Sunday Laffs!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior
high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then, a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the
wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said,
"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance
like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise
to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer
and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so
I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be
okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?"
The drum leader exclaimed.
"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around
for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
__________________

Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami.
Suddenly, the first sighs and says,
"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or
soft foods."
The second answers,
"Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy
the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds,
"Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged
my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is
wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time
tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says,
"So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."
__________________

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual, and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested. "I thought we had a very good
sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."
_____________

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he
decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention
that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our
fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one
virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order
to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said,
"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to
announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young
women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest.
"Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great
one? This is an order from the Almighty:
Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear,
with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby,
Then said,
"Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly,
"Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"
____________________

The grave-side service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
Accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
_________________