YOUR MORNING SMILE.....

Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and,
discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to
combine business with pleasure.
The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she
didn't want to be discovered and fired.
After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop.
The very next morning, his phone rang and his caller was the maid.
In very dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out.
She asked if he wanted to come over and see her.
"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams.
Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea:
"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your
apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.
His mother called the day after the big date to see how things
had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why? Didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."

A man was having trouble getting his neighbour to keep his
chickens fenced in.
The neighbour kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and
as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The neighbour was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his
flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit, a friend noticed his flower beds
were doing great.
The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the visitor asked him how he managed to keep the birds away.
"How did you make your next-door neighbour keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower
bed, and the next day I let my neighbour see me gather them. I wasn't
bothered after that day."

Our dentist recently hired a beautiful young blonde as a dental hygienist.
We exchanged small talk for half an hour as she cleaned my teeth and I
gazed into her pale-blue eyes.
When she finished, she smiled and said,
"You have the most perfect mouth."
My heart skipped a beat.
Then she continued,
"Usually I have a lot of trouble reaching people's wisdom teeth, but
your mouth is so big that I can get both hands in easily."

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out
of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact,
just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" asked Bill.
"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out
right now, and I am going to show you who is the boss in this
relationship.'"
"What happened?"
"Well I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her
hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"She was looking for me and I was hiding under the porch at the time."

"In my day, we didn't get that dis-embodied, slightly ticked off
voice saying,
'Doors closing.'
"We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was
sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next
station. But the base fare was only a dollar."

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son.'

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (D) are on the same stage in
front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all
before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to
the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I
can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat
in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of
arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was very impressive. But, did you know that with just one little
wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever
speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So, the Pope slapped her.