game music in the clubhouse.
(Scott Ostler)

Last night's studio audience was terrible.
I call them the Federal Reserve audience — their interest rate was zero.
(David Letterman)

Barack Obama says he's going to get to the inauguration by train.
This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that Obama was
going to get to the inauguration by walking on water.
(Craig Ferguson)

Apparently there are problems with the cell phone connections from
Hawaii to Washington, D.C.
President-elect Obama has called several times to President Bush
recently asking the first thing he should do upon taking office.
And all he hears is Bush saying, "Pardon me?"
(Janice Hough)

President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week.
To which President Bush said, "You know, I prefer spending my
Christmases right here in the United States."
(Jay Leno)

Gov. Blagojevich came out and said he hasn't done anything wrong, and
he isn't guilty of anything.
So, that's the second big snow job Chicago got over the weekend.
(Jay Leno)

Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed.
It's that cold.
(David Letterman)

I was disappointed in some last-minute Christmas shopping.
I went to Victoria's Secret when they promised bras half off!
(Steve Denny)

Another Christmas has come and gone.
This time of year means exchanging gifts.
Thursday you exchange them with relatives.
Friday you exchange them with Macy's.
(Alan Ray)

President Bush has approved a $17.4 billion loan for Detroit.
True to form, each of the Big 3 auto-makers immediately invested that
money with Bernie Madoff.
(Jake Novak)

Mark Felt, identified as "Deep Throat" of Watergate fame has died at age 95.
When Bill Clinton heard that "Deep Throat" had passed away, he said he
didn't even know Monica Lewinsky was sick.
(Jim Barach)

Monday, December 29, 2008

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies.

*I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.

*I will stop sending e-mail to my partner.
A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

*I resolve to work with neglected children --
My own.

*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I
answer my e-mail.
*I will stop sending e-mail,
ICQ,
Instant Messages and
Be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

*I resolve to back up my 500.GB hard drive daily...
Well, once a week...okay,
Monthly then...or maybe...
At least once a year.

*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet -
This, of course, will be hard to estimate
Since, I'm not a clock watcher.
*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning...
4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time
to answer me by then.
*When I hear a funny joke,
I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
*I will read the manual...
Just as soon as I can find it.
*I will think of a password other than "password."
*I resolve...
I resolve to...
I resolve to, uh...
I resolve to, uh, get my, ER...
I resolve to, uh, get my, ER, off-line work done, too!

Laughs on a Monday

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from College.
"I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, "but I wan't to
ask for your daughter's hand."
"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the
father asked.
The boyfriend replied,
"From our Lamaze instructor."

A student who had recently been diagnosed with multiple personality
disorder went to the campus medical center.
"Doc," he said, "I think one of my personalities may be gay."
"And this is causing you discomfort?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah," the student replied. "It's kind of a pain in the ass."

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Laughter on a Sunday.

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter
from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed
stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote,
"Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100
bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to
him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of
his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her
door,insisting on seeing her.
She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming sister," he replied."Don't Despair
paid 80-to-1."

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and
it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum
laude from law school.
Both came from good families.
Both are equally attractive and well spoken.
It's up to the senior partner to choose one.
So, he takes each aside and asks,
"Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me
why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the
Greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the
Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What
in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs.
Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a
week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared
Mrs.Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in
Miami,and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private
guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile.
"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So, what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist
in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just
to talk about me!"

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his
wife to drive his prize possession even to
the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print
your age."

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.
She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of
ten, it's for you!"

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-

Cheating the System.

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses
that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of
auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."
My brother smiled and said,
"Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Jokes on a Saturday.

1.
One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache.
Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache

2.
One day of coal 364 days of fun.......
The choice is obvious.

3.
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded
late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said,
"Sorry, No room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said,
"But, your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly,
"You know that we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try the other
side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said,
"I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said,
"Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied,
"He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied,
"He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And, why was he born In a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly,
"Because, a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a
room for the night!"

4.
A guy says to his doctor,
"I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."
The doctor says,
"No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it."
The next day the doctor calls Bob and asks,
"Did it work?"
The guy says,
"It worked too well. I woke up with my finger still in my asshole."

5.
"I've got this thing for tall, lean men," said the new coder at the
software company. "That Mike in sales is certainly a long tall drink
of water."
"I hate to bust your bubble honey," replied the office veteran, "but,
for a long tall drink of water, he's got an awful short straw.

