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Monday, December 31, 2007

Spells That Actually Work !!

Spell to Get Measles.
1. Find someone who has measles.
2. Lick them....!

Spell to Turn Day Into Night~
1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.
2) Close eyes tightly.
3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water
1) Attach concrete block to your feet.
2) Jump into water.
3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper".
4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants
1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
2) Drink.
3) Repeat steps 1-3.

Spell to Attract Lightning
1) Cover yourself in metal: jewellery, chains, golf
Clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hub-caps. Etc.
2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV
Antenna high in the air.
3) Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose.
1. Get two cotton balls.
2. Shove one up each nostril.
3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You.
1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights
Off.
3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep ( I.e.-roses without
Petals, a nice headless Barbie doll...).
4. Follow them everywhere they go... Careful, they'll
Try to lose you!
5. Don't worry if they get that silly restraining order,
That means the spell is working!

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast.
1. Open Window.
2. Throw Computer out window.
(If the computer hits the ground really fast, the spell worked.)

Spell to Save on Gas.
1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast.
4. Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!"
Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!

A Spell to Go to the Bathroom
1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
2) Drink another glass anyway.
3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi.
4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the
Spell's' effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom.
1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of Exlax.
3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!

WARNING:
Spells are not guaranteed!
Use at your own risk !

Some Funny Quotes and Thoughts!

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an
idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television
in the dark."

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a
floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes
it sound confusing."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's
the first thing you do?Turn out the lights! "

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius. "

Sunday, December 30, 2007

MacPherson celebrated his 95th birthday

When old MacPherson celebrated his 95th birthday,
his cronies, for a joke, sent him an attractive masseuse.
When she rang the doorbell, he hobbled to answer and
found himself gazing at a svelte blonde figure.
"I'm here to give you super sex," she said brightly.
He thought for a minute.
"I'll have the soup,"he said finally.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Old one but good..

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think
he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad,may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but
she said Belle was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring
Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go
now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the
block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOUR GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Friday, December 28, 2007

Fast talking Canadians - Have not seen this before

A man in a supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

A very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Canada , sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Family Jokes

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the
dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was
happening and kept he conversation going.

The guests co-operated & also continued as if nothing extraordinary
was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there
was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard
to say,

"You see, it is vanishing cream!"

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across
the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit
jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the
rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the
road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of
the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped down the road.
50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two
again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped
another 50 feet.
The man was astonished!
He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"'Hair Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because
she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early
20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher
when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained,
'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go!!!

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room
and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor re-appeared.

The angry lady demanded,
"What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could
remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Automobile Acronyms

AUDI.
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK.
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET.
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE.
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT.
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
Backwards -< Driver Returns On Foot

IDIOTS of 2006:

NUMBER ONE IDIOT of 2006:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
Poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she
Caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation,
Happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat
in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
**********************************************************************

NUMBER TWO IDIOT of 2006:

Early this year,
Some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
Life raft from one of the 747's.
They were successful in getting it out of
The plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
They noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

*****************************************************************************

NUMBER THREE IDIOT of 2006:

A man,
Wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America ,
Walked into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stickup.
Put all yur muny in this bag."
While standing in line,
Waiting to give his note to the teller,
He began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So, he left the Bank of America and crossed the
Street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line,
He handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and,
Surmising from his spelling errors,
That he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
Told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip
And that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
"OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later,
As he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

********************************************************

NUMBER FOUR IDIOT of 2006:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment,
He sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a
Letter from the police that contained another picture,
This time, of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.

Smart-butt. But you still get a sign.

*****************************************************************

NUMBER FIVE IDIOT of 2006:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
The cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
The robber saw a bottle of Scotch that
He wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,
But the cashier refused and said,
"Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was,
But the clerk still refused to give it to him
Because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber,
Took his driver's license out
Of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed
That the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police
And
Gave the name and address of the robber
That he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

***********************************************************
IDIOT NUMBER SIX of 2006:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered
A record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!"
When his partner moved,
The startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

************************************************************************

IDIOT NUMBER SEVEN of 2006:

Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that
He'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
Grab some booze, and run.
So, he lifted the cinder block
And
Heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

YOUR MORNING SMILE.....

Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and,
discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to
combine business with pleasure.
The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she
didn't want to be discovered and fired.
After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop.
The very next morning, his phone rang and his caller was the maid.
In very dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out.
She asked if he wanted to come over and see her.
"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams.
Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea:
"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your
apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.
His mother called the day after the big date to see how things
had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why? Didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."

A man was having trouble getting his neighbour to keep his
chickens fenced in.
The neighbour kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and
as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The neighbour was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his
flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit, a friend noticed his flower beds
were doing great.
The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the visitor asked him how he managed to keep the birds away.
"How did you make your next-door neighbour keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower
bed, and the next day I let my neighbour see me gather them. I wasn't
bothered after that day."

Our dentist recently hired a beautiful young blonde as a dental hygienist.
We exchanged small talk for half an hour as she cleaned my teeth and I
gazed into her pale-blue eyes.
When she finished, she smiled and said,
"You have the most perfect mouth."
My heart skipped a beat.
Then she continued,
"Usually I have a lot of trouble reaching people's wisdom teeth, but
your mouth is so big that I can get both hands in easily."

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out
of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact,
just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" asked Bill.
"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out
right now, and I am going to show you who is the boss in this
relationship.'"
"What happened?"
"Well I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her
hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"She was looking for me and I was hiding under the porch at the time."

"In my day, we didn't get that dis-embodied, slightly ticked off
voice saying,
'Doors closing.'
"We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was
sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next
station. But the base fare was only a dollar."

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son.'

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (D) are on the same stage in
front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all
before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to
the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I
can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat
in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of
arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was very impressive. But, did you know that with just one little
wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever
speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So, the Pope slapped her.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

God's wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honor and glorify me.
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said "Lord, I
wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and
how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Monday, December 24, 2007

ROOSTER

A Florida farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud
rooster from up in Canada for his chicken coop. The new rooster
struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on,
surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has
done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the
corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am
taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I
will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive
domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You
know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will
give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off
running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is
squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun
and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly
shakes his head and says,
src="cid:4.3028158306@web30309.mail.mud.yahoo.com " width=110>
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little
treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Alcohol Consumption Warning....

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

- The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.

- The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead/knees.

- The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.

Thank god for alcohol ...

Friday, December 21, 2007

Blonde Guy joke......

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!

If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A woman's opinion

1. Don't imagine you can change a man -
Unless he's in nappies.

**********

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.

**********

3. If they put a man on the moon -
They should be able to put them all up there.

**********

4. Never let your man's mind wander -

it's too little to be out alone.

**********

5. Go for the younger man.

You might as well,

They never mature anyway.

**********

6. Men are all the same -

They just have different faces,

So that you can tell them apart.

**********

7. Definition of a bachelor:

A man who has missed the opportunity

To make some woman miserable.

**********

8. Women don't make fools of men -

Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

**********

9. Best way to get a man to do something

Is to suggest he is too old for it.

**********

10. Love is blind,

But, marriage is a real eye-opener.

**********

11. If you want a committed man,

Look in a mental hospital.

**********

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.

Even in Biblical times,

Men wouldn't ask for directions.

**********

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,

Tell him cheque books .

**********

14. Remember a sense of humour

Does not mean that you tell him jokes,

It means that you laugh at his.

**********

15. Sadly,

All men are created equal!

Insanity is a gift........

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

New Lingerie

A husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie
for His wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in
price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model It for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea.
It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and
get a £150 refund for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is on Thursday.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Tips for managers.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover
behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me
a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's
nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story
about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for
being such a good manager.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Internet Sayings........

Home is where you hang your @.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C: is the root of all directories.

Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the web.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Windows will never cease.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There's no place like home.com.

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Snoopers Beware

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating person who keeps

talking to you and snooping at everything you read?

Next time, just follow these simple instructions:

And get ready to enjoy your well-deserved privacy.

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop, and open it.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the guy annoying you can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. Take a very deep

breath...

6 Then open this web address...

http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it. He told them to p**s off and let him get
some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge
forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats milled round
him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES,
YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat,

"Because I f**king didn't."

