Jokes, Quips and Funstuff .....www.jokehaus.com: October 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Daily Dirty & Dilly

Picking Hymns.
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said,
"Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going
to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that
comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out,
"Cross!"
Immediately, the congregation started singing in unison,
"The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out,
"Grace!"
The congregation began to sing,
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said,
"Power!"
The congregation sang,
"There is Power in the Blood."

Then the Pastor said,
"Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then, all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing ........
"Precious Memories."

Waking Up for Church.
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it
was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,
"I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me,
and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied,
"I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church.
One, You're 59 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

The Picnic.
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of
July picnic.
Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.
"You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I
can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden!
You don't know what you're missing.
You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia
baked ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said,
"At your wedding."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Old is when.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
Your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love,"
And you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN…..
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

SEVEN Degrees Of Blonde...

FIRST DEGREE.
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the
coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE.
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says,
'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells,
'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies,
'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says,
'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'
A friend says,
'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,
'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE.
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE.
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed
the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND COP!'

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A letter from my daugther at College

Dear Mom,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to
hear from you.
Love,
$ue

The Reply:

Dear Sue,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Mom

Party Crashers.

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were
too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but, didn't
know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then, her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said

"Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?"

About twenty people stood.

Then he asked

"Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?"

About twenty five people stood up.

The he smiled and said:

"Will all those who stood please leave.

This is a birthday party".

COURT IN INDIA

Judge : "Raj, why were you beaten up in public?"what you did?Raj : Sir I am innocent.Judge : How can you say that?Raj : "Your honour, I was in crowded bus, my photo fell from wallet,so...I said to lady in front of me, 'Aunty, please liftyour Sari,I want to take photo....

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you to
understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine.
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD
dissertation or an Academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A
COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN
THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Church Bulletin Info.

They're Back!
Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters !
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:
'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang:
'I will not pass this way again,'
Giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
We have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So, ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be:
'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

XX -The Wedding Night

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks his wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was
going to call room service and get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with
his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to
the phone.

'What are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room
service to get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to
his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags
himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'

Draft Letter to MY Bank.

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with Banks at the moment,

I was wondering, if you could please advise me…

If one of my cheque's is returned marked "insufficient funds,"

How do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

Thank You.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Interesting Human Body Facts

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest
is the male sperm.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver
than men with hair.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .. .
they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.

You guys are still looking at your thumb, aren't you?

GROANERS on a MONDAY!

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

2, Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.

5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.

6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

8. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

10. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.

11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.

15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

17. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

The American Economy and George Bush

George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of
Lehman brothers… His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as
losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.

· The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left
side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.

· There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are
all sub-prime.

· How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

· Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.

· For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland?

Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

· A trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth
and I still have a wife."

· If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in
derivatives, God bless you.

· What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in
Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.

· What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.

· Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had
enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I
checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, I'd have enough
money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.

· Personal Favorite by Bush – When asked about if he knew about the
Credit Crunch, prompt came the reply – Oh! That's my favorite candy
bar!

· On the Jay Leno show – America has made a new weapon of mass
destruction that destroys people without damaging the buildings, it's
called the Stock Market !!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Investment

Today's Economics

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you
would have received $214!
Based on the above, the best current investment play is to drink
heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American male walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year. This means that, on average, Americans get
about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be an
American!

Mis-communication...

This is what happens with written communication...!!!

These four classified ads appeared in a local newspaper on four
consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the
first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707
after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday.. It should have read,

"One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs
Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying
telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows:

"For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it!
Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my
housekeeper.. but she quit.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Net worth

"This is worse than a divorce…..I have lost half my
net worth and I still have my wife."

Anonymous Banker, London , 10/10/2008

good ones

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny: As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

Teacher : Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
Raju: No mam I will not be able to attend it.

Teacher : Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

Question: What is the full form of math's.

Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is
what you call modern art ?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

~ Women think all beer is the same.

~ Women brush their hair before bed.

~ Women are paid less than men, except for one field:
Modelling.

~ Women never have anything to wear.
Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet;
You 'just don't understand'.

~ Women need to cry.
And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

~ Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an
effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

~ Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

~ Women always go to public restrooms in groups.
It gives them a chance to gossip.

~ Women do not know anything about cars.
'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

~ Women love to talk.
Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they
have nothing to say.

~ Women hate bugs.
Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or
a wasp involved.

~ Women can't keep secrets.
They eat away at them from the inside.
And they don't view it as being untrustworthy,
Providing they only tell two or three people.

~ Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.

~ Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is
Irrelevant; so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair
game.

~ Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

~ Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

~ Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red
carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

~ The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

~ Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment
that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

~ Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing.
It might be the lottery calling.

~ If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of
clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven
day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll
feel like wearing each day.

~ Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners
in the shower.
After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

~ Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility,
iIt's there in the Bible'.
Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

MEDICAL funnies.

A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St.
Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would
operate in the morning and then field calls about his patients in the
evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor
was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the
other phone rang.
His wife answered and whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back,
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

Stupid Words from Great People!

1. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981.

2. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

3. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

4. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that
Won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for
Prentice Hall, 1957

5. "But what ... Is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

6. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977.

7. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no
value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

8. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David
Sarnoff's associates
In response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Spells that Work!

Spell to Get Measles.
1. Find someone who has measles.
2. Lick them.

Spell to Turn Day Into Night.
1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.
2) Close eyes tightly.
3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water.
1) Attach concrete block to your feet.
2) Jump into water.
3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper".
4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants.
1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
2) Drink.
3) Repeat steps 1-3.

Spell to Attract Lightning.
1) Cover yourself in metal: jewellery, chains, golf
Clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hub-caps. Etc.
2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.
3) Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose.
1. Get two cotton balls.
2. Shove one up each nostril.
3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You.
1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (I.e.-roses without petals, a nice
headless Barbie doll...).
4. Follow them everywhere they go... Careful, they'll try to lose you!
5. Don't worry if they get that silly restraining order,
That means the spell is working!

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast.
1. Open Window.
2. Throw Computer out window.
(If the computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.)

Spell to Save on Gas.
1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast.
4. Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!"
Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!

A Spell to Go to the Bathroom.
1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
2) Drink another glass anyway.
3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi.
4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell's' effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom.
1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of Exlax.
3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!

WARNING:
Spells are not guaranteed.
Use at your own risk.

BURDENS OF LIFE: / VINCENT VAN GOGH.

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you
won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty
and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different
colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Vincent Van Gogh.

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh.

The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh.

The constipated uncle...............................Cant Gogh.

The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh.

The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh.

The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh.

The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh.

His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh.

His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh.

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh.

The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh.

A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh.

The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh.

The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh.

His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh.

The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh.

An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh.

The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh.

And

His niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie BayGogh.

XX - LEARN TO PLAY GOLF.

My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf.

You know, golf...that's the game where you chase a little ball all
over the country when you are too old to chase women.

So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"

"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."

"What's tee off?"

"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you
want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."

"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."

"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.

He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"

"Sure"

"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"

"Of course," I told him.

"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"

"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."

"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"

"No, I am the old fashioned type."

"Do you know how to hold your club?"

Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.

He said, "You take your club in both hands..."

Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.

Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."

No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.

He asked, "How do your hold your club?"

And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers".

He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and
said for me to bend over and he would show me.

Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four
years in the Navy for nothing.

He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."

I could well imagine that.

"... and when you're on the green..."

"What's the green?"

"That's where the hole is."

"Sure you're not color blind?"

"Then you take your putter in your hands"

"What's a putter?"

"That's the smallest club made."

"That's what I got, a putter."

"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."

I corrected him, "You mean the putter."

"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."

Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to
the next 17."

Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.

"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"

"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I
know when I am in the 18th hole?"

"The flag will go up!"

Uh, huh...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Queen Doubly Assassinated in SL by Dialog-Telekom

From: Nandana Benthara
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2008 12:06 PM
Subject: American water supply to Holiday home

Dear Cahandana Premala

This is informing to you that, requested water bottles still not
delivered to Bandrawela holiday home. As per the Bungalow care takers
report, today onwards Pipe water will serve to dinning table &
drinking purposes.

Care taker spoke to several times to vender for getting that service
fast. Still not take any action from last 2 weeks.

Same time we inform to you also getting success our request,
unfortunately still not take any action & Holiday home guest will
suffer about this delay.

Nandana Benthara

Executive - Group Employee Relations & Wellbeing Services

Human Resources Management & Development.

Dialog Telekom PLC.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

XX-Man's useless things. Slightly AC.

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple...

*A Thingos Presentation
Two calves that will never become cows...

*A Thingos Presentation
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...

*A Thingos Presentation
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...

*A Thingos Presentation
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...

*A Thingos Presentation
A chest that won't hold linen...

*A Thingos Presentation
Two tits that won't give milk...

*A Thingos Presentation
Two buns that won't feed anyone...

*A Thingos Presentation
A belly button that won't button...