6.
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast
solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a
pontoon bridge to carry us across. But, there's not enough time - the
Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges
to carry us across. But, time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out
of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

7.
Why is sex is like software?
For every one who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

THE DICTIONARY

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

DIVORCE:
Future Tense
of Marriage

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes
before marriage

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life

YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth

ETC:
A sign
to make others believe
that you know
more than
you actually do

COMMITTEE:
Individuals
who can do
nothing individually
and sit to decide
that nothing can be done
together

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes

ATOM BOMB:
An invention
to bring an end
to all
inventions

PHILOSOPHER:
A fool
who torments himself
during life,
to be spoken of
when dead

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

OPPORTUNIST:
A person
who starts taking bath
if he
accidentally falls
into a river

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST:
A person
who says that
O is the last letter
in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature

CRIMINAL:
A guy
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A HORSE, A Chicken and A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length
of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
Farmer's' bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down
thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

SEE BELOW

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

Monday, December 15, 2008

Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give
you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you
give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready
to receive a ton of $hit."

XX "Thingies".. you could perhaps say only @ Christmas.. and perhaps get away with it?

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together, keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that.. and still want more...

.. and probably get away with it?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Christmas Shopping Fun!

1. Randomly put cans of cat food in peoples carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
"I think we have a code 3 in house-wares,"
And see what happens.

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station,
Then, turn them all off and turn the volumes to max.

6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "CAUTION_WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department;
Tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the
bedding department

10. When someone asks if they can help you,
Begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from:
"Mission Impossible"

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK
ME! PICK ME!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position an scream:
"NO!NO! It's those voices again."

21. Go to the food court,
Get a soft drink,
Tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those
little umbrellas in it.

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud,
"Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied,
'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Never end with a preposition

On my 65th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to
the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly,
methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on
my shoulder,
warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take
only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer
and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as
long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop
the medicine from working?'

'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she
does, the medicine will l not work again until the next full moon. '

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said,
'1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

Cara was excited and began throwing off her
clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with
a preposition.

21st Century....

We are becoming lesser by the day

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very Very less

Our emails - useless (especially dis one)!

A Mom's letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year.

I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the
doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's blue crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

1. I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the
breeze; but, are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the
candy aisle in the grocery store.

2. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this
year

3. I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays
adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs
containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret
compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

4. On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without
the use of power tools.

5. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat
in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only
be heard by the dog.

6. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or
the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it
being served in a Styrofoam container.

7. If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

8. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and
come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but, please don't eat too many
or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

MOM.

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children young enough to believe in Santa for many years to come.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Laffaday!

There was a farmer who had many pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:
"What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because, I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because, I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's
unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying
with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:
"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

-------------

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said
looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

--------------

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."

----------------

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a
little too much at an office reception.
Although, this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it
to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden
under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking
out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the
car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.
That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

---------

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards...
You need a Heart to love him.
A Diamond to marry him.
A Club to smash his f@*%ing head in.
And a Spade to bury him.

-----------

A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold.
The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold.
Just wait until guys get hold of this.
A woman sneezes and he'll be saying,
"Hey, I've got something for
That."

----------

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

----------

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in
Korea for his first time.
While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red
light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask
the local girls how much it costs for a good time.
He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a
get laid plan.
One of the local girls approaches him and asks,
"Wat is you name?"
He replies,
"Rick Venus."
She says,
"Lick Penus?"
He says,
"Sure how much?"

----------

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and
Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another
for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

----------

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortuneteller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man
Scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said,
"That's what YOU think..."

Enlightened Perspective.

They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so
much with so few words.

Enjoy...

I've learned... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet
of an elderly person.

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned... That no matter how serious your life requires you to
be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything
we ask for.

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.

I've learned... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your
little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.

To all of you.... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Quick Survey on LIPSTICK

What happens to the lipstick used by the ladies...

05% of the lipstick is stuck to cutlery.

25% of the lipstick goes to tissue paper & cotton tabs at the time of
removing the make-up.

15% of the lipstick goes in drain at the time of washing face & lips.

10% is dumped in the garbage as unused.

05% of the Lipstick is found in the woman's stomach due to newer
Flavours & essences.

And the remaining 40% of the lipstick, I guarantee you that you will find it in
man's stomach

TWENTY ways to say "Your Fly is Open"

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall,
And your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson...
Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about shaft,
Can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1. I thought you were crazy;
Now, I see your nuts.