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Serenity

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
# end

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

The integrity of men is to be measured by their conduct
not by their professions

------------- Junius ---------

Why Men Are Never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this
one
is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires
only
one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more
than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Dusty Underwear

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Sunday, December 09, 2007

The Cop & The Biker

A cop stops a Biker for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,

so he asks the biker his name.

''Fred,'' he replies.

''Fred what?'' the officer asks.

''Just Fred,'' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give

The biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a

ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays

along with it. ''Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?''

The biker replies, ''It's a long story, so stay with me.'' I was born

Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to

tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got

good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a

doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,

and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree,

so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry,

so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,

so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA

found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was

Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the

ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my

MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away

my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.''

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

this is cute--to make you smile or kill

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy

there?'

' Yes .'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the

earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they

searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME .'

Friday, December 07, 2007

Real Funny

Gardens at Montreol, Canada

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China

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Speakers on please

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Another Cold Spell

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Thursday, December 06, 2007

A Senior Couple

A senior couple pulls into a gas station and the elderly attendant comes out
to serve them:

Attendant : "How may I help you?"

Old Man : "Please fill it up."

Old Lady : "What did he say?"

Old Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up."

Attendant : "So, where are you heading?"

Old Man : "To Chicago to see our Grandchildren."

Old Lady : "What did he say?"

Old Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to
see the Grand kids."

Attendant : "It sure is a nice day for a drive."

Old Man : "Yes, it's been quite pleasant."

Old Lady : "What did he say?"

Old Man : "He said its good weather."

Attendant : "Where are you coming from?"

Old Man : "We started our trip from Winnipeg."

Old Lady : "What did he say?"

Old Man : "He asked where we're from and I said Winnipeg."

Attendant : "I dated a girl from Winnipeg once. She wouldn't
shut up and was lousy in bed."

Old lady : "What did he say?"

Old Man : "He says he knows you."

XX - GORDON BROWN'S PENIS TAX

Gordon Brown announced this morning that VAT would definitely apply to
the Penis because it provides a service. The way the tax will apply
was difficult to decide. This was due to the fact that 40% of the time
it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of
the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top
of that it has two dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective immediately, a Penis will be taxed according to size:

4-5" Nuisance Tax

5-8" Privilege Tax

8-10" Pole Tax

10-12" Luxury Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is
eligible for a refund. (PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION).

The taxpayers association is still awaiting clarification on a number of

questions raised on this new tax, including:

Are there penalties for early withdrawals?

What if one's penis is self-employed?

Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to
have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right
can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until
Tuesday.'

Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general
knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'

Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front.

'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the
answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?' Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board,
shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front:
'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer
is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and
come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that
comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his
seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I
know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so
plummy English accent):

'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his
chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said
that?' Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,

'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn, 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'

Some medical humour

The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on
their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But
I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then
everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in
three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year
and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

Migraine Cure

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but its advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a
migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.
Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand,
especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of
the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me,
I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is
immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six
weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY a nice bath
room and a sexy wife."

Negotiations

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his testicles.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each
other, aren't we?"

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Male or Female?

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of
non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some
examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a
while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed
at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male,
but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying

Cough it out

A man walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is
spinning a 25 cent coin in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the
wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his
throat.
He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts
panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a grey suit is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the
saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up
from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and
squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent
piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man
hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar
without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the
father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying:
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it's fantastic -
Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue
Department".

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese
man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me
up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three
worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously
attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him
during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and
went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer,
and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to
keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept
back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture
1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If
that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry
about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw
the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced
down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped
out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a
large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle
tied to bedpost."

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

A day in modern life:

A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with a see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Mail man's last day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhooD.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with
big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met
with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but what's
the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you." He said, " Screw him.......give him a
dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Another set of definitions of MAN

There is a woman behind every successful man! Really ?

This is their current definition of men!!!!!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man -

unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks

out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they

should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's

too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as

well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have

different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has

missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of

them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is

to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real

eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a

mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around

the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for

directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're

interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean

that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

A love letter from a mathematician...

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.

There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and
spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of
magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of t radians made a
tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only
you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my
love for you extends to infinity.

I promise that I should not resolve you into partial
functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits
from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set.

The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at
sunset, when the sun will be making an
angle of 160 degrees with our horizon, my heart would be like a solved
polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of
an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,
PythagoraS

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