*A Thingos Presentation
An ass that won't pull a plow...

*A Thingos Presentation
An organ that won't play music...

*A Thingos Presentation
Two balls that won't roll...

A cock that won't crow...

The Librarian

"Do you have any books on how to get organized?"
"Probably, but I have no idea where they are."

"Do you have any books on deafness?"
"What?"

"Do you have any books on nepotism?"
"Ask my husband; he's the head librarian."

"Do you have any books on apathy?"
"I don't know and I don't care."

"Do you have any books on De Sade?"
"Beats me."

"Do you have any books on goat breeding?"
"Are you kidding?"

"Do you have any books on building self-esteem?"
"Not for stupid, ugly people like you!"

"Do you have any books on phobias?"
"I'm afraid not."

"Do you have any books on psychiatry?"
"What do you think?"

"Yes, they're on the shelf over there."
"Do you have any books on ESP?"

"Do you have any books on Chinese shipping?"
"Oh, no; we don't handle that junk."

"Do you have any books on procrastination?"
"No, we haven't gotten around to ordering them yet."

"Do you have any books on the Navy?"
"Yes, 'Over There,' with the the blue jackets,"

"Do you have any books on orgasms?"
"Yes, come with me."

"Do you have any books on electricity?"
"Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the
subject. Wire you asking?"

XX - A Whale of a Story

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the

ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.

He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled

with anger, he says to his female companion,

'That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!'

When they were close enough, the male said, 'Why don't we swim under

the ship and blow air through our blow holes

and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.'

And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew

enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship

flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a

thousand pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off

when they realised that the sailors were not dead but floating,

clinging to pieces of wood in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, 'They're

still alive, but I've got another idea.

Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!'

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,

'Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm not swallowing the seamen.'

Various uses of Nicobate

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day.'

Getting even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us
know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,
she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted
the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love
to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my
husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the
doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now
she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Sunday Laffs!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior
high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then, a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the
wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said,
"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance
like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise
to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer
and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so
I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be
okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?"
The drum leader exclaimed.
"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around
for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
__________________

Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami.
Suddenly, the first sighs and says,
"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford
the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or
soft foods."
The second answers,
"Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy
the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds,
"Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged
my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is
wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time
tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says,
"So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says,
"Can't you see? My memory is going."
__________________

The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual, and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested. "I thought we had a very good
sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to you another way."
_____________

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he
decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention
that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our
fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one
virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order
to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said,
"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to
announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young
women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest.
"Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great
one? This is an order from the Almighty:
Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear,
with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby,
Then said,
"Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly,
"Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"
____________________

The grave-side service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
Accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
_________________

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

World Balance

God was missing for six days.. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it.. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent
of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance
in all things.'
God continued pointing t o different countries. 'This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land area and
said, 'What's that one?'
'That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
carriers of peace, and producers of software.'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance.'
God smiled, 'There's another Washington. Wait till you see
the idiots I put there.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOC K SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

How old is Grandpa?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.

The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact
lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There were no: credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented: pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air
and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first, And then we lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a
title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the
evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches
on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to
Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5
and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day: 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was
something your mother cooked in and

'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in
the Principal's office, ' chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was
found in a hardware store and 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap.

And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind. You are in for a shock!

Are you ready ?

This man would be only 53 years old----

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Summary of life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Faster Travel...

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
mechanics in Melbourne ....
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.

Dave said, "Man I wish we had something to drink"
Jim says, 'Me too, You know I have heard you You can drink jet fuel
and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and
get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels.In fact he feels GREAT!
No hangover! No bad side effects at all.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

"What's that?

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Ancient Wisdom

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
never to be empty, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of
officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to
foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt." -
Cicero, 55 BC.

Didn't work 2,063 years ago. Probably won't fly now.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

The Church Organist

There was a Baptist Church in North Carolina that hada very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any because they are
so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to
talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up to the pulpit and
said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis b'wond my contwol, we will not haf a
thermon t'day."
New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining,
Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out!

Friday, October 03, 2008

Just passin this along

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'The birch says he cannot
tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says,
'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
tree, replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker
into.'

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Sad passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still
was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for
millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He
is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

OLD AGE

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad
you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came
up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with
the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .. please
advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They
hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once
again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the
door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh
fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.' (scroll)

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Monday, October 13, 2008

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Monday, October 06, 2008

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Friday, October 03, 2008

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Guess what

XX - IF YOU ARE A PRUDE

Thank you - You are visitor Number

Blog Archive