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Friday, May 30, 2008

TICKLE ME ELMO -

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Two ole ladies

Shopkeepers

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't quite ready, with
only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well
... only two left!"

Harvard University test

This was developed as an age test by the R&D Department at Harvard
University . Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud
without a mistake. The average person can't do it! This is really
difficult, not so easy, so be careful.

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is a cat
7. This is fool cat
8. This is busy cat
9. This is for cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down,
and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I miss thee

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had
lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why we love children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
Teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
Was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
With the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
Too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!

Monday, May 26, 2008

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radi

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Imponderables of life

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over
fifty for Miss America ?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN , AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
to the end, the faster it goes.

Possibly the best come-back ever!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a

party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes

over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?' The

new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad.

Past the first 3 inches it's all brand new.'

Only the Irish

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin'
to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery...'
' Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sweet Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf.'

XX - Buy or rent?

I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5
years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he banged her
every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him
$26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000
an hour. Crazy, right?

But...

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3
million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+
million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no
coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs
around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all,
she leaves when you're done and comes back the next day ready for
another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

Nursery rhymes we never had!!

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

*****************

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

Lessons in logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

....................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

....................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

....................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

....................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

....................................................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

....................................................................

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

....................................................................

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

....................................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

....................................................................

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

....................................................................

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

....................................................................

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

....................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

....................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

....................................................................

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

....................................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

....................................................................

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

....................................................................

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

....................................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

....................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
Thats where I stop working and send E-mails

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Whale Job

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast

of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the

female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out

of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the

ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and

quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors

had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of

shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away

and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up

before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant

to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow

job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Insults

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious
insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to
four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were
my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife,
I'd take it."

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you
will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support,
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

THE LOVE DRESS!

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

BRILLIANT!!!

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and
the husband keeps staring

at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend before I met you. I
understand she took to

drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"Good heavens!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

Old couple fishing

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly
lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to
fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing
together the next day!The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in
the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or
down?'All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and
made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they
finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had
just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.They fished for a
while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon
another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down
?'There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild
passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly
gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said
yes...There they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came
upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down
?' The woman replied, 'Down.'A little puzzled and disappointed, the
gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another
fork in the river and he asked thelady, 'up or down?' She replied,
'Up.'This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the
deal?Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down
you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'She replied,
'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the
choices were f#@k or drown.

Oh dearie me.

An oldie - but also a reminder to men to know who they are dealing wih !!!!

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed..

Arriving home around noonone day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Monday, May 19, 2008

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As
luck would have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not
to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched
from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "At $5 a gallon if that
starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It has finally happened..

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Saturday, May 17, 2008

XXX- Oral Sex

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best
about 'Oral Sex':

a/ 3% liked the warmth
b/ 4% enjoyed the sensation
c/ 93% appreciated the silence

Unanswered Questions

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $ 2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, t hen why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
Bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for
their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the
two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'

Ain't that the truth!

A little white girl and a little black girl were talking on the phone.
The little white girl's mother said to her daughter...
"Susie...It's getting late. Time to go to bed."
Susie replied...
"Shut the fuck up Mom! I'm not ready to go to bed!"
Susie's Mom responded...
"It's OK dear. Just be sure to go to bed when you're ready."

The next night the little white girl and the little black girl were
talking on the phone again.
The little black girl had been thinking about what the little white
girl had said to her Mom last night.
Soon, the little black girl's Mother came into her room and said...
"Angie! Hang up that phone and go to bed girl! It's late!"
Angie responded... "Shut the fuck up Mom! I'm not ready to go to bed!"
Angie's Mom looked startled and raised her eyebrows....
Angie blinked her eyes and slowly awakened...
"Where am I?"
The nurse responded...
"You're in intensive care dear."

Friday, May 16, 2008

Unusual Funeral

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual
funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one.
Behind the second coffin was a Solitary man walking
with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single
line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, 'I am so
sorry to disturb you,
But I've never seen a funeral like this with so many
of you walking in single line.
Whose funeral is it?'

The man replied,'That first coffin is for my wife.'
What happened to her?'
'My dog attacked and killed her.'