Have A Good Laugh While You Still Can.

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker .
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam.
Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time

As the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap
way to pass the time, a charity says.

A YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free
activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping.

The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes,
compared with 35% in South England.
Aids charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, which published the survey,
also welcomed recent figures showing an increase in condom sales.

Around 10% respondents to the survey, carried in November, said their
favourite free activity was window shopping and 06% chose going to a
museum as the cheapest way to pass the time.

But, the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to
gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list.

Publishing the results to coincide with World Aids Day, the Terrence
Higgins Trust reminded people to practice safe sex and pointed out
that a packet of condoms costs a fraction of the cost of a night out.

Lisa Power, head of policy, said:
We're glad that people are finding ways of relieving some of their
credit crunch woes, but if there's one thing it's worth forking out
for, it's condoms.

Stages of the Married Cold.

Stage 1:
Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl.
That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things
With all the strep that's going around.
I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest.
I know the food's terrible,
But, I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's.
I've got it all arranged with the floor Supervisor.

Stage 2:
Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough.
I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here.
Now, you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3:
Maybe you'd better lie down, honey.
Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy.
I'll bring you something.
Have we got any canned soup?

Stage 4:
Now look, dear, be sensible.
After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped,
You'd better lie down for a while.

Stage 5:
Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 6:
Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking
like a seal all evening!

Stage 7:
Would you stop coughing on me?!?
Are you trying to give me pneumonia?!?

THE YEAR 1908.

THE YEAR 1908.
This will boggle your mind,
I know it did mine!
The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :

************ ********* ********* ******
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bath-tub.
Only 08 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and
$4,000 per year,

And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools,
Many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'sub-standard. '
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into
their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza.
2. Tuberculosis.
3. Diarrhoea.
4. Heart disease.
5. Stroke.
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 06 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
the local corner drug-stores.
Back then, pharmacists said,
'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates
the stomach and bowels, and is,
In fact, a perfect guardian of health'
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or
domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

Now,
I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent
it to you and others, possibly all over the world, in a matter of
seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND!!!

Puns Intended...

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from...
Finally, it dawned on him.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'

Alimony is the high cost of leaving.

I fired my masseuse today.
She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then, it hit me.

It was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of DA feet.

No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant,
So, I gave him a pizza my mind.

The guy who invented the door-knocker got a No-bell prize.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly;
But, when they lit a fire in the boat,
It sank,
Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other,
'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Kids :)

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I
wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Groaners on Saturday.

1.
"If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep
abducting the dumbest people on earth?

2.
An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands.
During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running.
He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed.
The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town.
He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window.
The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an
elderly Jewish man with a full beard.
TOURIST: Hello.
JEWISH MAN: Hello.
TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.
JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.
TOURIST: What's a Mohel?
JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.
TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But ,why do you have all those clocks
in the window?!
JEWISH MAN: What would you want me to have in my window?

3.
A couple is throwing a dinner party, and the husband who is very thin
and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
"Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your
husband..."
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that
there's nothing that I should feed you for."

4.
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc
asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it
real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet,
because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding
recently.
The Doc said,
"Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few
pounds, Matt."
That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the
last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your
chest starts sliding down into your drawers

5.
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he
told her she couldn't make love.
I've known this for years I want to know how he found out!

6.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied,
"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes
all morning!"

Thursday, December 04, 2008

If Adam and Eve were Chinese .............

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise....... Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

X - CAMEL SEX

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the
outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have
'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
ladder, pulls his
pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done,
he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are.'

If you ever feel a little bit stupid..

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question:
If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:
'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry.
I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies
and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Tech Support - Funny

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... Sorry....

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

**********

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...

**********

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

**********

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."

**********

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Taking Viagra for diarrhoea

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and
what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Panadol?

Very good! And what is it used for?

It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Piriton

Excellent. And what it is used for?

To help you sleep

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra

Johnny. What is it used for?

I think it can be used for diarrhoea.

Who told you this?

Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra,
may be that little shit will get harder'.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Sunday morning sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,

We figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along' .

Monday, December 01, 2008

Mick from Dublin

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said Chris Tarrant, the show's
presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline
left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and
phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.

Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated
the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fxxkin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fxxkin clock!!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Monday, December 29, 2008

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Monday, December 01, 2008

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