Fwd: Jokes of the Day -
XX Jokes of the Day -
INTRODUCTION:
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands,
hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Q. Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
A. Outlaws are wanted!
Indiana Law
State government officials who engage in private duels can be
dismissed from their post.
The Pun Reference Library Part 1
Hot Dog!: Frank Furter
No More Circuit Breakers!: Ira Fuse
Nuclear Power Bafflement: Ken Fusion*
Rangers In The Night: Forrest Fyar*
It's Magic!: Sven Gali
Put'er There, Pal!: Greg Garious*
Self Denial Made Easy: Abner Gation*
Crocodile Dundee: Ali Gator
Pain Relief: Ann L. Gesick(6)
As Solid as...: Rocco Gibraltar(b)
Options Trading: June Gold*
Surprised!: Omar Gosh
Life Six Feet Under: Doug Graves*
Artificial Weightlessness: Andy Gravity
Car Repairs: Axel Grease*
It's Springtime!: Theresa Green*
Chicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn*
Geez, It's Hot!: Mike Hammeldyed(j)
Keep it Clean!: Armand Hammer
Mountain Climbing: Andover Hand
Volunteer's Guidebook: Linda Hand*
Errors and Accidents: Miss Takes and Miss Haps
Tug of War: Paul Hard
I Love You!: Alma Hart
Battle Axes: Tom A. Hawk(a)
Repent At Leisure: Marion Hayste*
Kindergarten Kop II: Bea Hayve*
Acrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights*
I Hate Fighting: Boris Hell
The Squeaking Gate: Rusty Hinges*
Woulda Been A Great Shortstop: Kent Hitt*
Pull with All You've Got!: Eve Ho
Cab Calloway's Garden: Heidi Ho*
The Garden State: Ida Hoe*
How I Won The Marathon: Randy Hoelway*
House Construction: Bill Jerome Holme(6)
Laid Off!: Gwen Home*
Poetry in Baseball: Homer
Shoes For Farm And Ranch: Claude Hopper*
Equine Leg Cramps: Charlie Horse
How to Cook a Steak: Porter House(n)
How To Tune Up Your Auto: Carl Humm*
Split Personalities: Jacqueline Hyde*
Preparing Leather: Tanya Hyde*
Cloning: Irma Dubble II
Unsolved Mysteries: N. Igma(5)
It's All In Your Head: Madge Ination*
Wind In The Maple Trees: Russell Ingleaves*
Neat Shirts: Preston Ironed
The Last Roundup: Brandon Irons*
Mardi Gras Time: Lou Isiana*
The Shrinking Society: Les Ismoor*
The Spiritual Life: Ned Itation(l)
Jewish Mysticism: Lev Itation(l)
Mosquito Bites: Ivan Itch
Don't Do Anything Rash: Jacques Itch*
Inflammation, Please!: Arthur It is*
Hunger In America: Heywood Jafeedme*
Big Fart!: Hugh Jass
You're Kidding!: Shirley U. Jest
Unemployed: Anita Job(b)
Covered Walkways: R. Kade(6)
The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems.
The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller.
He suggested special shoes with built-up heels to help the man's ego.
The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life
with the shoes.
"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so dirty."
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule.
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
"My wife quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
:Once more my wife quietly said," That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
"My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at
me and quietly said, "That's once."
Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded
10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride inside the bus today!"
9. Principal sends you a warning -- he's not skipping class enough
8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports
7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered "successful"
6. School play is "The Ten Commandments"--there are enough kids to
play all 100,000 Hebrews
5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite
4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say, "Here"
3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million
2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully
1. The kids actually outnumber the roaches.
One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.
There are three ways to get something done:
Do it yourself, hire someone,
Or
Forbid your kids to do it.
Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality
By spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is not for you.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
Nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark,
But the truth is that most people are afraid of the light.
Employ teenagers -
While they know everything.
Age is a case of mind over matter.
If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
If a man speaks in the forest,
And there's no woman to hear him...
Is he still wrong?