'Well, who is in the second coffin?'

'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also.'

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the
two men.
Then the First one asks in excitement, 'Can I borrow
the dog?

The man replied,

'Join the queue

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

No Pants

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed . The
old man looked off in the distance without
answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

XX - Waking the dead?

Three nurses go into the morgue, and there's a
Dead man's body lying there, with an erection. The first
nurse sees it, and says "I'm dying for it," gets atop the man and has
her way with it.
The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let
it go to waste", and she does the same. They turn to the
3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her
period, and declines.
One of the nurses replies, "He's dead anyway, he won't be
bothered."
The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does
her thing too. Just after she finishes, the dead man
sits up. The nurses asks him " We thought you were dead ! " The man
replies, " After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be
dead either !"

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock
cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow
cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says,' Licen c e and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration,
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f* * k out
of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or jest slow doon?'

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need
to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other
side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from
his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped
to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white
washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken
should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is
much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the ch

What my father taught me

Things my father taught me

The measurement of my finger from the tip to the first joint is 1
inch...depth for planting peas.
The measurement to the second joint is 2 inches...depth for corn.
Return borrowed things in better shape than when you borrowed them.
There are two types of trouble...one is the trouble you knowingly walk
into, the other is trouble that just happens...it's important to know
the difference.
Walk softly but carry a big stick.
if you have to use said stick, make sure who you use it on, doesn't get up.
Grits is good.
Foul language is a sign of a limited vocabulary
Orion, the Big and Little Dippers.
Everyone is a friend until proven otherwise.
Licorice ferns, huckleberries, nettles, sword ferns.
Tabasco won't kill you even if you eat it by the spoonfull.
Don't watch the clock when you're at work.
Fish can see you if you look over the side of the boat.
Fish can hear you if you talk to loud.
Respect the elders.
Never go to bed angry.
That which does not kill you will hurt like the dickens, but it will
make you stronger.
Family is the most important thing on earth.
How to play the guitar, spoons, mouth harp, and water filled bottles.
The true meaning of "Self Made Man"
If you don't know something, go to the library and learn it.
The phrases "I don't know", "I forgot", or "I tried (and failed)" are excuses.
There is a difference between an excuse and a reason, know the difference.
Take care of your apperance...even if it is just a t-shirt and jeans.
The world can change everything about you, except your point of
view...unless you allow it to.

David L. McDonald
born 1936-passed 2008
precious father
beloved husband
A right good fellow.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Fire Truck

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when
he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said
with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little
partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then
I wouldn 't have a siren.

Power of Prayer

In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was
right opposite to a church. The church & its congregation started a
campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed
daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about
to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it
was burnt to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till
the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the
church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible
for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect
actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for
the act of God. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked
over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from
the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of
prayer and we have an entire church that doesn't.'

Friday, May 09, 2008

Beautiful Pictures

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XX - How to kill a man

Lil ole Lady ...sort of

Irish College Exam

Answers below

Marriage

Click on picture to read better ....

Prohibition

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster...

I mean seriously, Would you quit drinking?

Burghers demand Lansi Ealam

'We write on behalf of the Lanseelam Association of Australia Inc., a body which was recently formed for the purpose of defending the rights of Burghers in Sri Lanka. For long, we Burghers have suffered in silence and watched with rising indignation the gradual erosion of our rights and privileges in the land of our birth. From the position of total supremacy which our forefathers formerly enjoyed, we are now being reduced to voices crying in the wilderness. Not only have we been stripped of our high social position, but even economically and politically, we have degenerated into an oppressed and downtrodden community. We therefore feel justified in staking our own claim to a section of Sri Lanka stretching from Galle Face Green to the Bambalapitiya Flats. This territory will be designated Lansi Eelam and will comprise a safe haven for those of us whose culture has been threatened with extinction.

The message that spells out what this is all about:

- English will be the state language and medium of education in Lansi Eelam.

- A certain measure of social intercourse with the natives will naturally be permitted but legislation will be introduced to prevent over-familiarity.

- Severe penalties will apply for especially serious offences such as the contamination of old Dutch Burgher recipes. Such penalties will include that dreaded torment: deprivation of liberty and lamprais for 20 years.

- Dutch will be our second language and will constitute the lingua franca of the new Parliament shortly to be set up within the hallowed precincts of a new Burgher Recreation Club [BRC] headquartered at Wolfendaal.

Proposed actions:

We have sent urgent communiquès to our fellow Burghers scattered throughout the world informing them of this venture and soliciting their support. On the 400th anniversary of the arrival of the Dutch in Ceylon [2002] we estimate that 50,000 Burgher loyalists here in after to be known as the Wolves of Wolfendaal, will land in Sri Lanka at Bentot and Hambantot and march in a glorious struggle for freedom and Lansi Eelam.

Those who have eked out a miserable existence in lands where breudhers never rose and love cakes never set, where hearts ached for the smell of Kehel Kola to wrap their lamprais, and the powerful aroma of Poffertjis at the tiffin table - all these will now come into their own again.

The Burghers will return en masse to claim the Lansi heritage of yore, ready to die in the attempt. Summoning up their ancient Dutch courage, they will march forward relentlessly - Lansi kakula, nikan kakula, Lansi kakula, nikan kakula - from Galle to Kernigalle, from Cockeye-Kade palliya to Newreliya, gathering the support of their long-suffering kinsmen en route.

We therefore give you prior notice of our intentions and, in addition, request you to solicit the support of the local Burgher community in this most worthy cause. As you are aware we always prefer to utilise peaceful democratic methods in the pursuit of our legitimate aspirations. If these fail, however, we will be compelled to cannonade Colombo with stale breudhers, an offensive that will spread panic. This offensive will be followed by Dhadiya Daapu Bunnis to ensure certain victory. The Liberation Wolves of Wolvendaal will march under the Sapaththu Kodiya..

Long Live Lansi Eelam !

Yours sincerely

Suzie Cockroach

General Secretary

Lansi Eelam Association of

Australia, Inc.

Burns

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible
sunburn, specifically to his legs. He went to the hospital, and was
promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The
nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs."

Thursday, May 08, 2008

My father is the bigger coward...

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the most coward.

The first one says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes
my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothin', my dad is so scared that when
mummy works nightshift my dad sleeps with the woman next door!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Interesting Questions

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the
Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Monday, May 05, 2008

Computer Jokes

What do you call a computer superhero?
A Screen Saver.

Why did the computer cross the road?
To get a byte to eat.

Who chases computer criminals?
A hacker-tracker.

What do you get if you cross a computer with an elephant?
Lots of Memory.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a computer?
A machine that has a bark worse than its byte.

Why was the computer so angry?
Because it had a chip on its shoulder.

Why did the computer get glasses?
To improve its websight.

Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus.

Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-o

Where do cool mice live?
In mousepads.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Tesco's

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate
of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer,
only £10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream.
It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'

Friday, May 02, 2008

Its finally here - a WOMANs remote

Sheep talk

An English ventriloquist, visiting the highlands, walks into a wee
village and sees
a local crofter sitting on a wall, patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the jock 'Good
morning, do you mind if I talk to your dog?'

Highlander: 'The dug canna talk, yer daft sassenach!'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, hows it going?'

Dog: 'Aye, fine, doin' all right.'

Highlander: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the Highlander)

Dog: 'Aye'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Great ! He walks me twice a day, feeds me regular and
takes me to the loch every week to play!'
Highlander: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Highlander: 'Uh, the horse doesnae talk either...Ah think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse 'Aye, great!'

Highlander: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?'

Horse 'Aye, so he is!'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down
well and keeps me in the stable to protect
me from the weather'

Highlander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Highlander: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***** liar !'

Uses for cards

Last night, myfriends and I went
to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,
so she pulled out a £10 note

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 noteand
stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note.
She called the guy back licks
the £20note, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my
third friend pulls out a £50 noteand
calls the guy over, and licks the £50
note.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me,and the guy is egging me on
to try to top the £50 note.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,Grabbed the
eighty pounds and left!

The English We Speak!

An ode English plurals

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came
to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on
the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and
knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I
was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?They still are!
'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded.'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

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